See me
Peel me-e-e
Touch me
Peel me-e-ee...
Posted on 02/26/2011 1:38:34 PM PST by Squawk 8888
I’m not the wiener peeler, I’m the wiener peeler’s son, And I’m only peeling wieners, ‘Til the wiener peeler comes.
I apologize to pheasant pluckers’ sons everywhere for stealing their tongue-twister.
But who can resist when my Internet fairy, Irene, drops this job ad on my desk? “Get out your resume,” she purrs.
I pause in processing Moonlight Lady submissions, and take a boo.
“Full-time Wiener Peeler,” says the ad.
Wazzat? I ask. A red-hot stripper?
“No. As in weenie. It’s got you written all over it, ” says Irene, and she flutters off.
Well, I’m getting sick of grinding out daily columns like hamburger. So I read on.
“Opportunity. Excitement. Teamwork. Respect.
“At Maple Leaf Foods we are committed to attracting, rewarding and retaining talented people who are passionate about making a positive impact in their professional and personal lives every day.”
A noble mission. What better way to pursue it than as a bona fide full-time professional wiener peeler. The opening is at Maple Leafs’ hotdog plant in Hamilton.
Imagine the awe when you tell fellow partiers your occupation.
Picture the lineup of schools recruiting for career days.
The teachers may giggle, but the kids will scream for free samples.
You’re on Price Is Right and Drew Carey says, “What d’ya do for a living up in Canada, Mikey?”
I peel wieners, Drew.
“Good for you. Wiener peeler. Hmmm. reminds me, folks, get your pets spayed or neutered.”
Anyway, I check around and find yet another job opening at Maple Leaf. Wiener stuffer. Hit it ...
I’m not the wiener stuffer
I’m the wiener stuffer’s son
I’m only stuffing ...
(Ed. note: Stop that, you hotdogger, or we’ll make you pose for a picture like Gilles Duceppe in the silly hairnet.)
NO! Not that! I’ll do anything, boss.
The photo of Duceppe in a cheese factory was a body blow to the Bloc. He looked like a weenie. Un chien chaud. Un hotdog.
I wonder. How do wiener peelers and stuffers look? All dressed?
I call Linda Smith at Maple Leaf Foods and ask: What company wit came up with those job titles?
“They’re in the union contract,” she says. “They’re really a kind of food-processing operator.”
So machines do the actual stuffing and peeling. Thank God. I can’t imagine sitting there all day, fingers numb, going, “hundred thousand and one weenies, hundred thousand and two weenies, hundred thousand and ...”
The wiener stuffer fills the tubular collagen casings with hot dog sludge. Since you asked, the ooze typically comprises mechanically separated chicken, pork, beef, water, wheat gluten, salt, sodium phosphate, spice, dextrose, corn syrup solids, sodium erythorbate, garlic powder, onion powder, sodium nitrite and smoke.
If you need to ask what mechanically separated chicken is, don’t.
Or go eat a veggie burger.
Once the dogs have been divided and smoked and solidified, the wiener peeler removes the casings.
The stuffer and peeler look like hazmat officials or Apollo astronauts.
They wear blue rubber and plastic head to toe, with hairnet, hardhats and mask. Plus earmuffs. Yes. All those dogs barking.
The hirings, says Smith, are to gear up for summer, when 60% of wieners are sold.
What a great job, eh?
I assume you get to take home any bent, twisted or otherwise defective wieners.
And you’d be in the pantheon of careers with chicken sexer, pet food tester, bounty hunter, odor reader, fortune cookie writer, golf ball diver and newspaper hack.
Plus, you’re wrapped in a soft, warm union. The Brotherhood of Bun Fillers (BBF), or whatever it’s called.
I can picture the negotiations:
“We want a raise, a longer lunch, three weeks holiday, dental coverage and pension improvements.
“But hold the mustard.”
I wish I could curl up in a small, but plush, catball and have Sunbeam Time with Jake.
Oh, look ... Frank has brought me a dandelion.
Why were two robins fighting with a 1996 Jetta? ;-)
Cyber loves his Omaha Steaks wieners He wants to make sure there is enough room. I think.
It’s so good to hear from you!
See me
Peel me-e-e
Touch me
Peel me-e-ee...
Why were two robins fighting with a 1996 Jetta? ;-)
They were just your everyday Jetta Knights, fighting the Dark Ford over the fate of a Galaxie 500.
I am now officially creeped out.
They disliked oxidized paint.
I’m around, sorta.
Been looking for cheddar brats, but haven’t found them.
Seems my local markets are ‘the suck’ when it comes to bratwurst.
That’s funny. It reminds me of why Obama was never circumcised: there’s no end to that pr!ck.
Will you be here all week? I remembered to tip my waitress. ;-)
Hiya!!! Such a cute photo...again!
Nothing like a cute kitten to start the day!
True! LOL!!
*sigh*
I think this thread doesn’t need our help. It seems to be taking on a life of its own.
(Funny stuff!)
Just to let you know, Swedesboro New Jersey or surrounding areas may suffer from coffeed up attack deer.
Shuttle driver at my job lives down there, and he has deer that don’t give a hoot about human presence.
So I suggested he make some attempts to give them coffee.
I’ll keep you posted.
Morning. Well, it was on its way to being dead when we took it over.
Hello, again!
Boy, has it been January since I posted to the UT??
Yikes! Tempus fugit!
I just installed the Firefox 4 Beta for a test drive. So far, so good, and I like the arrangement.
If you want in on the leading edge, here ‘tis:
http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/beta/
Uh-oh. That w-o-r-k thing is giving me the hairy eyeball, again. Rats!
TTFN
Weird. I did the same thing last night at home on my laptop...
Not sure I like it so far. I like having my little Steampunk theme.
I know how that goes; I had to give up my “Old Machine” theme on the update to 3.0. Maybe there’ll be a v.4-compatible version...
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