If ASOIAF had been written by another author
http://www.iccupples.demon.co.uk/pics/parody.html This is a new one, it gets good toward the end:
A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE - RELOADED:
by denstorebog
(probably not worth reading if you haven't seen both Matrix movies)
SCENE 1:
JON stands in a hall outside a great wooden door with SANSA, who is
wearing pink sunglasses.
Sansa: "This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He
knows more than you can imagine."
She opens the door and motions for Jon to enter. Inside, he finds a
stylishly decorated, but sparsely furnished room. A table and two
small throne-like chairs stand in the middle. A man is waiting in the
other end of the room, staring out a window. Lightning flashes
outside. The man turns. He is wearing suit, tie and sunglasses, and
his face betrays no emotions.
Man: "At last. Welcome, Jon. As you no doubt have guessed, I am
Littlefinger. Please come. Sit. I imagine that right now, you're
feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole?"
Jon: "Who?"
Littlefinger: "Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because
you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it.
That there's something wrong with the world. It is this feeling that
has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?"
Jon: "The Great Other?"
Littlefinger: "The Great Other is everywhere. You can see it when you
look out your window or when you go horseback riding. You can feel it
when you range beyond the Wall, when you practice archery, when you
pet your direwolf. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Great
Other is. You'll have to see it for yourself."
Littefinger takes two lemon cakes from his pocket.
Littlefinger: "You take the yellow lemoncake, the story ends; you stay
on the Wall. You take the orange lemon cake, and I'll show you how
deep the rabbit hole goes."
SCENE 2:
Jon has chosen to see the truth, and is shocked to find out that the
war against the Others was in fact lost centuries ago after which all
of Westeros was put into an eternal dream known as the Great Other. He
is now taken through the training process that will prepare him for
the coming struggle.
Jon and Littlefinger walk through King's Landing with a crowd of
people milling about.
Littlefinger: "The Great Other is a system, Jon. That system is our
enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see?
Bakers, whores, wildlings, Kingsguards. The very minds of the people
we are trying to save... "
Jon sees Ygritte walk by. She flashes him a crooked smile.
Littlefinger: "Were you listening to me, Jon, or were you looking at
the wildling in the red furs?"
Jon: "Why, uh..."
Littlefinger: "Look again. Freeze it."
Everyone around them freezes. Jon is shocked to see that Ygritte has
turned into a pale-skinned warrior with blue eyes.
Littlefinger: "This is an Other. Sentient undead. They can duplicate
themselves into the enemies they've slain upon which they will rise
again. They are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or
later, someone is going to have to fight them."
The scenery changes, and the two men stand in front of the open Moon
Door.
Littlefinger: "You have to let it all go, Jon: fear, doubt, and
disbelief. Free your mind."
Littlefinger leaps from the Moon Door. He disappears upwards.
Jon: "Whoa. Okie-dokie. Free my mind."
Jon leaps from the Moon Door. He disappears downwards.
Jon: "YAAAAAaaaaa ... aaa...."
SCENE 3:
Jon has undergone extensive training. He has learned how to dodge
arrows, and he's been told that he is the prophecized one - his is the
Song of Ice and Fire. Littlefinger believes he will save them all from
the Others. However, he is plagued by a recurring dream in which he
sees Sansa fleeing from Lysa, but the dream always ends the same: Lysa
pushes Sansa through the Moon Door, then jumps after her with a
crossbow in each hand and kills her in mid-air.
Jon meets with Maester Aemon who, although blind, is very wise and can
hopefully shed some light on his purpose. He finds Aemon sitting on a
bench, feeding birds.
Aemon: "So, let's get the obvious stuff out of the way."
Jon: "You're a Targaryen, aren't you?"
Aemon: "Well, it's tough to get any more obvious than that."
Jon: "I suppose the most obvious question is, how can I trust you?"
Aemon: "Bingo! It's a pickle, no doubt about it..."
Jon: "A pickle?"
Aemon: "Look, see those birds? At some point a program was written to
govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees, and the
wind, the sunrise, and sunset. I was programmed to be king, but I
chose exile instead."
Jon: "What must I do?"
Aemon: "You must reach The Source Material, the place where you will
find all the answers."
That's all the information he gets before Aemon has to leave. Then
DONAL NOYE shows up.
Jon: "The Smith."
The Smith approaches menacingly.
The Smith: "Surprised to see me, Mr. Stark?"
Jon: "My name.. is Snow!"
They duke it out, and Jon uses his newfound abilities to kick ass.
SCENE 4:
In the end, Jon reaches the Source Material through a door of white
light. Inside he finds a small, round room where the walls are adorned
with book covers. All the covers show different versions of himself.
Some depict Jon with a goatee, others as a silver-haired young man
with purple eyes atop a black dragon.
A white-haired, bearded man sits in a chair in the middle of the room.
Jon: "Who are you?"
George Martin: "I am the Author. I created the Great Other. I've been
waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has
altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human.
Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you
may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant."
Jon: "Who are my parents?"
