Posted on 03/10/2010 5:30:14 AM PST by ShadowAce
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck doesn’t sleep with a nightlight ‘cause he’s scared of the dark, . . the dark is ascared of him.
Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups. He pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
"2 seconds to what?
B O O M
2 seconds 'til he roundhouse kicks you in the face!
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have birthdays.
Birthdays have Chuck Norris.
It had Chuck Norris in it instead of Frodo Baggins and he roundhouse kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
It had Chuck Norris in it instead of Frodo Baggins and he roundhouse kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
ping
Chuck Norris is the only human being that does not succumb to the Vulcan neck pinch.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
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