Posted on 06/22/2004 5:20:39 PM PDT by wagglebee
'I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." -- Bill Clinton, wagging his finger at us in 1998. "I think I did something for the worst possible reason -- because I could." -- Bill Clinton, hawking his book in 2004.
"Sorry ... we're hibernating while designing for next season. No one home in customer service either." -- Message on handbag designer Monica Lewinsky's Web site.
William Jefferson Clinton's long-awaited, 957-page autobiography, My Life, lands with a gigantic thud in bookstores today, and I think he might even be doing some publicity to promote the book. It's already perched at No. 1 on the amazon.com list -- with the abridged version at No. 7 and the large-print version at No. 8.
This is sure to be the one summer book that just about everybody buys and just about nobody actually reads from cover to cover. You're going to be slogging through My Life, trying to be a good, informed citizen, but the new David Sedaris collection is going to be tempting you like a thong-snapping intern.
I mean, come on. Is the average, time-strapped, hardworking citizen really going to work through nearly 1,000 pages of Clintonian self-indulgence -- including hundreds and hundreds of pre-presidency anecdotes? How many riveting details about trailer trash life in Arkansas, non-inhaling adventures in Oxford and gubernatorial elections do we really need?
Unless there's some Penthouse Forum quality stuff in there about Gennifer Flowers and Elizabeth Ward Gracen ("Dear Penthouse, I never thought a guy like me could have a one-night stand with a former Miss America, but it really happened!"), a lot of readers are going to skip over page after page to get to the non-drowsy stuff.
As Michiko Kakutani put it in her scathing review in the New York Times: "The book ... is sloppy, self-indulgent and often eye-crossingly dull.... 'My Life' reads like a messy pastiche of everything Clinton ever remembered and wanted to set down in print. ... There are endless litanies of meals eaten, speeches delivered, voters greeted and turkeys pardoned ... tedious descriptions of long-ago political debates in Arkansas over utility regulation and car license fees ..."
And if you've ever created a messy pastiche, you know how hard it is to clean it up.
My Life -- the director's cut
As I've done with dozens of newsmaking books over the years, I will be your personal Achilles on this one, charging in first, reading My Life in its entirety and letting you know if there's something that hasn't been covered to death in Time or Newsweek or in Clinton's interviews with Dan Rather and Oprah and Larry King and Ryan Seacrest. (Just kidding about the latter. I think.)
In the meantime, I'd like to share some of the "deleted scenes" that didn't make the final book.
According to some reports, the original version of My Life was even meatier than the final, Chicago phone-book sized tome. Clinton reportedly was 800 pages into the first draft and he still hadn't made it to his first inauguration.
That means a lot of stuff wound up on the cutting room floor.
And that got me to wondering: what if Billy C. had written the book in journal form, sharing his innermost thoughts and feelings?
That would be a juicy read. And it might go ... something ... like this.
The unexpurgated Clinton
Aug. 19, 1946. "I was born today. The nurse was hot!"
Aug. 21, 1946. "Went home today. Got the nurse's number."
March 6, 1952. "There's a television set in the window at Jimmy Joe's Hardware. I saw this show called 'I Love Lucy.' She's OK, but Ethel is hot! Forget Lucy, I love Ethel!"
Sept. 7, 1953. "First day of school. My teacher is hot!"
Nov. 19, 1957. "I made out with Sally during the 'Duck and Cover' drill. When some other kids told the teacher I kissed Sally, I looked everyone straight in the eye and said, 'I want you to listen to me. I did not have kissing relations with that girl, Sally.' They fell for it!"
July 24, 1963. "Today I was in Washington, D.C., and I shook hands with President John F. Kennedy in the Rose Garden of the White House! I've decided that I am going to emulate every facet of President Kennedy's life, professionally and personally. Whatever he has done, I will do."
Oct. 14, 1969. "And it's one, two, three what are we fighting for, don't ask me I don't give a damn, next stop is Vietnam...
"Yeah right!"
Oct. 11, 1975. "Today I married the beautiful and sweet Hillary Rodham, who assures me she has no political ambitions of her own and will always stand by her man, just like Tammy Wynette. It just occurred to me -- I'll never be with another woman again. Oh well, no big deal.
"A new TV show debuted today. It's called 'Saturday Night Live.' Very funny but scathing! Boy, I'd hate to do anything that would cause them to make fun of me."
And that would be just the first 100 pages.
Unless there's some Penthouse Forum quality stuff in there about Gennifer Flowers and Elizabeth Ward Gracen ("Dear Penthouse, I never thought a guy like me could have a one-night stand with a former Miss America, but it really happened!"), a lot of readers are going to skip over page after page to get to the non-drowsy stuff.
The press reaction to this book is just unbelievably funny.
This from Roeper?? What is going on?
Either this book is really much worse than we thought it was or the press is trying to get Bubba off the stage in time to give Kerry the limelight.
Thanks for posting. This review has to be more revealing than the book itself.
LOLOLOLOLOL
Are the 957 pages printed on bathroom tissue?
I hear its a p.o.s.
"Ahm gonna say this one more time. Ah did not have sex with that woman.....Miz Lewinsky."
I'm sorry. I dislike der slickmeister as much as the next guy. I don't even like to say his name. I call him x42 or GWB's predecessor or der slickmeister. But I wince at the use of the term "trailer trash." Maybe cause my grandma grew up poor in Mississippi and I lived with her for a while. But I just think it sounds rotten. Maybe Swillie elicits such a term. I wouldn't know cause I ain't buying his stoopid book. That's all I had to say.
March 6, 1952. "There's a television set in the window at Jimmy Joe's Hardware. I saw this show called 'I Love Lucy.' She's OK, but Ethel is hot! Forget Lucy, I love Ethel!"
There IS one good reason to buy the book that I can think of: its a great way to fall asleep after you try reading half a dozen pages when you're suffering from insomnia.
I think NOBODY is going to get any airtime AT all with ANYTHING from June 28 - Aug 15, what with all that's going to happen with the Iraq turnover.
I wonder if the press has finally figured out that not many people really care about this man. We lived through his nonsense once--we do not read about it again. He is a legend in his own mind.
If Monica really said this, its about the funniest and on-point thing I've ever heard about her.
" The press reaction to this book is just unbelievably funny."
Don't forget Dan, "What's the frequency, Kenneth..", Rather.
One of Bill’s favorite pics of Chelsea. (he keeps it in the bathroom)
Well when you think about it, Ratherbiased didn't really throw Bubba any more soft balls than he did when he interviewed Saddam. Rather will basically lick the @$$hole of anybody who hates Bush.
That's also a great way to give yourself nightmares.
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