“Ignoring Terror” Tandem (Kerry/Edwards)

In his speech announcing the selection of John Edwards as his VP pick, perhaps the most important news was what presidential wannabe John Kerry didn’t say.

Not one mention of the enemy we are fighting, or how he plans to lead us in that fight.

And not only did Kerry not mention Iraq, he didn’t even utter the words “al Qaeda” or “radical Islam.” Nor did “terror” or “terrorism” pass through his lips.

His sole line relating to anything international suggests that Kerry would like to return to the failed foreign policy that helped create the world before 9/11.

In one of Kerry’s most-hyped and best-covered speeches of his entire political career, the Democratic challenger spelled out what would be important to a Kerry-Edwards administration.

The Queer John/Johns have other things on their minds, a hot summer love affair!

http://www.borowitzreport.com/archive_rpt.asp?rec=903

EDWARDS ASKS KERRY TO STOP GRABBING HIS ASS

Public Displays of Affection ‘Distracting,’ Says Kerry’s No. 2

After a mere two days on the campaign trail, the first signs of tension between John Kerry and running mate John Edwards emerged today as Sen. Edwards requested, firmly and unequivocally, that Mr. Kerry stop grabbing his ass.

“I think Sen. Kerry has made it very clear in our joint appearances that he is happy to have me on the ticket,” Mr. Edwards told reporters. “He really doesn’t have to prove it by repeatedly grabbing my ass.”

At a campaign stop in Pennsylvania today, Mr. Edwards was in the middle of a speech when he emitted a high-pitched yelp, apparently in response to yet another unexpected display of affection from Sen. Kerry.

“Jesus, John,” a visibly annoyed Mr. Edwards said to Mr. Kerry, who merely stood behind him smiling mischievously.

In a sign that Mr. Kerry’s unwanted embraces may be taking their toll on the newly-minted vice-presidential candidate, Mr. Edwards departed from his prepared remarks, telling hs audience, “There are two Americas – one that gets to grab ass, and one that gets its ass grabbed.”

Intriguingly, a source confirmed that Mr. Kerry’s penchant for ass-grabbing was the principal reason Rep. Dick Gephardt (D-Missouri) did not make the Democratic ticket: “The whole idea of it grossed Dick out.”

Elsewhere, indicted former Enron CEO Ken Lay today announced that he would seek amnesty by applying for a position as an Iraqi insurgent.

And in Washington, Attorney General John Ashcroft told all Americans to be on the lookout for a terror suspect disguised as an obese man wearing glasses and a baseball cap, accompanied by a documentary film crew.

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