The Case for Staying Home - More Women Are Sticking With the Kids

Time (via AOL news) ^ | 3/16/04 | Claudia Wallis

[CharlieOK1]

That's what Ruth Marlin, 40, of New York City found even at the family-friendly International Planned Parenthood Federation. After giving birth to her second child, 15 months ago, she was allowed to ease back in part time. But Marlin, an attorney and a senior development officer, was turned down when she asked to make the part-time arrangement permanent. "With the job market contracted so much, the opportunities just aren't there anymore," says Marlin, who hates to see her $100,000 law education go to waste. "Back in the dotcom days, people just wanted employees to stay. There was more flexibility. Who knows? Maybe the market will change."

Yes, good ol Planned Parenthood is so family-friendly. That statement would be funny if not so sad. Oh, and I find myself having trouble sympathizing with Mz. Marlin's plight.

[firerosemom]

...the family-friendly International Planned Parenthood Federation

family friendly?

Planned Parenthood?

wonder if those aborted fetuses would rather have remained alive - how about expanding Planned Parenthood's "family-friendliness" to include a serious, committed effort to find them adoptive families, thus allowing them their first breath of air...

[rocky88]

Three boys!!! God bless you!

You're lucky to have that part time arrangement. I tried to talk to my boss about part-time or job sharing, but he (nor HR) would even hear of it. "We don't do that sort of thing here" is what I got a lot of. In the end, I'm glad that particular company is in my past - they lost an asset, as far as I'm concerned. BTW, my two bosses were in their late thirties, married with no kids. Surprise, huh?

I think eventually I will do something part time so that like you, we can have a family vacation once in a while.

Someone made a comment about the lies of feminists on this thread, and I want to relay that I have a sweet friend who is a feminist, oddly enough. But her view is much different than the feminazis and also one that I share: Feminism is about women having more choices in life - the choice to work or stay home, the choice to marry or not marry... it's not about being "unfulfilled" if you don't have a smashing career or "sex-in-the-city" lifestyle.

So, if she calls herself a feminist with that attitude, I'll take it! I wish there were more feminists like my friend! Society would be much healthier.

[elk]

Stay-at-home-mom bump!

I know women who struggle with the issue of whether to come home, particularly my Gen-X co-horts who have had kids but have huge grad/law school loans. More often than not, the honest ones will say they wished they'd never attended law school, because the loans are keeping them in the workplace while the kids are in daycare.

I try to temper my OUTRAGEOUS EXHUBERANCE at being home with my four kids, and no, I am NOT wasting my law degree, thank you very much. Yes, the work is much harder at home (it's quite busy, harder to find time to work out, fewer coffee breaks...), however, it's a job I embrace.

Mind you, it took several years to get the finances in order to make it happen, so I point no fingers, but I refuse to apologize that I strongly think we have made the right decision to bring mom home full time. And, another thing, there's a nasty assumption that you have to have a lot of kids to justify being home. I tell those mom's with "just one" that that "just one" kid deserves you being at home, if you in any way work it out.

[pettifogger]

Amen, amen, amen.

My colleagues from a top 10 law firm called me nuts to stay home to "change diapers and waste your education." My kids are far better off with me at home than with any possible alternative. Married a man who supported me every step of the way and we are fortunate beyond belief.

I now do a little consulting on the side with an organization of formerly working Moms who realize the importance of just being there.

So, we had to move, drive a 1994 Jeep with nearly 200K miles and wear clothes from the consignment store. Couldn't be happier.

[olivia3boys]

Well, they weren't thrilled when I wanted to reduce my hours from 40 to 20, but agreed because I announced I'd quit otherwise, they had a hiring freeze at the time, and I was already trained and could do the job well. So they reluctantly agreed.

Unfortunately I think it's a little easier to go from F/T down to P/T when you already have a job, rather than just finding a decent-paying P/T work from scratch.

Yeah, I'd say your employer lost an asset too! I don't know what employers are so scared of. I do practically as much work as I did when I was F/T as I'm more efficient and motivated now.

[elisabeth]

I think there is a logical reason why some women are having children later, and that is that children are much more expensive than they used to be! College tuition has been increasing for some time at a rate greater than inflation. And public schools have become so terrible that parents must either shell out $500,000 (+$12,000 a year in property taxes) to live in an area with good public schools OR pay big bucks for private school.

