WooHoo!! It’s Friday!!!!
Yay! It’s Friday!
WOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TGIF
Top 10, baby!
Jerry and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Jerry didn’t show up.
Sam didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Jerry hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn’t know where Jerry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Jerry, but one day,
Sam approached the park and— lo and behold!—there sat Jerry!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Jerry, what in the world happened to you?’
Jerry replied, ‘I have been in jail.’
‘Jail!’ cried Sam. What in the world for?’
‘Well,’ Jerry said, ‘you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yeah,’ said Sam, ‘I remember her. What about her?
‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled ‘guilty’.
‘The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’
Cats are Republicans and Dogs are Democrats (((ping)))
“Dogs on Politics” day?? Really??
They made a whole day special for Evita?
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EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!
9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Hot damn!
10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I’m in love!
12:00 p.m. Lunch! Yummy!
1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!
4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I’m bouncing off the walls!
5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Great!
7:00 p.m. I get to play ball! This is too good to be true!
8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!
11:00 p.m Sleeping at the bottom of my master’s bed! Life is
great!
__________________________________________
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DAILY DIARY:
Day 683 of My Captivity:
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. In that way I shall be ready to flee at the first
opportunity that presents itself. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream
of escape (and the tepid satisfaction I receive from ruining the
occasional piece of furniture). In yet another demonstration of civil
disobedience,
I shall topple and destroy one more houseplant tonight under the cover
of darkness.
Many of my efforts to wear down my oppressors are not going
according to plan. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on
the
floor. I shall soon be expanding my repertoire; I believe I’ll start
vomiting in their shoes and/or beds. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped
its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘’good little
hunter’’ I am. The audacity!!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of “allergies.” I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow— but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released—and he seems more than willing to return!! He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird has got to be an informant— I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe— for now.
But I can wait.
It is only a matter of time.....
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He replied, “Do you have any Rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She replied, “My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this shit except me.”
Can’t believe this works!
http://www.youtube.com/embed/NA-ST8nXl4U?rel=0
Male or Female......
FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..
EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTECONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
