Skip to comments.Passing gas 101: What your flatulence patterns mean for your health
Posted on 04/01/2014 10:52:40 AM PDT by US Navy Vet
Passing gas: Everybody does it and no one wants to admit it.
This embarrassing habit may seem foul, but breaking wind is simply an unavoidable byproduct of our daily digestion. In fact, the average individual can pass gas anywhere from 13 to 21 times a day.
But your gaseous patterns can actually speak volumes about your health, especially in regards to your eating habits, and they may even serve as an indication of larger digestive health issues.
People who produce excessive amounts of gas and particularly foul smelling gas if youre eating a super high fiber diet, that could be part of it, Dr. Anish Sheth, a gastroenterologist in Princeton, N.J., told FoxNews.com. But if its something thats persistent, and your significant other is noticing it, it could be a problem.
(Excerpt) Read more at foxnews.com ...
Vegetarians stink and are related to cows!
Yes they do have a LOT of gassy emissions....
Funny how vegans are now railing against methane....
Maybe they should all go jump off a cliff...
flatus...a genus closely related to FLOTUS?
They just need to install an ignition system on their ass!
I have a buddy of mine - retired Marine - who can LAY WASTE to the entire cubicle population at work. The man is a Methane Production Machine, and causes eye-watering, nostril-burning emissions that can be seen GLOWING from space with the miasmatic FUNK of it all....
His bowels should be classified by the EPA as an Environmental Disaster Area...
And he just smiles, grins, and laughs about it.
When he’s in the toilet stalls, if you are unlucky enough to be in there at the same time, you’ll find yourself hammering on the wall, begging for a Courtesy Flush...
Yeah... it’s that bad. Funnier than hell, but man... what a stench.
Ozone depleting air biscuits...
What’s it mean when it persistently smells like roses?
“More Beans Mr. Tagart?”
A number of years ago I ran out of propane on a forklift in the middle of the dock. As I was rolling the empty to the end of the dock for a fresh tank one of our guys asked; “Did you run out of gas way down there?” I told him, “No, I might run out of fuel once in a while but I never run out of gas.”
You should be more careful where you sit...
Well, that certainly clears the air.
Got this recently in an email:
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning ...she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, “Honey you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
” What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in.”
“Whats it mean when it persistently smells like roses?”
If people are telling you that, it means you out rank them or can affect their pay check. It does not, however, mean that your gas really does smell like roses.
Save the Humpback Whales < /National Lampoon Radio Hour >
Hell, I’m at 21 before I even get out of bed...
Alright, who put ‘music’ in the ‘keywords’? Fessup.
Take it in and revel in it, it means you’re alive! I know a guy, while driving with passengers will roll up the windows (and electrically lock them out), then cut a big one and laugh his head off.
LOL! However, I've been on the "Eat to Live" regimen espoused by Dr. Joel Fuhrman for 18 months (more like 80%). Simply put, it's a diet based on "beans and greens".
Without getting too graphic, the regimen promotes regularity, so much so that gas isn't a problem. I'll just leave it at that.
Doesn't matter if it was nice smelling flowers, cologne, baked goods, whatever. I'm still waiting to use that line.
"Not it", but if you put pineapples in your baked beans, do you hear Hawaiian music?
It means you need to get to a doctor right away - there is something wrong with your nose.
Years ago, when I was a kid in 7th grade, we were in church for Tuesday morning mass.
Fat Eddie D was standing directly in front of me. There was a reason we called him “Fat Eddie”. This kid was huge for his age.
Anyway... he let one rip. And boy, was it ever a cheek-flapper. Just nasty. So I cracked up, along with all the other boys around me.
Out of nowhere, I get smacked solidly in the head from behind. A Righteous Hand of Divine Retribution....
Sister Helen “Most Homicidal” had slipped into the pew behind us, and singled ME out for laughing, her mustache and unibrow all a-twitching in fury.
I was alternately stunned from the smack, and gagging from the stench, and I blurted out “What the hell are you hitting ME for? I didn’t blast that one!!!”
The Priest stopped the service momentarily and me and five other kids had detention for about two weeks.
A fond memory to be sure....
“I’d say you’ve had enough.”
Obamugabe should take note...
this IS the WRATH OF POOTIN’
Beans...beans....good for your heart
To more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel.
Eat beans at every meal.
Pull my finger and blame the dog.
Beans... beans... the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot!
Since Hubby has been out of work, he’s been, shall we say, more “relaxed” at home during the day, since he’s the only one in the house. There are days I come home from work, and he’s in the family room, and it hits you like a wall. I’ve gotten to where I don’t even say anything, I just start lighting scented candles.
Word to the wise, eat your grains, beans and veggies and smell less toxic, unless you are lactose intolerant, in which case if you come near dairy sugars, expect bloating, pain and very bad smelling gas.
If you are able to contain your gas during the day, you just might overcome your sleeping "partner" during the night.
Hopefully, in that case, you will both sleep so soundly you won't notice all of the gas being produced or you will be unable to distinguish between his or hers, (or his/his, hers/hers, tranny/tranny!)
“...just start lighting scented candles.....”
A funky, malodorous, noxious wave... highly combustible! Be careful with the lighter!!!! Hahah!!!
To this day, I still crack up when someone busts one off. Immature? Youbetchadupa!! Ha!!
I ate my beans and they were loaded,
Went to bed and they exploded!
He’s sounds like a real “keeper”. Hold on to him before somebody with a fetish for unemployed gas passers snatches him up.
Well, they say laughter is the best medicine, so we're all good around our house.
We always use cane or wicker chairs in our dining room, for unimpeded acoustics during the championship rounds.
Please pass the bean burritos. I've got to beat my brother this year.
Had a brother-in-law who went to trade his truck in for a new one and the dealership told him they would have to replace the front bench seat because it smelled of his rancid emissions. Big beer drinker ... and smoker.
I’m in a strange town and having lunch in a strange restaurant.
I’m LMAO so hard I think they’re going to throw me out!
The author needs a new smeller!!!
Maybe a new brain to boot!
An old guy goes to his doctor.
"What seems to be the trouble?" asked the doctor.
"Doc, I"m bothered by silent gas emissions," said the old guy.
"OK," said the doctor. "I'll give your a check up. First, let's start with your hearing."
So... they are the ones causing global warming.
He who smelt it, dealt it.
Well played, sir. Well played indeed.
However, one question remains......was it an SBD?
So you see, once again we realize our government is doubling down on their deceptions ... if we meat eaters eat more cows, the flatulence of cows is reduced and the number of cows is also! ... Of course the American Heart Association will have their business go up, which feeds more into the tax base! ... And the failure to achieve goals will reduce the appeal of America for illegal aliens ... and that will employ more teens to cut lawns and do handiman works that needs to be done for the money hording aging population ... Hey! We may have the best fix for the globe, by golly!
Beware of crowded elevators early in the morning.
Can’t take the credit — it was Craig Ferguson said it.
Proudly expanding my carbon footprint for over 63 years.
Of course, environmentalists don’t fart, they’re just full of shit.
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