I would love to have children (am approaching age 30), but until my husband and I know we are in a financial situation where we can 1) afford for me to stay home and take care of them and 2) afford a good education for them, it's looking bleak. It's kind of depressing :(

[Temple Drake]

taking off a "year. maybe two" scarcely qualifies as "staying home" ...

[JTG]

Would be fine, if people were willing to adopt crack babies and minority babies.

Sadly, some people are not willing to.

[workerbee]

You can only feel sidelined if you don't value what you do. You have to say with confidence that you are a stay at home mom. Or tell them you are a life investor or something. Say it with pride and not like it's some dirty little secret.

You said it.

[freedumb2003]

In the highest household-income bracket ($120,000 and up), Reach Advisors found that 51% of Gen X moms were home full time, compared with 33% of boomer moms.

I now have to go through all the Boomer vs. GenX threads where I called the Xers whiners and apologize! (not really, their responses were too whiny ;) )

But this is a laudable perspective -- not only does it do right by the children, which is the highest priority, but it p*sses off the Feminazis -- worth the price of admission!

Way to go o3b and your sistren!

[keats5]

"and you say, 'I'm a stay-at-home mom.' It's conference-buzz kill."

From my experience, this just doesn't happen much anymore. Ten years ago I felt some folks distancing themselves when I said I stayed home with the kids. Lately, I've found more people who want to talk about the whole decision making process, so much so that saying "I'm at home" seems to open up conversation.

[Trillian]

I'm a stay at home mom and love it! I take care of my kids, do chores, cook, clean, etc. and also homeschool. It's a full time job. I see a lot of moms who work, just to put their kids in daycare. That makes no sense at all to me! Kids need to be raised my their mom and dad, not daycare and school! All my friends ask me for advice on how to save money because I do so well at it.

I've been frugal for as long as I can remember and save our family many thousands of dollars a year. We don't have to go without anything really. In addition to watching sales, stockpiling, coupons, rebates etc.. I make most of our food from scratch.
One of our big money savers is hunting and processing our own meats. We are big venison fans. It is so lean, compared to ground beef and so much tastier. When I cook ground venison, i don't even have to drain fat off of it because none comes out.
I also enter a lot of online/offline sweepstakes as a hobby. I win all of our entertainment (movies, DVDs, trips, etc) and gifts/toys for the family that way. Winning cash also helps pay the bills. I also do a lot of surveys and focus groups and make several hundred a month so that helps out a lot as well. I also don't have to pay for any magazine subscriptions as I get them all for free.
My husband loves every minute of it and is so proud. He goes to school and works full time so he really appreciates all of the extras since we are on a tight budget.

[dd5339]

Ping for my wonderful stay-at-home wife!

Semper Fi

[tbird5]

"I would love to have children (am approaching age 30), but until my husband and I know we are in a financial situation where we can 1) afford for me to stay home and take care of them and 2) afford a good education for them, it's looking bleak. It's kind of depressing :( "

There is and never has been a great time to have children. We had 1000 dollars when we got married and had 5 children within 8 years of marriage. The interest rate at that time was 14% and competition was tough for all baby boomers coming out of college. I could not leave my children with anyone. They only have 1 mother to love them. It's surprising how you find money when you love your children.

[mlmr]

I was at home for 13 years with my little ones until life changed. They were the best years of my life.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Happy Husband to a stay-at-home Mom here!

Bless you.

[ShadowDancer]

I would love to have children (am approaching age 30), but until my husband and I know we are in a financial situation where we can 1) afford for me to stay home and take care of them and 2) afford a good education for them, it's looking bleak.

If you're waiting for that time to come, you may as well just decide to not have children and move on with your lives. You're not going to get there financially. When you do it's probably going to be too late. If you really want children, you'll find the money as you need it for them. I swear to God, you will. You'll pay for it in many other material ways but you'll feed them, clothe them, and get them the education they deserve no matter what you're making. I know it sounds Pollyanna-ish but I'm living proof of it. If you really want them, don't wait for the right amount of money. They don't care about that anyway.

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

Would be fine, if people were willing to adopt crack babies and minority babies. Sadly, some people are not willing to.

And happily a lot of people are. Three year waiting lists for a baby, any baby, in most places.

[protest1]

Just have the children NOW! worry about all the other stuff later it is not that important. If you take an active interest in the childrens education they will do fine whatever school they are at.

Or you could wait till the finances are near perfect and remain childless or need fertility treatment to conceive.