Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Oh yes those are my sentiments exactly.
I own my condo and am treated slightly pittingly by the other condo members who are all married and either have kids or are planning ot have them very soon.
I absolutely want and am looking forward to settling down to a traditional lifestyle, I just got a later start on things (taking care of a very ill mother for years) and I dont want to get married to just anyone.
Much better to really adore the guy I am with and be able to emotionally and mentally give my future kid sthe best me possible.
Id love to tell this to the semi strangers who treat me like a spinster (Im not even 30 yet!)
Argh.
We've been married over 10 years and have always wanted kids. We were in an adoption situation that went bad after over a year of having the child in our home. Having been on both sides of the fence, we know we really want kids. It's an adjustment but also a source of constant entertainment and unconditional love.
The brilliance is elsewhere.
Rats... I missed it ;~D
I blame that on my kids - they are a bad influence.
The West is doomed if we don't breed more.
Great! I've got that saved :-).
My mom used to always say that having children is like taking vacations. If you wait until you can afford them you'll never have them......................
My mother said,"I hope you have 10 exactly like you". That's all it took; married for 37 years and no children.
DH and I nearly split up over this as well. We're 12 years apart (me younger) and when we first got together (I was 28) he wanted them and I wasn't ready yet. Then there was 10 years of dealing with his newfound substance abuse problem (long LONG story), then when I finally got him cleaned up and wanted kids he didn't anymore. With him at age 50 I can't say I could blame him.
The "selfish" label makes me want to throw up. I intentionally didn't bring any into a marriage that was in real rough shape, with one partner who was baked out of his mind 90% of the time, on the brink of divorce for 10 years, and I'M SELFISH? Bollocks. I did a kid a big favor by not dragging them into that situation.
I've (mostly) made peace with the situation - sometimes in life you get the present, sometimes you get the box, but the continued chastisement from the "you're selfish" crowd can be painful beyond belief.
LQ
At what point is anyone in America without hope???????
Congratulations! Me too.
Well, they also don't live very long, their current fad being to strap bombs on themselves for questionable gain.
Certainly the reason to have children is not so that we can throw them into the fray against the Muslim population. I'd rather solve the trouble with terrorist Muslims in ~our~ time.
I appreciate your post, especially where you acknowledge God's decision. I trust if and when it is time for you to have children, that the Lord will prepare your heart to desire it.
Oh yeah it's dumb alright. My favorite part is at the end when she says she wants a celebration like a baby shower, but for NOT having kids.
My husband and I are like you and your fiance, we are both 29 and have been married for 4 1/2 years. Mr. RK and I have always been on the fence about having kids, but now are leaning towards maybe yes instead of maybe no, but just not right now. For some reason all the women in my family who have been having babies lately have all been older then traditional mothers (34-36), so we don't feel rushed. If God sees fit to bless us with a baby we will not question it.
New Year's Resolution: Do NOT read any FreeRepublic threads about awful public schools/teachers/childless couples...I always walk away feeling dirty!
That's an astute observation. Sadly, it really does seem to come down to that, for some of the married-with-children folks. Kind of ironic...
What exactly is "selfish" about not having kids?
I want specifics.
If my husband and I spend a lot of time discussing the matter and decide that we are not cut out to be parents, how is that "selfish"?
If I decide that my desire to have kids is not strong enough to take the chance of having physical problems in pregnancy or delivery, or of having post-partum depression, how on earth is that "selfish"?
If we pray for God's guidance, and he makes it clear to us that we are not called to be parents, how is that "selfish"?
If we have more money to give away to needy people, how is that "selfish"?
If we have personalities that predispose us to being most mentally healthy and happy with a quiet household, and to being happy and satisfied with just the two of us, how is that "selfish"?
Someone please give a rational, intellectual explanation for this "selfish" thing.
I am so sorry to hear about the adoption situation. That must have been heart-breaking. I do pray that the Lord will use the time you spent with that precious child. And I pray that He will give you the desires of your heart. God bless you.
Good! These people sound like self-centered liberals who voted for JF'nK. They can join the pro-abortion group and the homo/les group and within 30 years the Democrat Party will be practically extinct. Just don't come to my kids or grandkids for help when you get old, you biological duds.
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