Posted on 12/25/2012 12:42:28 AM PST by nickcarraway
Yay, Christmas is here! Time to brace yourself for the full effect of how crazy your family really is. The holiday household can be a bubbling crucible for the very best and most pungent acts of weirdness, all brought on by proximity and eggnog. But no matter what mean things grandma says when she's had a few or how long your sister's kids can run in circles around the fragile -- kids, FRAGILE! -- Christmas tree, your crazy isn't gonna beat the crazy of these classic holiday traditions from around the world.
Gather 'round the flaming Yule Goat
In certain parts of Scandinavia, nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a giant straw effigy of a goat. The "Yule Goat," (or julbocken, if you're fancy) originated like most Christmas traditions, in that people aren't exactly sure. It has some roots in Norse mythology, wherein the god Thor rode around in a chariot pulled by goats. But in more recent history, the lore plays out more along the lines of the Christian association of goats as demonic creatures. Either way, there are lots of goats. Typically, they manifest as cute little ornaments you put on the tree, but some towns erect giant statues of the goat. And sometimes people set those statues on fire. Adorable.
Someone needs to potty train that log
In Catalonia, Spain, they have this thing that's...well: It's a pooping log. Yeah. The Tio de Nadal (Christmas log) or Caga tio (Google it, we can't print that word here) is like a cross between a Tamagotchi and a pinata. A few days into December, parents gift their kiddies a friendly-looking hollow log for them to care for. Every night, the family "feeds" the log and covers it with a blanket, because logs feel feelings. Then, on Christmas, they sing Log songs and beat the log with sticks, ordering it to eliminate. And eliminate it does -- nuts, dates, candies -- and when it can eliminate no more, its swan song comes in the form of some pungent food like onion or herring.
Hide yo' brooms, hide yo wife
In Norway, they have a pretty solid idea of what witches and evil spirits do and do not like. And man, do those spirits love brooms. They also love Christmas, so on Christmas Eve, people hide their brooms so witches and the like won't hang around. For good measure, a male family member may pop his head out the front door and fire off a few blasts from a shotgun to show those spirits who's boss.
Coal in your stocking? YOU SHOULD BE SO LUCKY
Kids, meet Krampus. You know how Santa's all cuddly yet strangely omniscient, like the good cop in a movie? Well, Krampus is your bad cop. He looks like a goat who has eaten 20 other goats and then walked through fire. He will threaten you with rusty chains and kidnap you if you've been naughty. Sometimes, he is literally an embodiment of Satan. The same Alpine people who brought you the messed up world of the Brothers Grimm are also responsible for Krampus. In Austria, Croatia and surrounding countries, a guy dressed as Krampus will roam the streets terrifying young children and reminding them that with the sweetness and light of Christmas comes an equal and opposite force of darkness and evil, and if you're a naughty little girl or boy, Krampus will cart you off AND EAT YOU. Sleep tight!
Wanna see my lucky underwear?!
In Italy and parts of Spain, people wear red underwear on New Year's Eve. Normal enough: Red has long been considered an auspicious color, and swaddling your bum in it seems like a decent way to start the New Year off on a good foot. But whenever there's underwear involved, you can count on people to get weird about it. Every year, in the small Spanish town of Font de la Figuera, people take the opportunity to the fullest and run around in their crimson skivvies. And yes, it's usually freezing cold. It's not a Christmas tradition, but you still have time to pick up a pair of Hanes and traumatize the neighbors. You can tell the judge you were just being cultural.
Hilarious. And it does beat coal in the stocking and telling gun-crazed lil boys “You’ll shoot your eye out with that thing” before giving them a BB gun.
Shucks, that's nothing. Ever been in South Central on New Years Eve? It's a lot more than a "few blasts."
Yep. There’s a reason the cops all park under freeway overpasses at midnight!
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