6
Kevin Brown
Yankees Pitcher
THIS SURLY REDNECK gives the term "clubhouse cancer" a new name. Now the 39-year-old right-hander gets to wear pinstripes, bad back and all. Brown, who'll certainly be on the disabled list by the first day of summer, duped the Dodgers in 1998 into giving him baseball's first $100 million contract. He also had the team pay for 12 private jet trips for his family to fly from his hometown of Macon, GA to select games, plus ground transportation and eight premium season tickets. The Dodgers paid Brown $400,000 in exchange for these demands as part of the deal. Brown says he likes being a Yankee because, like all homesick redneck ballplayers, he feels "closer to home." He also said he hopes to "sneak home" on the occasional off days to see his kids play ball down in Georgia. Well, Kevin, when you come north with the team, tell us how well your rebel flag goes over in the South Bronx.
5
Michael Flocker
Metrosexual Guru
THERE WILL ALWAYS be famous dictators, notorious anti-Semites and stand-out despots, but great hate movements always need lesser-known worker bees to actually sit down and write that Stalinist constitution, those Protocols of the Elders of Zion. Enter Michael Flocker, the very self-satisfied author of The Metrosexual Guide to Style. Giving in to a "lifelong urge to tell people how to live and behave," Flocker became the first person on Earth to formally codify the disgusting ethos of the self-hating, self-castrating consumerist vanity craze known as metrosexuality, in which men frantically unload their disposable incomes to become high-octane transvestites. Carry a slim money clip or billfold (to avoid unsightly bulges), and make sure your belt and your shoes match when you push this callow, pedicured mannequin-conformist in front of the No. 9 train.