Posted on 12/14/2004 6:45:05 PM PST by gonzo
Date : 2004-12-13
CANADA –
MORE THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW ©
by Norman Liebmann
Recently, Canadians voted America the country they are most likely to lose patience with. Canadians have the same bitchy attitude toward America that the Québécois have toward the rest of Canada. The French-Canadians, like their cousins in Europe, have the mindset of a committee that cannot be brought to order. Their aversion to America makes the designation, French-Canadian, a self-contained redundancy. Their emotional climate of whininess is probably because Canadians haven’t figured out a way to cry on their own shoulders.
The only aspect of our trading relationship with Canada that is functioning at all is that we send them defectors, and they send us terrorists.
It is time something was said about all this contempt and petulant name-calling oozing across our Northern border. Canadians do not reckon that, if not for the United States, they would have a common border with Mexico, with thousands of illegal aliens slogging knee deep through their snowdrifts screaming, “Where th’ fuck are the avocado trees?”
The operative question is - where in Scripture does it say America must take all this flak from Canadians? Americans will do well to consider that there has got to be a better alternative to being trashed, and suffering in silence the slanders from these slow learners. If nothing else, we should shop around for a country who can insult us more artfully than the Canadians. Being told how to conduct our foreign affairs by Canada is like having your grammar corrected by an illiterate.
Apparently, hating the United States has given Canada something it never had before – a national identity. If Canada ever intends to have an identity crises it must first conduct a scavenger hunt for an identity. The conventional wisdom is, if there were no such place as Canada, nobody would bother to make one up. If it is not a Never-Never-Land, it is certainly a Hardly-Ever-Land. Still, Canada considers itself a picture postcard among nations, which it figures is enough to justify its existence.
Canada is everybody’s friend – hence nobody’s friend. Every Islamic atrocity prompts the Canucks to look the other way. Every shifty shenanigan by the United Nations gets their standing O. There is no despotic regime on the planet with which Canada has not metaphorically exchanged friendship rings. When Al Qaeda blew up their train, the US offered Spain help, while Canada just crooned the consolation message “There, there, now, now”. Somehow that doesn’t seem like enough. As far as Canadians are concerned, the trains in Spain can go mainly down the drain. In terms of the Islamic peril, Canada has declared a moratorium on reality.
Most Americans consider Canada a suburb of Buffalo, N.Y. Canada never seems to lose its amateur standing. Going across our Northern border is like stepping into a student film. Canada is worse than a socialist bureaucracy. It is an ACLU wet dream. Canada has metaphorically broken through the sound barrier of socialism and is into bureaucratic breast-feeding. It is almost a total welfare state, and even the weightlifters that Canada sends to the Olympic Games count on their government in Ottawa to do the heavy lifting.
Culturally, Canada is the Jerry Springer show without the sex and violence. It is Holland without marihuana. (The Dutch only started smoking “pot” when they realized it was easier to keep lit than tulips.) Being in Canada is like sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and catching up on two year old issues of Hygiene Today, No matter what Canada offers, you have to wait your turn to get it. Americans who have vacationed there compare its dormancy to a Yale/Harvard football game. Anyone who has ever been to Canada knows there’s nothing happening there every moment. It appears to be going through a national menopause. Somehow they’ve managed to capture apathy in a bottle. Their pedestrian mindset remains pristine. Its inhabitants thrive on inertia, believing that nothing should happen for the first time, and if it should – it shouldn’t be now. Canadians carry a valium in their wallet – for identification.
This near-tundra to the North is governed by a policy of moderation-overkill. Its culture is gearing down and its political throttle is set for deceleration. The Canucks have become increasingly indecisive. In Canada, not everything that wobbles is Jell-O. Its undistinguished elected officials are the bland leading the bland. (The United Nations should be moved to Canada where its morbidity will go unnoticed.)
