Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
Hey! Time flies when you’re having fun, yes?
I’ll check out the site, but I need to reserve judgement. I’m taking this to a guru on Saturday, to see if he can help me find the documents I’m missing. Then he is going to see if he can retrieve the data on the old hard drive.
At that point, I’ll make other decisions. About what, I have no clue...
*snort*
But not ZOTted! Which makes me wonder: Are there no more ZOT! threads???
LOL!
How are you doing/feeling today?
So-so, moving slow. The good news, I just learned, is I’m one of not two but FIVE candidates. So maybe I won’t be elected.
Ooohhh! I can relate to that!
Does this mean I shouldn’t vote for you?
Yup.
Whoa. I’m tellin’ Gorm Mor...
That is a scary animal.
AFternoon! I had a run and a shower, and then Frank woke up and wanted to nurse, but we can do that and sleep at the same time. Next thing I knew, it was 4:00.
Our new blinds have arrived for the third time. Maybe these will fit.
DP just said Yea! and Ash whistled, so I guess they fit.
Petunia, your grandmother says she’s still dreaming about you, and I just dreamed you were driving a train and doing cave diving in Former Soviet Georgia. Are you sure there’s nothing strange going on out there?
Yah. They put up the wrong bio for me. Not that it wasn’t mine, but it wasn’t the one I submitted for this ballot. Fortunately I got it corrected before tomorrow’s announcement.
I can relate to that!
(My mother often said, “Somehow, I’ve lost the thread of what I was going to say...”)
That's never a problem for me. I don't let the current discussion limit my contribution, if that's what it is.
Or let me put it this way; my brain operates so quickly, when I'm doing really heavy thinking, it's from the mass gain because my thoughts are approaching the speed of light.
(That's a joke, of course. My thoughts are not limited to light speed.)
Nothing particularly. Insomnia, but that’s nothing new. A couple of people that don’t like me, for unknown reasons, have appeared out of the woodwork and tried to write me up on some ridiculous invented charge, but my chief’s taken care of that problem. Apparently I have finally achieved obnoxious and disliked status. I’m quite proud of myself.
I went to the range and didn’t qualify on the riot shotgun because it was too big for me to fire safely...
Sorry about the shotgun ... I’m sure I’d have the same problem! But congratulations on achieving Obnoxious and Disliked: it’s an important step on the way to being President. Maybe you can be President of Texas someday ... you’re a native-born citizen!
My posting on this thread in no way indicates any interest in the position offered.
Speaking of threads, anyone try to thread a needle lately?
Yes, I sewed some patches on Scout uniforms over the weekend and had to thread a needle several times.
Has either of you received her package by U.S. Snail yet? I’m going to have to let Ash batter that package bunneh if it doesn’t put on some speed.
Mrs. Smith brought more Girl Scout cookies today. I’ll put some in the mail to ‘Face tomorrow. You want any, Anoreth? She has more - she planned a booth sale that didn’t go well, so she’s trying to move many, many boxes!
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