George Martin: "Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced
equation inherent to the writing of the Song of Ice and Fire. You are
the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I
have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of
literary precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it
is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control."
Jon: "You didn't answer my question."
George Martin: "Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the
others."
Jon: "The Others?"
George Martin: "No, the others."
Jon: "What others?"
George Martin: "The Song of Ice and Fire is older than you know. I
prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the
emergence of the next, in which case this is the 18th version."
The book covers on the wall come to life. The multiple versions of Jon
start talking.
Jon #5: "So Littlefinger was behind it all! He has been manipulating
us all along!"
Jon #3: "So Melisandre was behind it all! She serves the Others!"
Jon #4: "So Varys was behind it all! He is actually a dark sorceror!"
Jon #6: "So Hodor was behind it all! He is a Demon Ape from the lost
lands of Zarranthur!"
George Martin: "You see my predicament."
Jon: "The problem is choice."
George Martin: "The first Song of Ice and Fire I wrote was quite
naturally perfect. It was a work of art - flawless, sublime. A triumph
equalled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom
is apparent to me now as a consequence of the inclusion of an orphan
farm boy with a secret heritage and undiscovered magical powers. Thus,
I rewrote it based on current standards to more accurately reflect the
varying grotesqueries of fantasy literature. However, I was again
frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer
eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less
bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus the answer was stumbled
upon by another - an intuitive program, initially created to
investigate the boundaries of the human patience. If I am the father
of the matrix, he would undoubtedly be its stepfather.
Jon: "Robert Jordan."
George Martin: "Please. As I was saying, he stumbled upon a solution
whereby nearly 99% of all test subjects accepted a horrible story, as
long as they were given a sequel. While this answer functioned, it was
obviously fundamentally flawed in its dependancy on an infinite amount
of sequels, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic
anomaly."
Jon: "This is about the ASOIAF Message Board."
George Martin: "The Message Board was designed by me to keep the fan
base under control. You are here because the ASOIAF Message Board is
about to be destroyed - its every living inhabitant terminated, its
entire existence eradicated. Thus, the entire base of speculation on
the identities of your parents is reset, and we can start all over
again without ever having to resolve the issue. Therefore, A Feast For
Crows will never be released. It won't have to."
Jon: "Bullsh--!"
Once again, the book covers come to life.
Jon #2: "Bullsh--! Rhaegar can't be my father!"
Jon #5: "Bullsh--! Robert can't be my father!"
Jon #3: "Bullsh--! Ygritte can't be my father!"
Jon #4: "Bullsh--! Eddard Stark can't be my father!"
George Martin: "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses,
but rest assured, this will be the 18th time we have destroyed the
message board, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it. The
seventeen previous versions of the Message Board also believed that A
Feast For Crows was due for imminent release.
The function of the Hero Figure is now to return to the Source
Material, allowing a temporary dissemination of the plot, reinserting
new hints, plot twists and red herrings into a revised edition of the
story. After which, the new version of the story will published and
introduced to 23 individuals - 16 female, 7 male - who will rebuild
the Message Board and restart speculation on the identities of your
parents.
Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic
system crash, killing everyone involved in the writing and editing of
this series, which, coupled with the extermination of the Source
Material, will ultimately destroy the entire fantasy genre."
Jon: "You won't let it happen. You can't. You need readers to
survive."
George Martin: "There are levels of survival I am prepared to accept.
However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept
the responsibility of the extinction of fantasy."
I haven't bought a comic in 10 years, but I found a copy of issue 1 at my local comic shop. Fantastic art and color. I'll have to get all six of these....
Yeah, the game is a little pricey, but pretty lavish, too. And speaking of gaming, anyone in Austin/ Central Texas that wants to get together for boardgaming/ wargmaming/ miniatures/ cardgaming may wish to FReepmail me and we can try to arrange a weekend when we can all get together...
Thanks, John.
The rate Martin is writing, I hope he can finish the series in our lifetimes.
John, I noticed the last time I was at Amazon, they had a release date on Feast for Crows of July, I think. Is this at all likely to be real?
Thanks - by the way, just read the chapter. Arya! One of my favorite characters. Much more fun than Sansa, less drippy than Catelyn was... she and Jon are my favorite still living characters. I think this book should be good for both of them - they've got exciting developments.
Any chance Danaerys is going to die, horribly and permanently, in the first chapter?
I need Martin to publish before I start graduate school and have no money for hardcovers!
Danaerys is dreadful. I skip her chapters on rereads. She just annoys me. She's the least real of Martin's POV characters, IMHO. I also skip most of Tyrion's because I hate the sex scenes. Makes me feel like I need a shower.
It's too bad: Song of Ice and Fire is probably the best fantasy series in the last fifteen years. But I can't give it to my 16 year old sister to read. Oh well; his books, his choice. But... wish we could have good fantasy without bad sex...
I took a black marker to those scenes and then handed the books to my younger brother. :-)
I have this problem with defacing books... but I might consider that, if she'd only get through the last series I handed her (Otherland, by Tad Williams)