Science fiction, fortunately...

Eating anchovies before you sleep | 17 October 2004 | Ron Pickrell

[pickrell]

It happens that way sometimes.

Or at least it did in one alternate universe, where a comet containing a rare and unknown substance passed too close to Earth, and opened up a wormhole in space-time. But then, that's the problem with wormholes.

Sometimes, worms go through them.

A galactic phenomenon had occurred, and several historical figures had been physically transposed in time. History, in a microsecond, was then re-written.

It had been a rousing acceptance speech. The new President lauded his team and announced an end to business as usual. And businesses, as usual, prepared their layoff notices. No use waiting to the last minute. Most folks, however, yawned and applauded politely. The new President railed at the loss of agrarian homesteads being sold off cheaply at auction, "Y'all know, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about all of these family-farm values." And then, it was on to business.

They met for the first time in that December of 1941, to set up their plans. They earlier had even spoken politely to Franklin Roosevelt, the outgoing President, and since he was from the same political party, everyone was polite, and everyone was careful not to mention the accident last fall, where the President accidently killed the Vice-President.

It was just one of those unfortunate tragedies. No would would ever have suspected that the President, clenching an extravagantly long cigarette holder in his teeth, would hurry around the corner...at the precise time that the Vice-President would round that same corner, going in the opposite direction at great speed.

The Vice-President had been carrying an urgent dispatch, and in his urgency, had been, - well, let's face it -, dispatched. But then, as people quietly commented later, "...anyway, in 60 years or so, who will remember who Roosevelt's Vice-President even was? Anyway, we have to now rally round Governor-, er, I mean- President Clinton in these troubled times."

The funeral was awkward, to say the least. Afterwards, Mr. Roosevelt had declined to seek re-election, and this relatively unknown Arkansas governor had won.

"So, Mr. John F. Kerry! I understand that you have agreed to serve as my Secretary of War."

"Yes, Sir, Mr. President. I fell that my previous Viet-, er, I mean my prior heroic-, hmmm. Well, I'm here, anyway."

"Well, then, what's all of this business over the weekend at Pearl harbor? I've been there, you know. Them women there are hot, now! Sorry, Hil, just jokin', of course."

The new SecWar puffed up his chest, "Well, sir, some of these excitable Republicans seem to think that some sort of precipitate action is called for. Now, I recommend that we set up a commission and study this. Maybe a study group to examine our options."

The First Lady broke in, "Bill, obviously we need to get the FBI involved in this and clamp a lid on this irresponsible talk about war. I'm sure J. Edgar, here, will agree that this is an overreaction t-"

"Mr, President, I certainly DO NOT agree that declaring war is an overreaction. We have, after all, been attacked!"

The President glanced sideways at Kerry, and seemed shocked."Well, J.- say, I can call you 'J', can't I? Of course I can, what am ah sayin'? Hell, I run the place now, ain't that so Hil? Anyway, Mr. Hoover, we can't just go unilaterally declaring war all over the place and runnin' off half cocked, and all. Let's put this before the League of Nations, and get an international consensus goin' here. How 'bout you call the Polish Ambassador- they was hot for us to do something about international tensions, a few years back, and-"

"Sorry, can't Mr. President; they were overrun the year before last..."

"Well then, how about them Spanish guys? After all, we sent all of them Abraham Lincoln Brigades to fight alongside the Socialists over there against them right-wingers-"

"Sorry, Mr. President. They were defeated."

The President snorted, "well then, what about the Frenchies? Hell, they like me! Maybe we could get them to throw in with us and--"

"No, sir. They surrendered last year, sir."

"The Chinese?"

"Overrun, and on the run."

"The...Mexicans?"

"Sir," the new Secretary of War interrupted, "we seem to be falling into the same trap as the Republicans on the hill are. Now, instead of talking about war, I suggest that we get the FBI to go over some of the evidence at Pearl Harbor and open an investigation. Now I've been told that we have some bomb fragments with partial fingerprints on them. I propose that we issue warrants for whoever loaded those bombs into those airplanes, and once we get him, we can expand the investigation over the coming months, and perhaps also seek the names of a few of the pilots."

It was too much for the FBI Director, who shot a withering look at the new SecWar and hissed, "And just how do you propose that we convince the Japanese to extradite that unknown bomb loader? We don't exactly have an extradition treaty with them!"

The First Lady bristled and shook her finger, "Now you just look here, Mr. J. Edgar fancy-pants Hoover! Don't you make me come over there and rich-slap you!"

"Don't tangle with her, J. She'll clean yore clock!" Clinton smirked.

"Anyway," Kerry continued, "We don't know that the Japanese were even involved in this nuisance. We certainly don't want to go racially profiling anyone, just because they ain't white!"

"Mr. President," the FBI director sighed, "The fact that the planes were Japanese was attested to by over 400 witnesses!"

"Doesn't mean that Japanese folks were flying them!" Kerry flamed back. "Could have been right-wings survivalists."

After an awkward silence, he pouted, "It could happen!"

The President held his hands up. "I think John's right. John, can't you get them Republicans in the Senate to calm down? After all, you gave in to them and voted for more military money last month, right?"

"Well..I did, sir. At least, at first. But then later that day I voted against it. However, since it looked like it was going to pass anyway, I got the record changed to have me voting for it."

Hoover asked, clearly puzzled, "But didn't that bill eventually get defeated?"

"Yeah," replied Kerry, "and good job of it, too."

"But that lack of money prevented completion of the fortifications at Wake Island!"

"Darn," Kerry replied, "I warned them tightwads that would happen!"

"Folks!" the President interrupted, "let's not get tied up in politics, here. We need to insure that the American people realize that Shintoism is a peaceful religion, and that the majority of Japanese are-"

"Bloody evil little monsters.." Hoover subvocalized.

"I warned you!" Mrs. Clinton stood up angrily. "Don't make me come over there!"

"-peaceful, hard working people," the President continued, glaring at the FBI director, "who shouldn't be lumped in with a few bad apples. Like Secretary Kerry has advised, we'll keep this where it should be...a criminal investigation."

He tapped his fingers on the huge desk for a while. "The Norwegians?"

"Defeated, sir."

"Surely the Swiss will join our coalition-"

"Sorry, Sir. Officially neutral."

"Mr. President, I can't believe that we are going to ignore the deaths of nearly 2,000 American citizens! We have been ATTACKED by the axis powers, and- " Hoover suddenly winced, "Owww! That hurt!"

"I told you not to provoke her, 'J'. She's mean as mustard!"

The President suddenly cast his eyes downwards. "Sorry, honeypie. Just joking, of course."

He looked thoughtful for a moment, "Anyway. I'm starved. Who's up for MacDonalds?"

Heads turned slowly in puzzlement, "Who...is MacDonald?"

******

Thankfully, it was an alternate universe...........

Ron Pickrell, Veteran for Bush, and obviously a heavy scotch drinker...

[Twinkie]

Truth is stranger than fiction.

[GeronL]

I loved it

[Wneighbor]

:-) Appreciated! :-)

ROFL - and voting for Bush in 5 days.

[King Prout]

well done

[Ronin]

To weird for words....

But I giggled all the way through it.