I LIVE BY A CODE

E-mail | 19 April 2004 | E-mail

[ExSoldier]

OK folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual - bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars:

The Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little wuss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a retrosexaul may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas.  Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, Boondock Saints, Cool Hand Luke...and you damn sure better be able to quote at least two lines from Patton!

When a retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

A retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt .) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

[ExSoldier]

I got this in an e-mail from my nephew. I am particularly proud of this young man as I helped raise him and I'd say MY values and beliefs are more reflected in his personality than his liberal parents (my sister). That's what happens when you look for a cheap babysitter, sis! He's only 13 years my junior. I look more at him as the little brother I never had.

I felt this little essay was spot on for MANY of the wonderful freepers I know here. Especially my friends on Joe Brower's 2nd Amendment ping list and the *bang_list

[don-o]

time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men

Uh, might wanna turn off the TeeVee sometime.

[Humidston]

Take a bow, Uncle! You done good influencing that boy!

(And I'm a female. ;-)

[Eala]

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

Oops. That's what I used to tie. Then I encountered a superior knot (I don't know what it's called), and that's all I've tied for the past decade or more...

[Alberta's Child]

I live by a code, too. I play hockey three times a week, and when I come across a real Clymer (in hockey and in life) I'm prepared to smack him down so hard that his clothes are out of style when he gets back up again.

Oh, and . . .

REAL MEN WEAR DUSTERS

[areafiftyone]

stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!

Um do we females get to do that too? ;-)

[cavtrooper21]

Wooohooo!!!!!
I'm going to make a printable version of this and leave a bunch of copies at KT's
Sounds like a good way to raise the boy.

Thank you and thanks to your nephew ES... great post.

[madrastex]

Amen!

[JOE43270]

Keep it up Exsoldier. I'm working on my grandsons in this manner. We need these guys to carry on for us. GOD BLESS AMERICA and all of us too.

[Esther Ruth]

A Retro guy knows the only real guy to vote for in November in George W. Bush!

[AQGeiger]

Real women love retrosexual men!

[John Galt's cousin]

How does this compare to the code you nephew shared? You guys sound like you are, or have been, Scouts.

Scout Oath (or Promise)

On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.



Scout Law

TRUSTWORTHY
A Scout tells the truth. He keeps his promises. Honesty is part of his code of conduct. People can depend on him.

LOYAL
A Scout is true to his family, Scout leaders, friends, school, and nation.

HELPFUL
A Scout is concerned about other people. He does things willingly for others without pay or reward.

FRIENDLY
A Scout is a friend to all. He is a brother to other Scouts. He seeks to understand others. He respects those with ideas and customs other than his own.

COURTEOUS
A Scout is polite to everyone regardless of age or position. He knows good manners make it easier for people to get along together.

KIND
A Scout understands there is strength in being gentle. He treats others as he wants to be treated. He does not hurt or kill harmless things without reason.

OBEDIENT
A Scout follows the rules of his family, school, and troop. He obeys the laws of his community and country. If he thinks these rules and laws are unfair, he tries to have them changed in an orderly manner rather than disobey them.

CHEERFUL
A Scout looks for the bright side of things. He cheerfully does tasks that come his way. He tries to make others happy.

THRIFTY
A Scout works to pay his way and to help others. He saves for unforeseen needs. He protects and conserves natural resources. He carefully uses time and property.

BRAVE
A Scout can face danger even if he is afraid. He has the courage to stand for what he thinks is right even if others laugh at or threaten him.

CLEAN
A Scout keeps his body and mind fit and clean. He goes around with those who believe in living by these same ideals. He helps keep his home and community clean.

REVERENT
A Scout is reverent toward God. He is faithful in his religious duties. He respects the beliefs of others.

[Centurion2000]

bump

[ExSoldier]

"Um do we females get to do that too?"

Sure, why not? My wife does it all the time. Thank God she's not a freeper. This last one could be grounds for Summary Court Martial and a swift execution by slow torture.

[Revolting cat!]

A retrosexual thinks Viagra is gods' gift to mankind!

[Riley]

"He cuts down trees,
he eats his lunch,
he goes to the lavatreeeeee!"


LOL! Suits me fine.

[ExSoldier]

I was both a Boy Scout and a Sea Scout. I was a leader in both those organizations. Don't remember if the nephew ever was, or not. I wouldn't exactly equate "The Code" to the Scout Oath.

[esopman]

Great Post!

Are there RS categories or rankings? Fr'instance, do you get an RS black belt if:

1. You reload more than 100 rounds of spent brass per month.

2. You can operate and repair a chain saw, and, yes, threaten your daughter's (former) punk boy friend with it.

3. You quit a job, rather than do something unethical.

4. You know, really know, just how too-low-to-kick-at and too-slimy-to-stomp-on the Clintons really are.

5. You know, really know, you would never register your guns.

6. Your bedside nightstand holds a Bible, a Maglight, a loaded S&W Model 29 and a small flask of Gentleman Jack.

[Choose Ye This Day]

Used to be there was a time when there was no such thing as a "retrosexual man." He was simply called a "man."

It's sad that today society needs subcategories.

[esopman]

Great Post!

Are there RS categories or rankings? Fr'instance, do you get an RS black belt if:

1. You reload more than 100 rounds of spent brass per month.

2. You can operate and repair a chain saw, and, yes, threaten your daughter's (former) punk boy friend with it.

3. You quit a job, rather than do something unethical.

4. You know, really know, just how too-low-to-kick-at and too-slimy-to-stomp-on the Clintons really are.

5. You know, really know, you would never register your guns.

6. Your bedside nightstand holds a Bible, a Maglight, a loaded S&W Model 29 and a small flask of Gentleman Jack.