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Posted on 07/09/2003 10:45:03 AM PDT by GSWarrior
Within the enormous universe of bad commercials, there's a galaxy of awful sports spots -- lame products, awful "acting" performances by athletes, and just plain relentless, repetitive, uncreative badgering. Fortunately, most of us have forgotten lots of them (or buried the details deep in our collective subconscious), so think of the list below as a sampling of the worst sports commercials we can remember.
1. Bow Flex (forever)
Guys hate guys who look like this guy. Here's the thing: Are we really supposed to believe that the ripped guy and beautiful, muscular woman in the Bow Flex commercial really got that way with three 20-minute workouts a week? Yeah, right.
Here's the other thing: You can get us to lay out $10 or $20 for a Super '70s CD by running the same terrible mini-infomercial for years, but it's not going to work for a $1,000 purchase.
Also: Guys hate guys who look like that guy. And if we want to meet gals who look like the one in the commercial? We're at the gym, not working out at home, alone.
2. Phil Rizzuto and Jim Palmer for The Money Store (1970s-on)
Hall of Famers as predatory lenders. If you watched New York TV in the 1970s, you were bombarded with "Hi, this is Phil Rizzuto for The Money Store," and shortly after, Joe DiMaggio as Mr. Coffee. And instantly, you could tell who was at least trying to look classy.
3. Muhammad Ali for D-Con Roach Killer (1970s) Obviously, this was a time when Ali wasn't quite the beloved world icon he is today. Even back then, it was embarrasing to see the great boxer talking about roaches. Ugh.
4. Hai Karate (circa 1970)
Geeky guys in Karate whites ... "You're at the top-secret Hai Karate training school ... these men are learning how to defend themselves in case they get a Hai Karate gift set for Christmas." The guys shoot lame kicks at cardboard pop-up women. On it goes ... "There's a cram course in self defense in every package ... Hai Karate for Christmas. It's like super mistletoe in a bottle."
5. Baseball World's Defensive Drill Video (c. 1990s) You've seen the spot on ESPN hundreds of times ... It's a little creepy, isn't it -- all those kids moving in robotic unison? Sure doesn't make baseball look like much fun.
Anything less would be uncivilized!
6. Right Guard -- Charles Barkley -- 1990
Barkley's on a horse, dressed up in fancy, frilly riding clothes: "With Right Guard Sports Stick, one gets maximum protection. Well, off to the foxes. Right Guard Sports Stick. Anything less would be uncivilized."
7. Pete Rose for Aqua Velva (c. 1980)
One of the folks here remembers Rose actually singing part of the Aqua Velva jingle. I've forgotten, for which I'm grateful. Other Pete Rose commercial gigs: SMI Sontegra "Pete Rose Series" tanning beds, Grecian Formula and Encylopedia Britannica (no, really!).
8. Dan Marino for Isotoner gloves (c. 1990s)
As my friend Elliott Vanskike wrote at SportsJones.com a few years back, "'Hey, I'm a multi-millionaire and this is what I'm getting my friends the wide receivers this holiday season -- imitation leather, imitation European style, imitation comfortable Isotoner gloves! Only $9.99 at Wal-Mart and other fine men's clothing stores.' I hope you threw in a fruitcake, too, Danno."
9. ESPN.com -- Ol' Fishing Hole -- 2002
The ESPN.com Players Present ... "Ol' Fishing Hole." "I know a place where sports aren't so serious. Page 2 at ESPN.com."
Audible groan.
"Waiting for Guffman" set the standard for the portrayal of amateur productions, and the heavy-handed approach just isn't funny.
10. Willie Mays for Coke (1967)
Mays makes a great catch, turns and makes a great throw. He sits down in front of his locker. "Gee, this coke is real good, man."
Reporter (off camera): "Willie, didja ever think you'd make that catch?"
Willie: "Well, to tell you the truth, you know, when the guy hit the ball, I didn't think I had a chance to catch that ball, you know, but I just kept running and running and all of the sudden I looked over my right shoulder and I looked over my left shoulder and there was the ball.
As seen on TV -- over, and over, and over ... You know, to tell you the truth, the most important thing to me was, the throw."
Then the Coke jingle ...
11. Hit-A-Way (c. 2000)
"It pitches to you again ... and again."
As does the company that makes the gadget. Doesn't the faux father standing back there going "Atta boy" ever get a little tired?
12. John Madden for Tinactin
1994-present
Every time the big guy talks about foot fungus, we cringe a little. It's not the ambience -- the pro sports locker room, the control room, or the broadcast booth -- it's the cheesy graphics.
"Boom! Tough actin' Tinactin."
The flames flying out from between someone's toes. The fake telestrator diagrams, obviously too neat to be drawn by Madden himself. And there's a bizarre mixed metaphor in there. There's fire, and then there's "Boom! Tough actin' Tinactin." Boom? We don't want to put out the fire with a bomb, we want to do it in a much gentler, cooler way.
13. Just For Feet - Kenya Mission -- 1999
This Super Bowl spot was supposed to be a big breakthrough for Just for Feet, but it backfired. The $7 million ad depicts a pseudo-military man (think tough-guy goggles, Humvee), who finds a footprint in the sand. "It's a match!" he shouts out, and off he goes in chase of a lone Kenyan runner crossing an African plain (the "icons" -- desert, savannah grass, and a lion laying down placidly in the midday sun).
The runner's barefoot. The Hummer chases him full throttle, as they hurriedly rush to prepare some kind of potion in a paper cup. Cut to: One of the Humvee guys, clad in all black (except for his running shoes) stands in the middle of a desert, holding out the paper cup for the man, who grabs it and gulps it down.
Cut to: The Runner stumbling and collapsing. His bare feet nearly fill the frame. The four Just For Feet hoodlums look down at him. Cut to: The runner wakes up. He's sees the fancy, expensive running shoes on his feet. He screams, "Nooooooo!" Final scene: He's running again, just happens to be passing by an elephant (the guy's running in a nature preserve?), and he's trying to get the shoes off his feet, but can't.
The ad made a splash, but of the kind the company didn't want. People called it racist, and suggested that the company should now be called, "Just for Racists."
14. Kobe Bryant for Sprite (2003)
Kobe works hard. He wants to stay on top. He wants to prove everyone who booed him wrong. In one spot, he's the champ who has to go out and do it all over again. In another, he's an underdog. Kobe, underdog? Please. And the hard work? C'mon -- millions of people work a lot harder than you do, for less money than you make in a day.
15. 10-10-220 - Ballet (2002)
Hulk Hogan and Terry Bradshaw in a ballet studio, Hulk telling Bradshaw, "Don't act like a swan, be a swan." Naturally these middle-aged guys strike up a conversation about long-distance calling with two pretty young women stretching on the barre. Gee, we're intrigued.
Also receiving votes:
The Karl Malone hair replacment ad.
Doug Flutie for English Leather cologne
80's N.Y. Rangers for Sasoon jeans
Johnny Bench for Krylon paint. No runs no drips, no errors.
Any NFL United Way Spot. Keith Van Horn, "Cat in the Hat" ...
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