******THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILI CONTEST******

eMail | an inexperienced Chili taster

[FlyLow]

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

~~~~~~~ Here are the scorecards from the event:~~~~~~~

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3-- I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of

lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[B4Ranch]

Many fools who have gobbled down habeneros, either mistakenly or foolishly promoting their own ignorance would gladly change places with you. They only dreamed that someday their sides would hurt again. I've seen a few who were burning at both ends and had no idea that half a teaspoon of salt would cure the tongue pain but only morphine would fixes the other end.

[Madcelt]

but only morphine would fixes the other end.

You did not go there....you did. Bbbbwwwwaaaa hhhaaa haaa!

[Treebeard]

So, have you grown any of the chocolate habs or the "white bullets"? I see them online, but haven't ordered seeds yet.

I grew some orange ones from seed indoors, and they weren't as hot as I remember, so I guess the plant needs to be stressed. I eat them right off the bush, and sometimes feed them to hapless visitors who think they can't be all that hot.

Any tips on making them hotter would be appreciated. I think I'm going to try the chocolate habs next spring.

[glock rocks]

I deep water them weekly during the summer... wait until the leaves are almost wilted before watering (or harvesting some of the ripe ones), then let them cook again. I've had good luck with the orange ones getting quite hot.... but haven't tried the other varieties you mentioned.

[Treebeard]

Another minor lesson: one might want to wear gloves when slicing these things. I made some salsa from one of them a few years ago, and enjoyed a great dinner.

A few hours later, I was on the couch, when Stupid the Cat came up for petting. He happened to lick the end of one of my fingers and within ten seconds, there was this howling streak of gray running thru the house.

The fun didn't end there, though. Later, the cat was doing his routine maintenance and washed a delicate area with his aforementioned peppered tongue...

[Treebeard]

I can eat the orange ones right off the plant, with not too many problems. They induce a bit of drooling, though, which can be distracting.

[tx_eggman]

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome

I hate to rain on your parade, but the Dome parking lot (now Reliant Stadium parking lot) is filled with the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo BBQ Cookoff. The chili cookoff would be in Terlingua.

My good friend, SpinnerWebb, is a member of the most decorated team in cookoff history - for a team that's never won anything for their BBQ ... check out their site

http://www.geocities.com/devil_river_mountain_men/

[FlyLow]

BUT...you did laugh until tears ran down your face, RIGHT?

[skinkinthegrass]

SALSA: Another minor lesson: one might want to wear gloves when slicing these things. I made some salsa from one of them a few years ago, and enjoyed a great dinner. A few hours later, I was on the couch, when Stupid the Cat came up for petting. He happened to lick the end of one of my fingers and within ten seconds, there was this howling streak of gray running thru the house. The fun didn't end there, though. Later, the cat was doing his routine maintenance and washed a delicate area with his aforementioned peppered tongue...

Very funny...I was looking for Chili recipes, came across this. :))