Posted on 10/27/2004 8:46:43 PM PDT by pickrell
Dateline: FLASH!
Recently declassified documents exclusively obtained by the CBS news manufacturing company reveal that the President of the United States, George Bush, was party to a criminal conspiracy to fix the 2001 Belmont horse race! United States Senator Ted Kennedy warned, "Due to the seriousness of the charge, and the overwhelming evidence that has now been discovered, we find it unavoidable that the actions of this criminal conspiracy be brought to the attention of the world. Especially now that we are involved in matters of war."
When pressed upon the matter, Senator Kennedy displayed a document recently discovered in a White House bathroom reading stand, indisputably proving his charge. "This program lists EVERY horse that won that day. The evidence is unmistakeable..."
The New York Times reported that a clearly shaken White House spokesman managed only to reply feebly, "Of course it lists every horse that won, you bonehead! It lists every single horse that ran that day. That's what a program is! Are you reporters just dense when you want to be, or what?" Later, a further attempt at damage control was offered by the madly scrambling Administration, hastily working to undo the shattering political damage., "We apologize for our spokesman previously referring to all reporters as 'boneheads'. We realize that a number of disadvantaged Americans currently suffer from hyper-orthopedic osteogenesis, and that comparing them to reporters was insensitive at best..."
The visibly shaken Karen Hughes continued her backpedalling, "We also certainly didn't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with being 'dense'. After all, we have dealt with reporters for years, and we can state categorically that nothing is any different now than in the past."
When asked to comment on the seeming collapse of White House credibility, Senator John Kerry amplified that, "It seems rather unexplainable that only 61 days, 8 hours and 17 minutes, TO THE VERY MINUTE, before the 9/11 attacks, that the President was involved in a gambling scandal, and thereby had his attention diverted from the business of the people!" Reporters nodded in unison and recorded the appropriate challenge.
In yet another startling development, it has been revealed that the work of the Church Commission (headed by the former Senator Frank Church, Democrat, who pushed through legislation that made it illegal for the FBI and the CIA to share information), was concluded and put into law on the VERY DAY the George Bush, who was then involved in an oil company in Texas, went to get a tooth filled. One of the most intense investigations ever conducted by a news organization, since someone swiped Dan Rather's 1970's typewriter, has produced dental X-Rays, obtained under the Freedom of Implication Act, that prove the charge.
When the President was asked why he diverted his attention from the Democrats' dismantling of our national intelligence assets in the last two decades while he was a private citizen, to waste time seeking a dentist, the President seemed frankly at a loss to defend his actions, mumbling "Because my tooth hurt, you moron!"
This startling revelation is further proof of the unconcerned and frankly incompetent attitude of the Bush Administration. "Were all of the impediments to national security that were put into place by the previous adminstration known to this President, while he was wasting time struggling to get his cabinet members confirmed before a stonewalling Senate for the first 8 months of his Administration? How does he justify doing nothing about the previous congressional actions that we in the press applauded at the time as vitally necessary to prevent a clearly out of control national intelligence apparatus from spying on those elements bent on harming America?" the media agreed.
"This isn't exactly true..." the White House offered as an excuse, "...we actually spent the first 2 months battling the endless challenges to the election results. We didn't get a chance to begin wasting our time on assembling the cabinet until after then." "This is an excuse," Keery retorted brilliantly, "the only question that the President dodged was - what did we in the Senator know, and when did we know it-? He never asked! This administration is clearly out of control."
Several members of the 9/11 panel, who recently investigated why they were allowed to implement these impediments, took time out from decrying why the President didn't take pre-emptive action to forestall 9/11, to declare, "There is no conceivable justification for the pre-emptive actions that this President has taken in this war. While we are staunchly behind every gain in this war, we want the American people to know that we are absolutely against every setback. We are firm in this. This administration is clearly out of control."
President elect, nearly, Kerry further pointed out the obvious charge, "This President lied about there being terrible weapons in Iraq, rushed blindly into war, and then didn't take the time to insure that the terrible weapons weren't left there long enough, while sanctions were clearly working, to enable the Iraqis to hide them or loot them into Damascus. He obviously waited too long! I would have decided to go in and secure these weapons...before I decided not go in."
A sublty confused press, after sorting out the Senator's statement, shook their heads to clear them, and, then pressed the Democratic contender, "Mr- Pres- uh, I mean Senator for now, isn't what you mean to say...that the President- (forgot the subtle disrespect for a second) sorry-, that Bush didn't clearly plan the rushing of troops to safeguard the Baghdad antiquities, to prevent looting and to secure all of the weapons that weren't there, because they were carelessly and selfishly shooting back at the snipers and the diehards? Were the Generals cynically obsessed with mundane details, like battling these non-existent holdouts? Isn't it true that no resistance exists in Iraq? Did the troops take part in the looting themselves, in a manner reminiscent of Ghengis Kahn?"
"We may never know that," Kerry sadly admitted. "But I'm glad I made that very point. Because the President had no plan to keep panties out of Iraq. I knew, in fact it was seared- SEARED- into my memory that some of these clearly out-of-control troops would put panties on their captives' heads, and then take pictures of them. They might even get dogs to bark at them." The Senator shook his head and struck a magisterial pose, "Honestly, I don't know whether this President even knows what happened on the corner of Tigris street and Euphrates Avenue, on the 3rd day of the war, at around 11:00 P.M., near the fig shop. He seems strangely unaware of details that are seared- SEARED- into my head." "Senator," a Fox news reported questioned viciously, "do you know what laundry detergent is used to clean your suits?" "What a cheap shot," Kerry fumed. "That's what Puerto Rican maids are for... Like Senator Clinton answered when she was attacked viciously, and answered, 'I don't bake cookies...',- I would have to tell you extremist, right wing reporters that those are mere details. And I leave details to others. Get that reporter's, name, by the way. He'd better hope that we don't win..."
Brilliant!
Here's a "Horse race for ya...Bush-WIN Kerry-Place Nader-Show
Had some time on our hands, did we?
(Very enjoyable!)
Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, badger...mushroom, mushroom.
Snaaake, snaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake..AHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA!!!
LOL
Is this for real?
Absolutely! How could you doubt it?
BTW I have a bridge for sale in Brooklyn if you are interested..
This should be used in TV in rebuttal to the insufferable David Letterman in his pro-socialist diatribes or maybe whatever is the contrapositive of Saturday Nite Live.
I couldn't use it on T.V. unless I had proof-read it to remove the typos! But when your wife insists that you get off of that stupid computer and take out the trash...you hurry a bit, and just push the POST button. "Suffer us the husbands..."
Cpost5. I am surely shocked. How could you imagine that a journalist like myself could fake, yes fake!, a news report?
What kind of low-life could just make up a cheap attack, by wiring together a few bits of fact, to try to mislead the public right before an election. Why, such an act would...would make the news.
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