Posted on 10/20/2004 6:24:03 AM PDT by Petronski
GEORGE BUSH WILL SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSE.... [Jonah Goldberg]
Shoot your dog, eat your best cold fried chicken, jam your Xerox machine, grope your wife, give nukes to the Crips and the Bloods, raise taxes on the poor to 110%, give Margaret Cho a two hour nightly "comedy" special, replace vegetables with sand on all high school cafeteria menus and require that all women be handcuffed to their basement radiators until they breed the requisite 3 Aryan children this countries needs. If minority women can't churn out the good stuff, they stay handcuffed. And -- oh yeah -- he'll reinstitute the draft.
Why doesn't John Kerry say all of these things instead of merely saying Bush will bring back the draft? I mean whenever he's asked "Why are you saying this when the president has denied it categorically?" He responds, "Well, he also said there were weapons of mass destruction. He has no credibility."
Never mind the asinine cynicism involved in that Kerry also said he thought there were WMDs (don't make me go through the list of others who did as well). But if you aren't bound by evidence and the President's denials don't count, why not really cut loose with some scary scenarios. The president will require that all taco meat be replaced with blue cheese. A 500 foot nude statue of Helen Thomas will replace the Washington Monument -- that towering symbol of our phallocracy. Puppies will burn, kittens will fly, diapers will chafe -- all if George W. Bush is elected.
I hope Mr. Goldberg doesn't mind my post of all three paragraph, but he's on fire in this one, and I think it's a great example of the truly good stuff found on 'The Corner' every day.
You've got to read this mini-rant from Jonah Goldberg about the lies of John Kerry. Classic.
Ah that's what I've been smelling lately when I wake up in the morning! I thought it was barbecueing!
Glenn Beck is doing a similar bit this morning.
He said he's given up on logic, he's just going to speak REALLY SLOWLY so that the old people Kerry is trying to scare can process the information, LOL.
GOOD ONE!
Great rant!
I didn't need this visual image this early in the day. I can feel the coffee creamer curdling in my gut with THE HORROR!
Some things should never even be joked about.
I hear Bush has a plan to come to your house and print a bunch of documents to use up all your laser printer cartridges. And he's going to ban bingo. Hear that, old people? He's going to take your bingo!
And George Bush is the reason your grandkids never call!
We need good people in Florida repeating this stuff to the point where anyone who believed the crap Kerry is spouting will start feeling ridiculous.
The idea of a nude statue of Helen Thomas is the scariest thing imaginable.
Then neither do you Mr. Kerry. You did say there was WMD too, right?
Five hundred feet tall!
Oh man, the imagery...if I had eaten breakfast today it would be all over the desk now.
I read the fine print of the Bush plan. Did you know he's going to remove that pleasant fresh fragrance from thunderstorms? And the tiny bubbles in champagne are going to be replaced with gigantic, oafish bubbles that have no sense of elegance whatsoever!
"Oh, the humanity."
THEY ALREADY DO!
Goodtimes will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream goes melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you try to play.It will give your ex-girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix Kool-aid into your fishtank. It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will put a dead kitten in the back pocket of your good suit pants and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
Goodtimes will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Discover card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Goodtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can’t find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss’s voice mail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Goodtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bathtub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase gradeschoolers with your new snowblower.
Listen to me. Goodtimes does not exist.
It cannot do anything to you. But I can. I am sending this message to everyone in the world. Tell your friends, tell your family. If anyone else sends me another E-mail about this fake Goodtimes Virus, I will turn hating them into a religion. I will do things to them that would make a horsehead in your bed look like Easter Sunday brunch.
.
-- Spoof of virus hoax, attributed to Patrick J Rothfuss.
I was laughing so hard at this one that my coworkers called security.
Most excellent rant! Hilarious.
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