What a Nice Man

The Weekly Standard ^ | March 29, 2004 | Larry Miller

[RWR8189]

What to make of the death of Sheikh Ahmed Yassin, Hamas's beloved spiritual leader

OKAY, I give up. What, exactly, is a "spiritual leader"?

I'm curious, because, as any American who reads newspapers or watches TV knows, that's what Sheikh Yassin was: A spiritual leader. I never met the man, but I sure wish I had, because, after all, one can never have too many scholarly, elevated, Godly, spiritual leaders in one's life, can one?

I know his successor, Rantisi, is a good man, too, because the same publications and networks describe him as a pediatrician. You know, a children's doctor. Quick: Your child is sick, and you have a choice between leaving him in a room with Rantisi, or any doctor in Hadassah Hospital in Jerusalem. That's a tough one, huh? Take your time. Ooh, come one, the clock's running . . . Just pick one . . . Guess . . . ? Oh, darn the luck! Couldn't make up your mind, eh?

Yeah, I know, I sprang that one on you so fast, but, you see, the right answer was the Jewish doctor in Israel, because he would've cured your child, whereas Rantisi would have sent him back to you looking a little bulky because of the 18 pounds of dynamite strapped to his chest.

Speaking of which, did you see the pictures of the latest kid these noble freedom-fighters sent to blow himself up? I don't have any sweet feelings for the "volunteers" on these missions, but this one didn't look, you know, all there, and I think it was particularly rotten of them to pick him for the martyr speech. And how about that shot of the Israelis bending down to talk to him after he surrendered? I could just hear the soldier saying, "Okay, first of all, you don't want virgins. But never mind that now . . ."

(Must be quite a board of directors they have there. Spiritual leaders, doctors . . . I wonder who else is on that letterhead? Probably students, don't you think? That's one we've heard a lot for a while. Yeah, and writers, too. Professors, pre-K teachers, business leaders. And I'll bet you a dollar they have plenty of my favorite job title of the last twenty years: "community activist." Givers. Helpers.)

And the parade of hypocrisy tunes up its instruments, and marches again with banners waving. Israel-evil, Sharon-butcher, how could you kill such a fine, old man? For the record, this fine, old man founded Hamas, insisted then and now that all Israel must be driven into the sea, that the best way to do this was to kill the Jews, kill the Jews, kill the Jews, look for the baby carriages, that hurts them most, the Jews love life, we love martyrdom. Well, you've got to hand it to the man, when he's right, he's right. The Jews do love life more than he did, and the shattered supermarkets and discos and pizza parlors hurt them most.

In World War Two, the United States tracked and targeted Admiral Yamamoto, and sent a plane to kill him, and there wasn't one freedom-lover in the world who didn't cheer when we did, and Yamamoto was a bad customer, but he didn't do a zillionth the evil Yassin did.

When Hitler's remains were found, every allied soldier winced with regret because he hadn't had the chance to, in General Patton's words, "personally shoot that paper-hanging son-of-a-bitch." But the United Nations, once the hope of a tired, bleeding planet in 1948, votes in its Security Council to condemn Israel, again, and the worst places in the world, run by the worst people in the world, say yes, again, and only America has the guts to say no. Again.

Of course, Hamas and all the others think they're right. Okay, maybe they are.

And what is the truth?

There are only two possibilities in the universe: There is a God, or there isn't.

If there isn't, there's no Judgement Day. At that point all bets are off, and Saddam Hussein was right in living the way he did. He's no worse off than Mother Teresa. It's all just a big, black void.

Ah, but if there is a God, then there's a Judgement Day. Aye, there's the rub.

AND DR. RANTISI, setting the tone for his first hundred days (and, no doubt, every hundred after that), has used his new bully pulpit to say that "God has declared war on the United States."

Well. Okay, maybe he's right. No, really, it's possible, isn't it? Maybe those folks are right, and all Jews and Americans are the mortal enemies of God, and should be killed anytime, anyplace, the more the merrier.

Anyone want to switch places with Sheikh Yassin right now and find out?

Come on, if he was right, he's the King Of Paradise. True, if he was wrong he may be just the slightest bit uncomfortable for a while. But who cares about that? Now let's see a few hands. Won't someone roll those dice? Anyone? No takers? Are you sure? Last chance. Going, going . . .

Gone.

Larry Miller is a contributing humorist to The Daily Standard and a writer, actor, and comedian living in Los Angeles.

[M L Crassus]

whatever one thinks about the israeli-palestinian conflict, the timing and target of the assassination are questionable. sharon may have just stuck his hand in the hornet's nest. i don't see how this particular military move is in any way useful in the protection of the israeli state and people.

