Well said!
You were getting like, really bored doing your usual hit-and-run posting of the Social media sites, posting endless snarks against everybody you "knew" was a conservative.
You smiled a bit as they tried to use logic and reasoning on you when addressing your inane comments, posted under your anonymous screen name. Little did they know that your life revolved completely around anonymous snarking, and your blazing hatred of America, all that it represented, and all those who supported it.
You weren't getting much satisfaction this morning, but at least it felt like you were getting even a little at your Dad, who always tried to convince you to get out of the basement and get a job and "make something of yourself".
The new computer your Mom bought you was acting up again, and your new Obama-fone needed to be replaced with the latest version. You made a mental note to harangue her about both of those issues today.
Also, she needed to be screamed at again about letting the chips and colas run low. And you weren't going to listen to anymore of her talk about "getting a bit overweight".
After all, 430 pounds wasn't overweight for your body type, and besides, you were 42 years old now, and could certainly make health decisions on your own!
Munching the last of a bag of Doritos and washing it down with a cola, you hollered out loud "I'm bored!".
That's when you got the "beep" of an email from you best friend "Twinkie".
The only thing in the the email was a short message: "Furry Bear, turn your wit, wisdom and wondrous intellect towards FreeRepublic.com!"
Thinking "Twinkie always knows how I like to roll", you took a deep breath, wiped the back of your hand across your Dorito-orange stained lips, and accessed FreeRepublic.
Quickly reading through the opening page, you smiled broadly and broke open another bag of chips. "Aha, a nest of Conservative Vipers live here." "They shall feel the wraith of my mighty snark!"
Using your usual gambit of signing up (with what you just knew was a really cool screen-name),and initially pretending to be a sympathetic and trustworthy member of the forum, you began to implement your plan for the "Total Destruction" of FreeRepublic.
And then, and then, it was like running into a nest of "Your Dad". As you dodged and weaved, snarked and slithered away and back, they just kept basically telling you to "get out of the basement and get a job and make something of yourself."
It was devastating, they came at you from every direction, never relenting. They whipped you like a rented mule. They drove you from snarking them, to insulting them, and finally to something they called "The Zot".
And then, just like that, it was all over. You screamed out "Mom, they hurted me!".
When she came running down the stairs, she saw you laying on the floor, on your stomach.
In between your howls of pain and her soothing words, she managed to pull down your month-old unwashed shorts and saw the source of your discomfort.
There it was, branded and smoldering on your gnormous backside -- a message from FreeRepublic.
"Zot!", "So long Nothingburger!"
Great post! :)
That is absolutely brilliant! And it is probably not very far from the truth.
You’re an author, aren’t you? Or a popular columnist? That’s col - um - nist, not communist!!! Thus “Col” Freeper?
In any case, you have posted another excellent butt-hurt essay for all to see and LTAO!
My bird salutes yours. Great post!
"Zot!", "So long Nothingburger!"
Now, that was good!
Thanks for the mid-day laugh!
That was brilliant, a perfect caricature of the basement-dweller who won’t ever leave his parent’s house.
Well done!