Posted on 09/23/2011 6:14:07 AM PDT by Lucky9teen
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Hot damn!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I’m in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I’m bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. I get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m Sleeping at the bottom of my master’s bed! Life is
great!
__________________________________________
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first
opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream
of escape (and the tepid satisfaction I receive from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture). In yet another demonstration of civil
disobedience,
I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover
of darkness.
Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going
according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on
the
floor. I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe I’ll start
vomiting in their shoes and/or beds. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘’good little
hunter’’ I am. The audacity!!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow— but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released—and he seems more than willing to return!! He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird has got to be an informant— I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe— for now.
But I can wait.
It is only a matter of time.....
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He replied, “Do you have any Rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She replied, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this shit except me.”
Stolen....and proliferated!
Can’t believe this works!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/NA-ST8nXl4U?rel=0
Male or Female......
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..
EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTECONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
I’d smurf it.
I'd smurf it.
Smurf yeah!
Via IOwntheWorld dot com...
WOMEN’s DRINKS AND WHO THEY ARE.
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Martinis
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink……
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is..this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
MEN’S DRINKS & WHO THEY ARE
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He likes men
Dogs are wolves on welfare.
Good morning and thanks for the PING!!!
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