Posted on 07/06/2002 5:00:19 AM PDT by buccaneer81
A 'marriage strike' emerges as men decide not to risk loss
By Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson
Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."
However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.
"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.
"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."
Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."
It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.
While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.
Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.
Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.
Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.
As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.
He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.
He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.
"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."
Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.
There is an infection among females particularly American ones. The vast majority are not worth bothering with.
I want to tell them, "I don't come in to help you clean up your personal act... You clean up your own act first, then I will think about joining up because of the fact that your act is together."
She will either contribute things, on equal turf, or I will leave.
Most and YES MOST, females (of my age group) have a serious 'blame the other guy', no respect, backbiting, inconsiderate, self centered, hate all men, mentality.
There are two types of contribution:
first type... being nice and respectful. Being happy. Having fun. Being intimate. Communication. All of these things are free and do not cost 10 cents.
Second type... washing dishes, 'having a baby', or cleaning the house, or for guys 'working all day'...
The second often get put into the first tier.
Things I will not do:
be accused
fight
argue
date the girl, and all of her friends also
I will not be in an unequal relationship
I can list a few more, but you get the idea... I have never been married, doubt I will. I have not been impressed.
Ok, let's go through it again. It's not a hatred of women. It's being tired of their attitudes and actions - or are you saying that attitudes and actions cannot be changed?
So, where's the contradiction?
The only one oozing hatred and loathing is you. Grow up.
You seem rather full of yourself, deigning to define what a marriage is. By the laws of the country where we were married and the US states where both of us were from, we were most definitely married in every recognized legal way. The "invisible ink" I referred to in my post is the apparent treatment of marriage by most women these days as a paperwork drill or tax dodge.
What you got was what you both wanted so why blame her now for the lack of commitment you BOTH signed on for.
I don't recall "blaming" anyone for anything in my post, least of all my ex.
There are some wonderful treatments for reading comprehension problems now. You should consider them.
It's a shame, but it's a fact of life. I never thought it would happen to me and I was married twelve years. I would have to meet a truly exceptional woman to ever consider remarriage, and I still think I'd never expect it to last forever.
Happy Birthday President Bush!
Don't miss this one.
If you believe a robust discussion of a very real inequity within our legal system and the giving of examples is misogyny in action, you illustrate the very problem.
If you open your mind you'll hear that the posters wish for a fuller meeting ground for men and women than money provides.
Blind labelling won't bring you understanding.
Sounds to me like you already have.
Now 8 years later, she acts like the children are a bother but of course would never give them up because that would mean capitulating to me.
My life now with wife #2 is a wonder and very nice and easy and we have a 2 year old Tasmanian Devil and another in the oven. I'll be 50 when the next one enters grade school. Scary in a way. I'm very blessed now but God forbid should something happen to my current wife, I doubt seriously I would ever remarry. I have now almost 4 children and can't afford anymore hence, marriage beyond this current very satisfying one is holds little allure for me. Women will always hold an allure for me but marriage...no.
Ever dated a 'bad boy'? Ever liked a 'bad boy'?
Answer yes, I am am over an out. First date, second, or whenever, I am over and out. If she lies and waits until later to fess up, I will leave her for lying and for liking 'bad boys'.
Over the long term, that is much cheaper than losing all of your money and possessions to a money grubbing, scheming, untrustworthy woman.
And who knows, maybe Sony will invent a robot-woman that genuinely has the ability to love and that you can actually trust.
This may be a totally new invention, because the women I've seen just don't have the ability to love or to be trusted.
Maybe it's like the saying "All the good ones are taken," but maybe the truth is that there were not any good ones to begin with.
Anyway, I'm wishing the scientists and engineers at Sony the best of luck in their endeavours.
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