If Canada has failed to do much of anything to advance civilization, it’s probably because they are waiting for a break in the weather. Canada is Antarctica with medical benefits. The Canadian Weather Bureau could shut down due to a lack of interest. After they predict cold, they’ve said it all. Asked when summer is coming, one meteorologist replied, “Last year it fell on a Tuesday”. In Canada, it is the middle of July before their sex toys get warm enough to abuse themselves with. You know it is cold when you see a caribou trying to “get it on” with a room heater. Up there even the viruses wear earmuffs.
Our neighbors to the north are experiencing an epidemic of secularism. This is a gesture tantamount to dropping their pants and mooning the scriptures. It is not a case of religiosity versus atheism, but morality versus amorality. It suffices to say, Canadians don’t believe in God, and He doesn’t believe in them – so it’s a wash.
Canada has become a catchall for every immature loony tunes ideological bauble that academe has strung together– e.g. the puerile blasphemy that bounced around the U.S. years ago that God is a woman has just recently made it across the border into Manitoba. It is no wonder that Canada has become the Powder Room of North America.
CANADA: THE EFFEMINATE IMPERATIVE
When most Americans think of Canada, they think of the incomparable Wayne Gretzky - and a few other guys. In that light Americans consider Canada not so much a realm as a rink. It emerges now that Canada has not been a country, but a closet. When we drive across the border our eyebrows are raised at reading road signs that alert us, “Drive lovingly. You Are Entering Wuss Country”.
For Americans, as a nation, Canada’s testosterone level is down a quart. Canada is now over the border, not only territorially, but morally, since it decided to turn itself into some kind of a sexual Cuisinart – a gender blender so to speak. Canada has become a frozen same-sex lovers’ lane. It is not unusual to see two guys “getting it on” in the back seat of a Zamboni machine. That way they can bad mouth America while they good mouth each other.
Legislators in Ottawa have legalized same-sex marriage, based on their contention that heterosexual intercourse is cruel and unusual punishment – particularly the way Canadians do it. Canada rationalizes homosexuality as the height of Man’s Humanity to Man, although, frequently, it’s not their vows but their devotion to bondage that holds them together. Doubtless this legalization of sodomy will be endorsed by the United Nations – where nothing is considered disgusting. Canucks may soon be obliged to carry Proof of Gender, which confirms that Canadians cannot get by on their looks. (Women there who cannot get circumcised can at least get secularized.) The silver lining is that same-sex marriage does not guarantee homosexuals will be able to reproduce themselves, only the right to try. At any rate, it will hold the Canadian birth rate to a manageable limit. Academics will call it the population implosion.
Elizabeth Taylor is reported as having said, “Without homosexuals there would be no Hollywood”. Americans failed to assess this as a caution, but Canada managed to grasp it as an opportunity. Canada opened its doors to defectors, dissidents, misfits, malcontents, and choreographers. It is favorite zone of campus agitators. (One might describe these sullen dropouts as protesters whose “protesticles” have not yet descended). They are people who failed in America and saw Canadian citizenship as a consolation prize. In any event, by going to Canada young men avail themselves of the convenience of being able to defect from their nation and their gender at the same time. (Some enterprising gays who headed north to find “Mr. Right” were disappointed when they found out a husky is a dog, and not a "minty" guy who’s built like Arnold Schwarzennegger. In much of Canada the homosexual male has replaced the dog as “man’s best friend”.)
Canada is a regional boutique. The maple leaf is no longer its national symbol, but an item of lingerie (presumably one size fits all.) It is a cross between Shangri-la and a Same-Sex Dating Game. America’s obligation to its posterity is to keep America from getting Canada-ized.
Canada is becoming North America’s laboratory for experiments in trans-gynecology. Implanting time-release estrogen dispensers will prevent relapses of masculinity. It is developing a sidesaddle mentality that is making it into a kind of landlocked unisex Princess Cruise.
Being the most recent nation to embrace sodomy, the Canadians have joined the list of the heretics-come-lately. It is difficult to understand this sudden obsession with sex, since it is rumored the average Canadian male thinks like a moose and is hung like a canary.
