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Emergency Candidate Separation Surgery Successful Adhesive reaction between hairspray and Botox faulted By V.K. Bestertester, Staff Writer FRESNO, CA - Emergency surgery to separate the Democrat Presidential pair has been successful, doctors at at an Ohio hospital said today. 
Alleged Democrat Party presidential nominee Senator John Kerry (D-Lib) and his Vice-Presidential choice Senator John Edwards (D-South) were pried away from each other in a marathon 12-hour surgical procedure. Both men were said to be resting comfortably and in good condition following the operation. "It was a difficult procedure. We nearly ran out of Goof-Off solvent while separating Sen. Kerry's hip from Sen. Edwards' buttock." said Dr. J.E. Gumby, chief of orthopedic surgery at Cleveland General. "The hazardous material handling precautions didn't help. Ever try using a scalpel while wearing a gas mask? Well don't, it isn't easy, but Botox poisoning is no picnic, either." While it is not clear what led to the candidates being glued together, some said that the volatile combination of hairspray and Botox may have formed a powerful but previously unknown adhesive sealant. The sealant's adhesive properties appeared similar to silicone rubber, but infinitely more powerful. Paramedics were called to the scene of a campaign rally in Ohio after the Senators became adhered and were unable to free themselves. "I've been an EMT for 15 years, and I've never seen anything like it," Firefighter Ed McCaffrey said, "they were stuck tight. The worst part was Mrs. Kerry's high-pitched screaming. She was really concerned that Sen. Kerry would reach out to her and then she'd be stuck with, ummm, on him." The Presidential Pair were taken from the scene in an ambulance and rushed to surgery. They were met at the hospital by agents of the Department of Homeland Security, who said they had detected Botulinum toxin at the rally and were concerned the pair may have been the target of a terrorist attack. "We took readings from Sen. Edwards' right shoulder and determined that Botox was present, but only in very small, non-threatening amounts." Agent Shannon Sharpe said. "So we permitted the surgery to continue but insisted that the medical personnel adopt a high-protection posture in case additional contamination had occurred. That's why there were gas masks and butyl-rubber gloves on the staff. But we determined that there's no link to terrorism, nothing to see here, so we asked people to just move along." |
