Oh, that was too funny. Be Seeing You,
Chris
Posted on 11/15/2003 4:03:26 PM PST by Pokey78
With President Bush about to arrive in Britain, members of his large entourage have been given briefings to guide them through the diplomatic minefield of British politics and the Court of St James's. This newspaper has been leaked the following document.
From: State Dept, Washington DC
Distribution: White House security detail
Subject: British visit
We are anticipating trouble in London, and not just from civilian bystanders. Certain elements in the circles of power near Prime Minister Blair and Monarch Elizabeth II are considered high-security risks. (NB That's Elizabeth the Second, not Eleventh.) On the basis of information received from British security and local assets, Status Alpha risk applies to the following:
• Individual known as "John Prescott" - liable to violence and incomprehensible outbursts. If you encounter difficulties, summon the emergency translator unit and keep up your left guard.
• Charles Kennedy - thirsty gingernut. We need to steer this wobbly-wheel well away from our teetotal President around lunch hour in case he suggests an inappropriate beverage.
• HRH Prince Andrew. To be kept out of goosing distance of Condoleezza Rice, please.
• Caplin, Carole - wild-eyed fashion crazy, suspected of being in the grip of alien forces. Agents are instructed not to listen to her blandishments and flattery, eg lines such as "I can tell you're an Aries, ram boy".
Food tasters
The President would be grateful if, when foodtasting on his behalf at the Buckingham Palace banquet, personnel did not wrinkle noses, issue a low whistle and ask for catsup.
Language
If you hear Mrs Camilla Parker Bowles slip out of the palace reception early, saying she is "Just heading out for a quick fag", contrary to what you may have read in certain newspapers, this is not a cause for alarm. In Britain this is street talk for a menthol lite.
Similarly, when asked "Have you got the time?" by a footman or butler at any of the Royal palaces, the correct response is to say "Sorry, my friend, but I'm on active duty". If he persists, then: try "Hell, guy, I'm from Texas!"
The Mall is a road next to Buckingham Palace, not the local shopping/multiplex/Krispy Kreme venue.
"Corgis" are affectionate but short-sighted creatures. If one tries to mate with your left ankle, please desist from hoofing it across the room. Instead, try to engage one of the Ladies-in-Waiting in a conversation about the inclement weather for this time of year.
"Peat" is the surname of a senior Palace courtier, not the informal mode of address for Mr Mandelson - whose presence at any private meeting between the President and Mr Blair we are instructed to deny, utterly.
The Princess Royal is in fact not called Royal, but Anne. Or to you, "Sir".
Miscellaneous notes
Special "non-bowing" dispensation has been granted to all bodyguards, because we don't want handguns falling out on to the floor. Although you need not bow, scrape or curtsy to members of the Royal Family, 10 Downing Street has requested that you still observe certain formalities (eg clicked heels or juddering salutes) in the presence of Mrs Blair and her mom.
Gratuities
If approached, please do not give money to Prince and Princess Michael of Kent. They get three good meals a day and must not be encouraged.
What? You only need one per day?
Oh, that was too funny. Be Seeing You,
Chris
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