Dad’s from Texas:
“That’s like shootin’ fish in a barrel” (usually used when someone related a underachieving accomplishment)
“That gal’s about a double ax-handle” (used to reference a large behind)
“She’s as big as a barn door” (dad’s got a thing about large women)
“Oh I guess I was about half-drunk” (I’ve decided he means he was really drunk but can still recall the evening)
Go rent the the movie Bernie. It’s packed fuller ‘n a tick on a coon dog with expressions like this.
Dad also used to say:
“She’s got more hang ups than a tree full of possums” (chick with issues)
But I googled it and looks like possums don’t actually hang. I’ll have to ask him about this one.
Waaaay southern Illinois
All hat, no cattle. All belt buckle, and no rodeo. As careful as a naked man climbing a barbed wire fence. No man is so stupid he doesn’t know when payday is or whete the food is at. Fool who can’t find a goat in a flock of sheep. Booze has been talking for him so long, that he’s speechless. A fool buys a saddle that costs more than his horse. A fool spends all day deciding which side of bed the roll out of. A man who milks a cow in the dark gets a bucket of piss. If you’re not going to kill over it, don’t get angry over it. Never name anything you’re going to eat. If you can’t get a man to do something, tell him he’s too old to do it. Never trust a man who agrees with you, he’s probably wrong. A man on foot who finds a horse, never thinks it’s the wrong color. Coffee thick enough to float a bullet and hot enough to melt it. Talk slower and think quicker. A cowboy that doesn’t have cowshit on the outside of those boots, probably has it on the inside. Keep an empty chamber under your temper. The secret to a rain dance is timing. A man who tells you he’s all guts, is probably a goose. A coyote that stares at you from far off, is waiting for you to stop paying attention. When you eat something, it’s never important what it is, it’s important what it was. Nasty as horse piss beer with the froth farted off. A talker fights you from across the street, a fightet gets close enough to kiss you and doesn’t say shit. A smart dog knows how to put on his own chain and how to take it off, too. A man stuck in cactus finds his way out, if he hears a bear grunt. Sometimes a man has to hit a wall before he quits running from himself. If everybody’s sick and you only have one bottle of medicine, make the doctor drink it. If you’re going to eat crow eat it while it’s warm...the taste doesn’t improve. You’ll never know what a boot taste like if you keep your mouth shut. Give a woman a kind word, you’ll never have to take it back. Stories should be like a sack of sugar...tell a little bit at a time and make it last all winter. A cowboy never puts the sun behind im coming over ridge, never craps on his spurs, never drinks downstream from the herd. If I horse is nervous, blow on it’s nose...he just wants to know that you’re not a horse eater. If you think you’re king of the world, try calling another man’s dog. A useless man can’t find work, but a blind pig can find acorns. If your woman accuses you of cheating, start eating garlic. It makes as much sense to buy fancy clothes, as it does to buy shiny horseshoes.
That’s all I can think of...except if you wear a sixgun, never insult seven men...lol
He’s been here since the Dead Sea was sick.
Texas born and Texas bred, and when I die I’ll be Texas dead.
“Ugly enough to scare a blind dig off a meat truck”
When forced to do something unpleasant:
“Would rather scrape my head with a cheese grater”
Would rather pound myself on the side of the head with the sharp end of a claw hammer”
I feel more like I do now, than I did when I got here.
It’s hotter in the country than it is in the summertime.
And a favorite from my Old Man when us kids were feeling a bit bigger than our britches:
“Just cause you smell like apesh$t don’t mean you’re Tarzan”
So hungry i could eat a dirty biscuit.
Kiss my butt and call it a love story.
“He’s as crooked as a fish hook.”
Said by my late father, God bless him, in describing Bill Clinton. Daddy was a lifelong blue-collar Democrat until the last couple of years of his life, when Bubba’s escapades managed to turn him around.
Another favorite from Dad:
“He ain’t an a$$hole, he’s a hemmorhoid.
A$$holes serve a purpose in life. They evacuate waste. He is a bloated puss filled thing that painfully blocks progress”
Almost forgot....my mom, seeing Alan Colmes for the first time on Fox News: “That man looks like a frog peeping through ice!”
“That’ll go over like a fart in church.”
“Colder than a well-digger’s ass in January.”
"Honey, a pee can is something you put beside your bed at night. A Pecan (pee con) is something you eat.
My sis in law, referring to an older gentleman, said “you can’t shoot pool with a rope.”
My granddaddy, rather than call BS, would say “horsefeathers”.
Tighter than bark on a tree. (Stingy)