[Reactionary]

Another sterling example of how the Stalinist pig Left in the news media uses language to promote their sick agenda.

Yassin was about as "spiritual" as Himmler.

[isthisnickcool]

Thye ought to hit Arafat next.

[Lijahsbubbe]

You don't see how getting rid of a head terrorist is useful? Hmmm.

[MEG33]

Jim Jones was a spiritual leader of a death cult..Sounds about right for Yassin and his successor.They are reponsible for death on a regular basis.

[Arpege92]

"Sharon may have just stuck his hand in the hornet's nest."

Perhaps, and now it's time to rid the world of the rest of those hornets!

[coloradan]

Please explain how is letting terrorists remain alive is useful for the protection of the Israeli state and people?

[humblegunner]

whatever one thinks about the israeli-palestinian conflict, the timing and target of the assassination are questionable. sharon may have just stuck his hand in the hornet's nest. i don't see how this particular military move is in any way useful in the protection of the israeli state and people.

Shift key.
It produces Capital Letters.
For proper names and such.
Lower left, second from bottom.

[M L Crassus]

no, i don't think it is - not this one, and not at this particular time. i find it incomprehensible how sharon precedes a pullout from gaza by assassinating not only the wheelchair-ridden spiritual leader of hamas, but an icon of their religion to thousands of muslims in the area. whatever mr. hassin's past deeds as one of the heads of hamas, this was a very dangerous move. i think we would do well to remember that this is not simply the old-fashioned rubbing out a general to leave his troops leaderless and willing to surrender. the war against islamic fundamentalism is far different than any other wherever it is fought.

[Theresawithanh]

Well, they did kill a guy who has been responsible for the deaths of many Israelis, and it lets the others know that they may be next. Sounds OK to me.

[driftless]

I'm both amused and irritated at people I know who say that we shouldn't get terrorists riled up. Even after 9/11 I get comments like these from co-workers and others. I guess according to these people we should do nothing when terrorists murder us and our allies. My solution to the terrorist problem is just a tad different. I think we should kill them where we find them. There may be more terrorists being created by our actions, but I doubt that many potential murderers like the idea of a missile up their shorts and seeing those 72 virgins too quickly. But basically the idea of appeasing killers is just revolting to me.

[Dog Gone]

While all that is true, killing terrorist leadership is a good thing. I don't care if they're an icon to their followers. Removing them from that position is the only way to influence the future.

Unless we (or the Israelis) send the message that terrorism doesn't pay, we'll get more of it.

[M L Crassus]

please explain how blowing the spiritual leader of hamas (himmler or not, he is who he is in the eyes of his followers) to smithereens *as he walks out of a mosque* will correlate directly with a decrease in suicide bombings, greater security for israel, and the dawn of a new era of good feeling in which all terrorists will be eliminated to the last and only moderate and peace-loving muslims will be left to enjoy the fruits of this brilliant operation.

[M L Crassus]

i am familiar with this feature, but choose not to use it.
thanks for the suggestion.

[Lijahsbubbe]

Well I'm certainly not surprised by your response. I see from your previous posts you defend Kerry, wonder coyly about how much money Bush spent on his website, and you find the targeting of terrorists questionable. Hmmm.

[Petronski]

Take it easy on our new friend. It might just be k.d.lang!

[M L Crassus]

"I guess according to these people we should do nothing when terrorists murder us and our allies."

not at all, driftless. but calculated removal of terrorist leaders combined with sound diplomacy on our part is far better than a rash move like this.

"There may be more terrorists being created by our actions..."
so why not contain the testosterone and use our heads when dealing with these threats?

"...but i doubt that many potential murderers like the idea of a missile up their shorts and seeing those 72 virgins too quickly."
recent evidence regarding the nature of islamic fundamentalists and their feelings regarding martyrdom should convince you otherwise.

[USNBandit]

The hypocrisy is clear when we see who the leaders of the Palestinian movement send to carry out these bombings. They only send their children. You never see one of the old leaders of the movement sacrifice himself. They say they want freedom, but what they really want is power and you can't exercise power when you're dead. Arafat is a perfect example. When was the last time he picked up a weapon to fight the Israelis? The intifada exists so that he can line his pockets in off shore bank accounts.

None of us will ever really understand these people because they believe in things that are complete abhorrent to us. No American would ever celebrate the death of their child. They happily send their children off to commit suicide. Even if the child is mentally deficient

[Lijahsbubbe]

not only the wheelchair-ridden spiritual leader of hamas, but an icon of their religion to thousands

Yer movin' me to tears, sniff sniff /not!