Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

Pentagon Scraps 'Lightsaber' Weapons Program After Gross Misconduct, Numerous Injuries
http://www.duffelblog.com ^ | 11/15/13 | Taylor Merrick

Posted on 11/16/2013 8:35:03 AM PST by Rebelbase

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — A top secret weapons development program has been scrapped after countless allegations of misconduct and numerous injuries were sustained by soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan, The Duffel Blog has learned.

Dubbed “The Lightsaber,” the weapon (nomenclature MR2D2) was a near perfect imitation of those carried by Jedi Knights in the iconic Star Wars movies.

“Even with having the most professional military in the world,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little, “we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they’ve dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey.”

While the original intent behind the program was to provide a new, stealthy device for entry into suspected insurgent hideouts, the program quickly descended into chaos when infantry and special operations units were given lightsabers to test on the battlefield.

Less than 30 minutes after being issued the new weapon, one soldier severed his hand reenacting the infamous “Star Wars kid” YouTube video. Another had his confiscated for sketching sexually explicit images on the side of concrete bunkers and two Marines were arrested for poking lightsaber peep holes into female showers.

“What were they thinking?” said Capt. John Douglas. “My infantry company is now at 50 percent strength. Every single one of my soldiers took a brain dump. Even my first sergeant, who’s a huge Star Wars and 2Pac fan, wanted me to brand his arm with ‘Jedi 4 life.’”

While most incidents have not been officially reported as officers scramble to salvage their careers, rumors have circulated to the most egregious uses by service members.

One special forces soldier was caught trimming his beard, a group of soldiers held a lightsaber jousting tournament using donkeys and a Marine was flown to Germany for surgery after joking to a female, “is that a lightsaber in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?”

Despite being carried on numerous missions, the lightsaber was never once used for its intended purpose. Allegations of detainee abuse have surfaced after special forces raided a suspected IED bomb makers house and threatened to ‘Dooku his ass.’

The test program — which was supposed to last three months — was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.

“Dude,” said Jones. “Do you think I could block a bullet?”


TOPICS: Humor; Military/Veterans
KEYWORDS:
The author served as an infantryman in Afghanistan.
1 posted on 11/16/2013 8:35:03 AM PST by Rebelbase
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

2 posted on 11/16/2013 8:35:27 AM PST by Rebelbase (Tagline: optional, printed after your name on post)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

I guess Yoda will have to show them how it’s done


3 posted on 11/16/2013 8:37:54 AM PST by jsanders2001
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: jsanders2001

Show them how it is done, I will, eerm...


4 posted on 11/16/2013 8:40:56 AM PST by null and void (I'm betting on an Obama Trifecta: A Nobel Peace Prize, an Impeachment, AND a War Crimes Trial...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: jsanders2001

Controlled by the dark side they were.


5 posted on 11/16/2013 8:40:56 AM PST by mkmensinger
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 3 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

I remember one time when my squadron CO handed out a box of Bench Made push button auto knives. Within minutes we had a pool going for who the first person would be to cut themselves. Everybody voted for the same guy so we shifted to a time to bleeding format. 10 minutes later said individual walked in looking for a bandaid, to find the pool written up on the white board.


6 posted on 11/16/2013 8:41:42 AM PST by USNBandit (sarcasm engaged at all times)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Revolting cat!; Slings and Arrows
Then there's that whole repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell thing...


7 posted on 11/16/2013 8:43:05 AM PST by a fool in paradise (America 2013 - STUCK ON STUPID)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

I’ve always wondered how the length of the light would just stop maybe three feet. OTOH, got caught thinking the story was true until near the end. Funny.


8 posted on 11/16/2013 8:45:43 AM PST by SkyDancer (Live your life in such a way that the Westboro church will want to picket your funeral.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

Could be worse. Imagine a bunch of ravers pumped up on ecstacy dancing with these instead of glow sticks.


9 posted on 11/16/2013 8:47:06 AM PST by KarlInOhio (Everyone get online for Obamacare on 10/1. Overload the system and crash it hard!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

May the farts be with you!


10 posted on 11/16/2013 8:47:38 AM PST by bigbob (The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly. Abraham Lincoln)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Comment #11 Removed by Moderator

To: Rebelbase
I wonder if they used my idea.

All known matter is surrounded by a kind of cloud of electrons. Electrons are electrically neutral. This is why my fingers are able to push down on these keys as I type: Like charges repel each other.

What if, through some collossal blunder of physics, the atoms of my fingers were surrounded by a cloud of positively charged electrons (Called Positrons)? My fingers would then pass through the keyboard, causing a shearing effect that would seperate the matter at the atomic level, and damaging the keyboard and my fingers.

If a controllable beam of positrons were to be emitted in a preset area and stream, it would pass through all known forms of matter. In fact, the only thing that would halt such a shearing effect would be another beam of positrons.

We are already able to make electrons pretty much do what we want (stunguns, Tesla Coils, etc.). How difficult would it be to do the same with positrons?

As a lifesaving tool, it would effortlessly cut through steel, concrete and anything else the user wished. As a weapon, it would bore holes through armor thicker than anything currently known. Anything made of atoms would be influenced by a positron beam.

That's the theory. Putting it in a package the size of a chrome flashlight, however.....


Blast from the past.
12 posted on 11/16/2013 8:50:11 AM PST by RandallFlagg (IRS = Internal Revenge Service)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

These aren’t the marines you’re looking for...


13 posted on 11/16/2013 8:50:54 AM PST by LucianOfSamasota (Tanstaafl - its not just for breakfast anymore...)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

The only thing more devastating to morale would be lie detector glasses.

I guess the Air Force poked holes in the Men’s showers?


