From the Pence-Harris Debate this week.
Google image search actively suppressed this meme (it was searchable Wednesday and not today but still online in the FR threads).
Seeing if Kamala goes viral this time.
U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they
came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,
and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable,
low life scum bag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy
is a fat, good-for-nothing, left wing liberal drunk who doesn’t know how to drive.
So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled
him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, “I want to go to Disneyland “
Barack said, “No problem, I’ll take you there on my Airforce One airplane.”
The second kid said, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans shoes.”
Barack said, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!”
The third kid said,
“ I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!”
Barack was a little perplexed by this and said,
“But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid said, “I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!”
It is winter time and the President looks outside and sees that someone
has urinated the words “Barack Sucks!” on the snow in front the of the White House.
He is furious so he gets the FBI to investigate it.
After a week, the head of the FBI comes in and says “we’ve analyzed the situation
and we have good news and bad news for you”
“Well, what’s the good news?” the President says.
We did a DNA analysis, and it’s from Vice President Biden.
“That’s terrible news!” he yells. “What is the bad news then?”
“We also did a handwriting analysis, and the handwriting belongs to Michelle”
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Flight Attendant
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Halifax with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde
flight attendant to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen,
mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in Toronto, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin,
“Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Halifax, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
And you answer: ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, And you’re barefoot!
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!
‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes ... just as long as you don’t have to go along.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car... in the parking lot.
‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.
Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch
with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says:
‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’
The bartender says:
‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’
As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says:
‘I would like to buy you a drink too.’
The old woman says:
Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming up’ says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
‘I would like to buy you one, too.’
The old woman says:
‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’
‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’
The old woman replies
‘Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’
A fish got sick.
He went to the dock to sea kelp.
A woman took a baby in to the doctor for an annual checkup, the doctor examined
the baby and remarked he appeared healthy and in good shape,
then he asked “is the baby breastfed?” The woman replied “yes”.
The doctor’s attention turned to the woman with concern and he asked her to
remove her blouse and bra. He examined her breasts squeezing, kneading,
and massaging all areas, he replied “your breasts are dry,
how could that baby be breast fed?” The woman replied
“oh, I’m the baby’s grandmother, but I sure am glad I brought him in today!”
Good stuff.
About once a year, I go to a Mariners baseball game. They suck, I know. But for me, it’s more about the event. I enjoy being in a ball park with the crowd, And with my team, we’ve all been waiting ‘til next year for over 20 years.
Tickets and so forth aren’t cheap. So I end up getting 300 level seats. Still, it’s about the day and I’m fine with that. Last year, for example, I got to the ball park early and watched BP. As the crowd filtered in, I thought I saw my old college room mate come in, down at the 100 field level. “Gosh, that looks like Steve. I haven’t seen him in 30 years. He’s done well for himself if he has a box seat down lowwwww”, I thought.
So I stood up and yelled “Hey Steve!”. There was no response from down low. Oh well. Game time. About the second inning, it was still bugging me that the guy was indeed Steve. So again, I yelled (more loudly this time) “HEY Steve!!!”. Again, no response and the people around me gave me dirty looks.
It was a pretty bad game (typical for my team) and some of the crowd was leaving early. As the crowd thinned out a little, I tried once more (full volume now) “HEY STEEEEEVE!!!: The guy I thought was Steve this time responded. He turned around and yelled back “I’m not Steve!!!!”
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding
toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
The ‘violator’ for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and
when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know
what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re
an asshole!”
Two months later they’re in court. The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a
lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,”
underlined.”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for asshole?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
Cell phone message
A group of women were at a seminar on
“How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.”
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
“I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday
and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid
that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free.
It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t
know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask,
“Why, what did you hear?”
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing
on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things
and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring.
Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,
makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Or my favorite.... When our ship comes in, We will be at the airport!!
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me
to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me
to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would
think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked
“What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb.
He said “You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.”
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her
“And where do you think you’re going?”
She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark!”
Blonde & the Milkman
JUST WHEN I THINK I’VE HEARD THE “BEST BLONDE JOKE” EVER, ALONG COMES ONE LIKE THIS…
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her
milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to
leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes.”
13 Reasons to Smile:
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting
next to you saying, “Wow, that was fun!”
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping” but now I just “chunky dunk.”
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn’t you know it. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year: “If you can read this, thank a teacher,
and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier.
“And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.
Please pass this along to anyone who needs a reason to smile.
It’s a dark night on guard duty and two soldiers meet.
“Gotta light?” Asks one.
The other replies “yeah, hold on a sec. Jeez, what a night. What sort of idiot is running this outfit anyway?”
He then finds his matches and ignites one.
In the glow of the match he sees the others’ three stars and quickly salutes.
“Oh, No! I didn’t mean that! I’m sorry, Sir!”
To which the General replies:
“Oh, don’t worry, Private. I know how you feel. Let’s just be glad I’m not a First Lieutenant!”
A duck walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer”.
The bartender says “Hey! where did you come from?”
The duck says “I’m working the construction site across the street”.
And the bartender says, “Well why are you working construction when you could
be making millions in the circus?”
And the duck said “What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?”
From the Pence-Harris Debate this week.
Google image search actively suppressed this meme (it was searchable Wednesday and not today but still online in the FR threads).
Seeing if Kamala goes viral this time.
Got 4 for y’all.
1. A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plain in Mississippi.
Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land.
Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good.
And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
2. A fellow in a bar is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.
He finds her sound asleep in the bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, “What did you put in my mouth?”
He says, “Two aspirin.”
She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE!”
He says, “That’s all I wanted to hear...”
3. Said one fisherman to the other,”I think there’s new species of crabs.
These ones itch a lot more than the ones I had last year.
4. Bumper-Stickers Seen On Military Bases.
“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
” U.S. Marines - Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
” U.S. Air Force - Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
“The Marine Corps - When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
“Marine Sniper - You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“Marines - Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775”
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills - U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”
“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”
“Machine Gunners - Accuracy By Volume”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy - Blessed Be The Peacemakers”