Skip to comments.Pentagon Scraps 'Lightsaber' Weapons Program After Gross Misconduct, Numerous Injuries
Posted on 11/16/2013 8:35:03 AM PST by Rebelbase
BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN A top secret weapons development program has been scrapped after countless allegations of misconduct and numerous injuries were sustained by soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan, The Duffel Blog has learned.
Dubbed The Lightsaber, the weapon (nomenclature MR2D2) was a near perfect imitation of those carried by Jedi Knights in the iconic Star Wars movies.
Even with having the most professional military in the world, said Pentagon spokesman George Little, we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon theyve dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey.
While the original intent behind the program was to provide a new, stealthy device for entry into suspected insurgent hideouts, the program quickly descended into chaos when infantry and special operations units were given lightsabers to test on the battlefield.
Less than 30 minutes after being issued the new weapon, one soldier severed his hand reenacting the infamous Star Wars kid YouTube video. Another had his confiscated for sketching sexually explicit images on the side of concrete bunkers and two Marines were arrested for poking lightsaber peep holes into female showers.
What were they thinking? said Capt. John Douglas. My infantry company is now at 50 percent strength. Every single one of my soldiers took a brain dump. Even my first sergeant, whos a huge Star Wars and 2Pac fan, wanted me to brand his arm with Jedi 4 life.
While most incidents have not been officially reported as officers scramble to salvage their careers, rumors have circulated to the most egregious uses by service members.
One special forces soldier was caught trimming his beard, a group of soldiers held a lightsaber jousting tournament using donkeys and a Marine was flown to Germany for surgery after joking to a female, is that a lightsaber in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?
Despite being carried on numerous missions, the lightsaber was never once used for its intended purpose. Allegations of detainee abuse have surfaced after special forces raided a suspected IED bomb makers house and threatened to Dooku his ass.
The test program which was supposed to last three months was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.
Dude, said Jones. Do you think I could block a bullet?
I guess Yoda will have to show them how it’s done
Show them how it is done, I will, eerm...
Controlled by the dark side they were.
I remember one time when my squadron CO handed out a box of Bench Made push button auto knives. Within minutes we had a pool going for who the first person would be to cut themselves. Everybody voted for the same guy so we shifted to a time to bleeding format. 10 minutes later said individual walked in looking for a bandaid, to find the pool written up on the white board.
I’ve always wondered how the length of the light would just stop maybe three feet. OTOH, got caught thinking the story was true until near the end. Funny.
Could be worse. Imagine a bunch of ravers pumped up on ecstacy dancing with these instead of glow sticks.
May the farts be with you!
These aren’t the marines you’re looking for...
The only thing more devastating to morale would be lie detector glasses.
I guess the Air Force poked holes in the Men’s showers?
The govt. pulls the plug on the creating one of the baddest ass fictional weapons of all time, but they give massive grants for the study of urine as it hits a toilet?
Hokey religions and ancient magic are no match for a good blaster at your side!
(Han Shot First!)
An elegant weapon from a more...civilized age.
#17 and #18, Well done, both of you!
When I told my mother about it, she asked, "so it's sharp?"
"Like a piece of glass" I replied.
***electrons (Called Positrons)?***
The weapon used by treasonous Jane Fonda in BARBARELLA.
No the air force was smart enough to know where the women’s s hi owers were.
Are you sure you’re spelling Posi correctly?
I mean., this is Jane Fondle we are talking about.
Report Finds Vast Air Force Conspiracy To Recruit Hot Chicks
What is missing from this anecdote?
I’ll be looking for a “MR2D2” on the surplus market soon...
Great way to trim the tops of tall trees without ladders...
Remember the words of Dark Helmet, “Its not how big it is but how you use it!”
Ok... this is satire, right?
I just never know anymore.
Lucasfilms explained it a long time ago: The lightsaber produces an extendable filament just like a collapsible car radio antenna then retracts it when the lightsaber is turned off. The energy emits from the surface of the filament. You can see this in the films.
Uh...That’s not quite what I meant...
Wasting money on this stuff when it could be going to Major Ed Dames and remote viewing.
Bench Made auto...the Infidel?
Major Ed Dames is an ego-manic. At least he came across that way on Coast to Coast over the years. I don’t know if that quality is a plus or minus when you’re trying to teach something as ephemeral as remote viewing. His pomposity may add to his authority and mystique. If John McCain had a slightly younger brother, he would be named Ed (cocky attitude) Dames.
Art Bell really loved him, but I used to groan when he came on.
Benchmade.Auto Stryker with Tanto blade.
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