A less flattering light..

Deep Throats | 08-December 2004 | certainly not Ron Pickrell

[pickrell]

Dateline: Washington

Several unnamed, high level sources, who recently resigned from the CIA, have just provided classified audio tapes that may shock many in the conservative community.

Their spokesman read a communique, which stated, in part, "...there are just some things more important than National Security. We've spent quite some time on this project, in the last few years, before that Goss character came over to mess everything up."

These tapes have been authenticated by experts, as the original message cassettes from the Lincoln Administration's answering machine. While the tapes are scratchy due to extreme age, the audio is still quite understandable.

Certain excerpts, which have been released to the media, are being called a major embarrassment to the Republicans, casting the founding party members in a less flattering light than originally thought.

A throng of journalists gathered around the tape player, as the evidence was exposed for the first time:

{beep} "Hi, we're the Lincolns! We're not at home right now, but at the sound of the tone, please leave a message..."

{beep} "Mr. President? This is a minor flunky over at the war department. You know how you instructed us all to plunge into this war with insufficient planning, for partisan political advantage? Well, me and some of the boys, here, are figurin' that we probably should get us some of that verification in writin', if you don't mind. You know how it is..."

{beep} "Mr. Lincoln? Yeah, this is Karl Rove's great-great grandfather, over here at the RNC. We're trying to figure out a way to end the war which will leave a permanent underclass who we can then crush under our boots, by giving tax cuts to the rich. We figure to keep this SECRET CONSPIRACY amongst ourselves. Mum's the word. If you have any thoughts, you can beep me."

{beep} "Abe? Press Secretary Twittle asked me to call you. Seems we've got a major problem here. The buzz is that Senator Tremens had a few too many to drink over the weekend, and drove his buggy off of that bridge up at Chappaquidick. The tragedy is that he had his secretary in the buggy with him. He made it to shore, and is now over at his lawyer's, right now, putting together- uh, I should say, getting his story straight- about what happened. The local constable wants to give him a field-notoriety test, but he has so-far refused. Abe, the voters obviously would never stand for this sort of behavior in a Senator. What can we do? Call me soonest..."

{beep} "-garbled- -hiss-" *** Investigator's Note: [ Apparently, at this point in the tape, what appears to be approximately three minutes of the recording has been erased, prompting many Democrats to express serious concern about what may be a troubling development for Republicans. Asked to comment further on this historical smoking gun, retired Senator Tom Daschille added dryly, "I would have to say that I find this a cause for serious concern. This development is troubling..." House minority leader Nancy Pelosi confided, "I could only call this troubling development a cause for serious concern." Several Democratic Senators agreed that the development is "...both troubling and a cause for serious concern. It really is." Whether a referral is immediately in the works to the Justice Department is unknown at this point. But certainly of serious concern. And troubling, too.]

Tape resumes:

{beep} "Abe? This is your mother. We were all wondering why you didn't show up at Thanksgiving. Uncle Stoup shouldn't really be lifting a turkey, you know, what with his trouble... Your nephew Typhus said to ask you whether you've got an exit strategy for the war, yet. We're all wondering if we're in a quagmire. Oh, and Auntie Pondrous said don't send over any more of that liniment. It doesn't seem to help the pain, and anyway, it tastes like crap. You never call anymore and you never write. It's all whining, 'Gee, Mom, I'm running a civil war, here, ya know' and 'I'm tied up trying to free an entire race, here, ma- I'm really booked solid right now.' You could always Check On Your Poor Mother, once in a while, Abe. If you were a caring son, that is..."

A CBS spokesman, when pressed about authentication, offered, "We certainly learned our lesson the last time around, and that is why we went to such extraordinary lengths to insure that no questions can possibly arise as to the authenticity of these tapes."

[jigsaw]

ROTFLMAO! (Even at this hour!)

Amongst so many gems, Yeah, this is Karl Rove's great-great grandfather is priceless. Hope someone forwards it to Karl Rove.

[NC Native]

Mheh.

[shibumi]

This tape brought to you by the same folks who gave you "...integrity, integrity, integrity..."

[pickrell]

Never mix Dewar's Single Malt Scotch, with equal parts of a Inya CD on the player, and time on your hands....

It's an ugly picture .... :-)

[jigsaw]

It's an ugly picture .... :-)

But beautifully expressed! Keep writing (please!)

[Waco]

Never trust a guy that wears a beard or bow tie. Gravitas is where it's at.

[international american]

"Several unnamed, high level sources, "

Ah, more high level souses!