(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

An oldie but goodie:

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, oatmeal-olive oil soap and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how stinky it is and how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the oatmeal-olive oil soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Here’s another important reminder that needs to be shared every so often. I provide it as a public service.

A man’s rules:

Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present again!

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

We don’t remember dates. . . .Period!!

Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before!!

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what they’re saying anyway.)

BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it’s like camping.

Rejection Lines from Women
(And their true meanings)

I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing kid in ‘Deliverance.’)

There’s a slight difference in our ages.
(I don’t want to do my dad.)

I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way.
(You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)

My life is too complicated right now.
(I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

I’ve got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)

I don’t date men where I work.
(I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)

It’s not you, it’s me.
(It’s you.)

I’m concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

I’m celibate.
(I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

Let’s be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It’s the male perspective thing.)

Husband Store vs. Wife Store
These should exist, no?

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On each floor the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

THE WIFE STORE

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he
floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

‘Amazing,’ he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he
saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, ‘What am I doing? I’m too old for this,’ and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, ‘Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.’

The old gentleman paused. Then said, ‘5 years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.’

‘Have a good day, sir,’ replied the trooper...

Another hunting joke.

That is just wrong!! But hilarious as hell!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.” After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

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