Posted on 02/17/2012 7:01:30 AM PST by Lucky9teen
Considering the stuff I put down my gullet, not scary at all......when I pop off a poot I simply remind wifey that laundry day really isn't that far off....
“and the press will distort everything you say......”
How true!!
A SLOW JOKE...
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three
entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the
cowboy, ‘Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed
one seat.’
The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The
usher became more impatient: ‘Sir,
if you don’t get up from there I’m going to
have to call the manager.’
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The
usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the
manager. Together the two of
them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy,
but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas
Ranger surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, ‘All right buddy what’s
your name?’
‘Fred,’ the cowboy moaned.
‘Where ya from, Fred?’ asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without
moving a muscle, Fred said
.....................
‘...the balcony...’
WHEN YOU GET OLDER...
Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you too. Don’t laugh.....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run—anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask,”did I wake you?”
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.
20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Most importantly, never, ever, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Here’s a problem I recently faced caused by getting older.
I wear glasses with progressive lenses. I cannot focus on anything at any distance without them.
I also on occasion have to work on the local shipyards, where I’m required to wear safety shoes, hard hat, and safety glasses with side shields.
So last year I had my prescription glasses made as safety glasses. They have detachable side shields.
So I went to the shipyard last week, had the side shields in my pocket. Got there and realized a problem.........
I COULDN’T SEE TO INSTALL THEM ON MY GLASSES!!!!!
http://bit.ly/d282V0
"Well," his father said, "your mother and I decided to give our children names that would remind us of the night they were conceived.
"On the night your brother was conceived, it was stormy, the sky filled with lightning and thunder. On a bluff, we saw a wolf howling in the rain. So we named your brother 'Wolf-Who-Sings-With-the-Thunder.'
"When your sister was conceived, we were camped beside a quiet lake, watching the moon. So we named her 'Full-Moon-Shining-on-Still Water.'"
"Oh," said the boy. "Hope I didn't bother you with all my questions."
"Not at all," replied his father, "That's how you learn, Large-Defective-Condom-Made-in-China."
MEDICAL ALERT...
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you get WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or all of these three antidotes - Really Urgent Medicine (RUM), Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
In Mozilla Firefox, you can right click on the web page, click to “View Source” and copy and paste the code from there.
Cost to taxpayers for trip from DC for photo-op as Navy Seals come home DESPITE requests of families and Pentagon that no photos be taken: Unknown
Emotional distress to families that their wishes not honored: High
The lives of these now departed brave warriors in another Vietnam: PRICELESS!
Cost to taxpayers for trip from DC for photo-op as Navy Seals come home DESPITE requests of families and Pentagon that no photos be taken: Unknown
Emotional distress to families that their wishes not honored: High
The lives of these now departed brave warriors in another Vietnam: PRICELESS!
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