I know of a woman who, at age 16 or so, back in 1970, gave up her illegitimate baby for adoption. She had no way of knowing who the person is - until now.
Her sister gave a DNA sample to one of these companies and it showed the usual suspects as “similar” - but also a guy on the west coast nobody knew about.
Well, this woman did a search and found him on Facebook and he looks just like her other kids she had from her later marriage. And his birth date matches exactly the day she gave birth.
The question is, does she tell him who she is? It’s a mess.
If she can find him, he can find her. So that begs the question, does she want to be the one to tell him ... or does she want him to find out on his own?
I have an in-law that handled it this way. She contacted a local attorney in the city where her children were located. She authorized that attorney to provide her contact details if the children requested. She then had the attorney contact the children and inform them that he was in contact with their mother, that their mother was willing to reestablish contact if the children wanted to do so. No further information was provided.
The children were contacted, and it took a few months, but they eventually requested her information. After some back and fourth via letters, that led to a phone call and eventually to a visit.
“The question is, does she tell him who she is?”
I have to say, if he is an adult, he probably would like to know. I imagine that I would, if I was in that situation. Worst thing that could happen is he doesn’t want anything to do with her, which is basically where they are at right now.
If he’s still a minor then I would say let him grow up first, rather than potentially disturb his family situation.
>> does she tell him who she is?
We’ve had pretty good luck here.
1/ My mother had a half brother courtesy an affair my grandfather had in the late 1920s. Mom searched for him but never found him. After my DNA test I got an email from the grandson saying “It says we’re related and I have no idea why.” Great guy plus we also met a cousin who lives an hour from us and is a spitting image of my grandfather. We’re friendly with them all.
2/ My brother adopted two kids - we tracked down the family. He met his birth mother just before she died (She was 16 when he was born.) He now has three great siblings and their families.
>> does she tell him who she is?
We’ve had pretty good luck here.
1/ My mother had a half brother courtesy an affair my grandfather had in the late 1920s. Mom searched for him but never found him. After my DNA test I got an email from the grandson saying “It says we’re related and I have no idea why.” Great guy plus we also met a cousin who lives an hour from us and is a spitting image of my grandfather. We’re friendly with them all.
2/ My brother adopted two kids - we tracked down the family. He met his birth mother just before she died (She was 16 when he was born.) He now has three great siblings and their families.
Sometimes, mother and child are thrilled to meet. Sometimes one of them rejects the other (sometimes quite rudely). It's indeed a mess.
We have 2 friends, actually wives of friends, who discovered that they had other families they did not know about.
They took a chance and met the unknown relatives and their families. Things have worked out very well.
A professional business man, we know gave the major Ancestry DNA kits to a sister and a brother. He had bought a test about a year before.
Turned out that they had
3 different Fathers. Their mother was a true 1960’s love child. The Fathers didn’t know that they sired a child with this woman.
Now all of them get together on functions.
I know a person, adopted soon after her birth. The girl’s adopting parents wound up adopting two more children, both boys.
The adopting couple lived a very nice life in another town and all three adopted children grew up, all got college educations. Only one son wound up continuing to live in the same town where this family lived.
Ultimately, both mom and dad passed away but before dad died three or four years ago, the youngest son went on an online search to find his birth parents, each of the adopted “kids” having come from a different set of parents. The youngest son did locate his birth mom, who sadly had passed away a decade or more ago. This son encouraged his elder sister that she should research her parentage, if for no other reason than to know her familiar medical history for her children and grandchildren.
Again, this woman who helped her brother find his familial medical history, also found a DNA match for her! The match happened to come from the adopted woman’s birth sister, who never knew she even had a natural sister nor that her mom and dad had had another child!
The real sister wasn’t told about the fact that she had a natural sister, only the adopted woman who was researching her history and was given information but not the particulars other than there was a match.
The adopted daughter was given option of learning the names and other particular information regarding her adopted parents (as the birth parents as teens were “forced” to give their baby up, as this was in the late ‘40s, early ‘50s had secretly married while still underage.) They did let their parents know they had been married but their parents insisted the couple go through a “public wedding” and began living as husband and wife and had other children!
They believed their secret would never be known more than 4 decades later!
To bring this story up to now, the adopting researcher contacted the birth parents, indicating their birth child had been researching her medical family history and if they had any interest in finding out anything about her, the researcher could give her their information and arrange some sharing about one another in writing, with their secrecy kept secret first and foremost!
They did and she did and ultimately the adopted daughter met her mom and dad, their other four children and now all the extended families, including grandchildren, cousins etc. have met!
Suffice it to say, this story has opened up a marriage, baby kept secret for over 50 years and all are happily enjoying their unknown families but this would happen in all cases. When very young moms don’t know what to do and are encouraged/forced to give away babies at birth, they might be made less guilty of knowing those babies were raised in loving homes when they were prevented from provided one.