Pitchfork can be real hit or miss - the reviewers sometimes seem so intent on being tastemakers that they overrate new releases to an embarrassing extent. They overemphasize indie rock and post-rock acts, while giving much less coverage to electronic music, soul and hip hop acts that do not flirt with indie rock tropes.
I also suspect that the editorial staff is either sleeping with or belong to an apocalyptic cult formed by Animal Collective. Perhaps the most overhyped outfit in post-rock today.
I agree with everything you said. Although I will admit to not being anti-Animal Collective, but it takes a lot of work to get into them. If it takes 5-6 listens to come around, the music is just too out there.
If you aren't one of the ones they like, in the sub-genre they like you will get a bad review. And they seem to get off on being pretentious.
Posting articles from The Onion isn't allowed, but I will link to their,
Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8. Even 3 years later, still probably my favorite thing they have done. "Coming in at an exhausting 7,000 years long, music is weighed down by a few too many mid- tempo tunes, most notably 'Liebesträume No. 3 in A flat' by Franz Liszt and 'Closing Time' by '90s alt-rock group Semisonic," Schreiber wrote. "In the end, though music can be brilliant at times, the whole medium comes off as derivative of Pavement."