TOURIST ADVISORY
In response to the burgeoning stampede of gays heading north, Amtrak is considering adding extra cars on its train to Canada and re-naming it, The Transgender Express. The train schedule has this caveat: [Note: When passengers travel on the Orient Express they do not become Oriental - but when they travel on the Transgender Express – anything is possible.]
Here are some other conversions visitors to Canada might observe:
When two men parade around town dressed in white bridal gowns Canadians say (believe it or not) “they’re getting “serious”. Tourists who see them say, “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”. When two guys get married, the ceremony is conducted by a choreographer to remind them that they’re taking “a big step” - and a few small ones. To maintain the symbolism of same-sex union, the bridal bouquet is thrown from a dirigible. On their honeymoon the happy couple will go over Niagara Falls in a gondola. How romantic!
Same-sex homes have framed samplers on the wall that read “Depravity begins at home”.
Children play a same-sex version of “Doctor” saying, "I’ll show you mine if you show me mine”.
Canadian bumper stickers read “Get Quaint”.
In Canadian Westerns, The Lone Ranger has renamed his horse Vivian. He and Tonto decide to take separate vacations. (Tonto goes to Vermont and meets someone new.)
No one can be denied breast implants because of gender. Political correctness requires that females no longer be called women, but be referred to as mammary persons.
In the Canadian correctional system, condemned prisoners who marry each other await their execution on Honeymoon Row.
Canada, the Country, will become known as Canada, the Musical. The Alcan Highway will be renamed The Alcan Promenade, and will join Saskatchewan with Schubert Alley.
The caribou no longer walk - they skip.
The office of Prime Minister has been abolished and replaced with a maitre d’.
To avoid sex discrimination, obstetricians will greet new parents with the ambiguous announcement - Congratulations! It’s a Canadian!
Elton John has been officially designated as Canada’s national bird.
The Canadian Mounted Police still wear those becoming red coats, but with complementary ruby slippers. Their slogan “We always get our man” has taken on a whole ‘nuther meaning. (They will soon be receiving sensitivity training from the Iraqi Police who never hurt anyone because they don’t know how.)
The NHL will add a new hockey team appropriately called the Gay Blades. The new national ethos will make some basic changes in Canada’s national game. The game will be played with limp hockey stocks and a pink puck. Gay defectors seeing the game for the first time will try to twist open the puck to see if there are any methamphetamines inside them. The referee are there to determine what’s fair and what’s fairy. The penalty box will be replaced by a corner where players can stand and sulk. The winner of the Stanley Cup will be decided by the United Nations Security Council.
And this final glimpse …
Canada is not perfect, but if it is, let’s just say perfection ain’t what it used to be. The trouble with Canada is, it’s full of Canadians.
Please address all comments to firehat.
Here we go again..............FRegards
Yes by golly,we are a nation of whiners and snivelers assuming you only count the people located in the important parts of Canada which of course may only be the parts of Canada that the whiners and snivelers say are important...hey you hosers in the USA..doesn't this scenario remind you of your left coast?
I was ready to skip this but the writer nails Northern Surrenderstan perfectly.
Whew!
This quite easily qualifies as the mother of all diatribes. If I were Canadian I probably wouldn't know what hit me!
This tirade is perhaps unfair, but I must admit it wrung a chuckle or two from me.
A gem amongst gems!
As a Buffalo kid, I used to love going across the Peace Bridge to Canada. Now I wish we'd tear down the bridge.
Norm, keep writing! Your wit is a treasure.
Thank you, poster, for reminding me about Norm. Too funny.
Anyone remember the one he did about the lady, I think in Florida, who wanted to be able to wear her veil for her pic on her driver's license? Another really good one.
I love Firehat, thanks gonzo!:D
Thanks gonzo. Thanks Norm :>)
Too bad everyone doesn't understand the deft art of comedic satire. Firehat writes in the wickedly-best traditions of historical American and British humorists/satirists (Twain, Parker, Wilde, Rogers, Swift) who used the stiletto rather than the sledgehammer to drive home political points.
Leni
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