14 posted on 11/16/2013 8:51:22 AM PST by ImJustAnotherOkie (zerogottago)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: SkyDancer
I’ve always wondered how the length of the light would just stop maybe three feet.

It would be an arc, not a straight beam. Coming out of the emitter in a loop, and back.
15 posted on 11/16/2013 8:52:37 AM PST by RandallFlagg (IRS = Internal Revenge Service)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: ImJustAnotherOkie

The govt. pulls the plug on the creating one of the baddest ass fictional weapons of all time, but they give massive grants for the study of urine as it hits a toilet?


16 posted on 11/16/2013 8:58:34 AM PST by Antihero101607
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

Hokey religions and ancient magic are no match for a good blaster at your side!

(Han Shot First!)


17 posted on 11/16/2013 9:00:56 AM PST by KitJ (Shall not be infringed)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase
It is not as Clumsy or Random as a Blaster.

An elegant weapon from a more...civilized age.

18 posted on 11/16/2013 9:03:22 AM PST by KC_Lion (Build the America you want to live in at your address, and keep looking up.-Sarah Palin)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: KC_Lion; KitJ

#17 and #18, Well done, both of you!


19 posted on 11/16/2013 9:13:44 AM PST by Rebelbase (Tagline: optional, printed after your name on post)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 18 | View Replies]

To: USNBandit
After I had bought one of those new ceramic kitchen knives, it didn't take long before three family members, (myself included) had cut themselves.

When I told my mother about it, she asked, "so it's sharp?"

"Like a piece of glass" I replied.

20 posted on 11/16/2013 9:21:58 AM PST by sportutegrl (Go suck on a slurpee, Obama)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: RandallFlagg

***electrons (Called Positrons)?***

The weapon used by treasonous Jane Fonda in BARBARELLA.


21 posted on 11/16/2013 9:22:17 AM PST by Ruy Dias de Bivar (Sometimes you need 7+ more ammo. LOTS MORE.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: ImJustAnotherOkie

No the air force was smart enough to know where the women’s s hi owers were.


22 posted on 11/16/2013 9:38:45 AM PST by driftdiver (I could eat it raw, but why do that when I have a fire.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Ruy Dias de Bivar

Are you sure you’re spelling Posi correctly?

I mean., this is Jane Fondle we are talking about.


23 posted on 11/16/2013 9:39:15 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 21 | View Replies]

To: ImJustAnotherOkie

Report Finds Vast Air Force Conspiracy To Recruit Hot Chicks

http://www.duffelblog.com/2013/05/report-finds-air-force-vast-conspiracy-to-recruit-hot-chicks/


24 posted on 11/16/2013 10:00:57 AM PST by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase
>> “and a Marine was flown to Germany for surgery after joking to a female, “is that a lightsaber in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?” <<

.
What is missing from this anecdote?

25 posted on 11/16/2013 10:21:48 AM PST by editor-surveyor (Freepers: Not as smart as I'd hoped they'd be)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: null and void

I’ll be looking for a “MR2D2” on the surplus market soon...

Great way to trim the tops of tall trees without ladders...


26 posted on 11/16/2013 10:30:22 AM PST by editor-surveyor (Freepers: Not as smart as I'd hoped they'd be)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 4 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

Remember the words of Dark Helmet, “Its not how big it is but how you use it!”


27 posted on 11/16/2013 10:37:45 AM PST by pleasenotcalifornia
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase
One of those would make a great bayonet for my 40 watt phased plasma rifle.
28 posted on 11/16/2013 10:40:28 AM PST by CrazyIvan (Obama phones= Bread and circuits.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

Ok... this is satire, right?

I just never know anymore.


29 posted on 11/16/2013 10:45:58 AM PST by PastorBooks
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: SkyDancer

Lucasfilms explained it a long time ago: The lightsaber produces an extendable filament just like a collapsible car radio antenna then retracts it when the lightsaber is turned off. The energy emits from the surface of the filament. You can see this in the films.


30 posted on 11/16/2013 11:11:50 AM PST by The KG9 Kid
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 8 | View Replies]

To: The KG9 Kid

Okay, Thanks!


31 posted on 11/16/2013 11:17:52 AM PST by SkyDancer (Live your life in such a way that the Westboro church will want to picket your funeral.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 30 | View Replies]

To: driftdiver

Uh...That’s not quite what I meant...


32 posted on 11/16/2013 11:56:47 AM PST by ImJustAnotherOkie (zerogottago)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 22 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase

Wasting money on this stuff when it could be going to Major Ed Dames and remote viewing.


33 posted on 11/16/2013 12:12:36 PM PST by MUDDOG
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: USNBandit

Bench Made auto...the Infidel?


34 posted on 11/16/2013 1:56:08 PM PST by gundog (Help us, Nairobi-Wan Kenobi...you're our only hope.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: MUDDOG

Major Ed Dames is an ego-manic. At least he came across that way on Coast to Coast over the years. I don’t know if that quality is a plus or minus when you’re trying to teach something as ephemeral as remote viewing. His pomposity may add to his authority and mystique. If John McCain had a slightly younger brother, he would be named Ed (cocky attitude) Dames.


35 posted on 11/16/2013 4:24:40 PM PST by lee martell
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: lee martell

Art Bell really loved him, but I used to groan when he came on.


36 posted on 11/16/2013 4:26:11 PM PST by MUDDOG
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 35 | View Replies]

To: gundog

Benchmade.Auto Stryker with Tanto blade.


37 posted on 11/16/2013 7:26:14 PM PST by USNBandit (sarcasm engaged at all times)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 34 | View Replies]

To: Rebelbase
I though I was going to see some epic lightsaber battles from Marines or something:

Ryan vs Dorkman

38 posted on 11/17/2013 12:06:55 PM PST by Vince Ferrer
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson