Posted on 11/20/2003 7:45:14 AM PST by twas
They live in our world, but they are careful.
They watch what they say - and what they do.
They check to see if they're among friends. They change with their surroundings.
It is not that big a deal, they say. It's just what you do when you're a gay teenager in Buffalo.
Their names are Jonathan, Mark and Justin.
Jonathan, 18, is the most stereotypically gay, a Hispanic-American kid who walks, as he puts it, "with a swish." Most of his family, and many of the kids at his high school, know that he's gay.
Mark, 18, is a freshman at UB, a thoughtful, bisexual African-American who grew up in Buffalo and lives in Amherst. Many of his friends know he's gay; he came "out" to his homophobic mother a couple of years ago.
Justin is 16, African-American, a soft-voiced high school jock whose father is a Baptist minister. Only a few friends know he's gay.
They are only completely themselves, unguarded and open, when they are among friends. Or here, in this room in the basement of the downtown YWCA.
It is part clubhouse, part rec room, all refuge. Twenty years ago this week, Gay and Lesbian Youth Services was born. Countless Jonathans and Justins have since come through these doors.
"I can give up the front," said Justin, of what this place means. "I don't have to watch what I say here."
I stopped by Monday to mark the anniversary. I came away with a slice of three lives.
They struck me as well-adjusted and comfortable with their sexual selves; not a tormented soul among them. Even so, each navigates a societal minefield. To many people, their sexuality is their total identity - instead of what should be an inconsequential (to anyone else) piece of them.
Jonathan, who lived on the East Side until recently, remembers the time a gay neighbor and his boyfriend paid the price.
"This car full of guys drove by, they lived (nearby) and knew him," said Jonathan. "They saw them in front of the house, stopped the car, got out and just started beating them up."
If you're gay, you learn to be careful.
"When I'm around straight guys, I'll go into my stealth mode and just be "one of the guys,' " said Mark. "I'll monitor what they say, to get a sense of what their attitudes are."
Every gay teen balances the weight of a secret against the possible consequence of telling it.
"You always think, "How will this person or that person take it?' " said Jonathan. "Will they not talk to me anymore?"
Jonathan remembers a friend, a big kid in one of his classes, saying he would never touch or even talk to anyone gay - and he would beat up any gay who touched him. When word got around that Jonathan was gay, Jonathan asked the kid if he should be afraid of him.
"He said, "No, you're different. You're my friend.' "
Mark and Justin said the black community is especially hard on gays, partly because of the strong religious beliefs held by many.
"In the black community, there's a strong sense of family, and everybody knows everybody," said Mark. "If you're doing something outside of the norm, people will know about it. If you're not the straight, macho black guy with raging testosterone, you're ostracized and maybe disowned by your own community."
He said the roots of the rejection are cultural as well as religious.
"Blacks feel that so much has been taken from them throughout history, with slavery and everything," said Mark. "The only remaining sense of dignity they have is their manhood and ability to produce further generations. When a black guy comes out as gay, he'll often be persecuted."
Mark dealt with a more direct prejudice - from his homophobic mother.
The way he came out to her should be in the Gay Teen textbook.
"I told her, "It's my decision to be with who I want to be with,' " he said. " "I love you as my mother, and I expect you to love me as your son. As long as I succeed in life and make you and my father proud, that's all you need to be concerned with, that you raised me right.' "
Amen.
If there's nothing wrong with being gay, what's the big deal with telling your mother?
Wife has multiple friends that are gay. As far as I know, only one has come out to his parents. Yet, it's OK to be gay. No problems. No stigma. If someone has an issue with homosexuality, it's their problem, not yours. /sarcasm
The liberal mindset never ceases to amaze me.
ENNNNHHH! WRONG! The Black community is tough on gays because of the hyper-machismo many Black men are expected to have.
"When I'm around straight guys, I'll go into my stealth mode and just be "one of the guys,' " said Mark.
Am I the only one who sees a blatant contradiction between these two statements?
If his homosexual neurosis isn't a deep part of him, then why isn't he always "one of the guys"?
The more they say, the more we see what they are really all about, even when they're trying to hide it..
Shalom.
Everybody, now!
It's fun to be at the Y M C A.
It's fun to be at the Y M C A.
Shalom.
Exactly right. Church people in the Black community are far more accepting of gay people than the gangsta types and their admirers are. (And gays are far less dangerous to decent people in the community than the vastly more numerous gangsta types and their admirers are.)
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