Somewhere in the top 10!!!
Early one morning, an elderly retired Navy pilot yelled to his wife, "Honey! Come see what I created! It's an abstract panorama depicting the six years of the Obama presidency!"
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."
Isn't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman is up to 20 years in jail...
but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is two more years in office.
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing....
I'm seeing bumper stickers that say, "RUN HILLARY RUN"
I've noticed that the Democrats put them on the rear bumper and Republicans put them on the front bumper.
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me, we got 'em all."
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
When you care enough to send the very best...
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
~ Rodney Dangerfield
A guy had a major argument with his wife. After storming away and cooling off, the guy reconsidered his position and realized he was clearly in the wrong. So to make it up to his wife he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," she replied, "you really don't have to do this, you know. But if you insist, just get me something really expensive that I don't need."
The following day he booked her for chemotherapy.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill".
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor". A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead".
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching". Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".