Posted on 01/03/2005 8:31:56 AM PST by qam1
Nita and Ken Eaton hit the stores last month, as they do every Christmas, to find just the right gifts for the youngsters on their shopping list.
The carefully chosen presents weren't for their youngsters but for their nieces and nephews.
The Eatons are part of a small but growing segment of American couples who have chosen not to have children.
"We spend a lot of time thinking about what we're going to get our nieces and nephews for Christmas. We want to get them something meaningful," said Nita Eaton, 38.
The Eatons, married for five years, never had the desire to become parents.
"People used to always say: 'Your clock is ticking. You'll change your mind. It's different when they're your own,' " Nita said. "When I worked in a law firm, we were all in the age group to have kids, and I'd go to baby shower after baby shower, and I'd have to say honestly that it never hit me."
Many childless couples say they find themselves drifting away from friends once children are added to the mix.
"We started feeling sort of socially isolated," said Andrea Wenker, 33, of Colorado Springs. "Our friends started having babies and their lives changed. It revolves around the kids, and for good reason. The kind of things you used to do with your friends aren't an option anytime.
"They're talking about childbirth and diapers. It's important to their lives, but you start feeling, 'I'm still here, I'm still a person.' You start to feel kind of invisible."
She and Peter, her husband of 13 years, are childless by choice, and she is the coordinator of Denver Metro NO KIDDING!, one of 101 chapters of an international social group of more than 10,000 couples and singles without children. The Colorado group has about 200 members, 10 to 20 of whom typically attend the monthly get-togethers.
Jerry Steinberg, of Vancouver, British Columbia, calls himself the founding non-father of NO KIDDING! He started the group in 1983, he said via e-mail, because he was losing friends as they started to have children.
"They were no longer available for phone conversations, getting together for coffee or lunch, going to see movies, or much else," he said.
"Most people who have children seem to understand why I felt the need for a social club for child-free people, since people usually like to socialize with others who share at least some of their interests and have a similar lifestyle. After all, most, if not all, of (parents') friends were made through their kids' activities - the soccer moms get together, the softball dads meet, the school parents become friends, etc."
The number of childless-by-choice couples can't easily be determined, but anecdotal evidence indicates that their ranks are growing.
The Census Bureau doesn't ask whether couples are childless by choice, but the bureau projects that the percentage of families with children under 18 will decline from 47.7 percent in 1995 to 41.3 percent by 2010.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 6.6 percent of American women said they were voluntarily childless in 1995, the last time researchers asked the question. The number was up from 4.9 percent in 1982 and 6.2 percent in 1988.
The State of Our Unions, a 2003 report by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, reported Census Bureau projections that families with children will make up only 28 percent of U.S. households by 2010, the lowest number in at least a century.
"The underlying reason that there are fewer children is basically that women have other things to do," said David Popenoe, sociology professor at Rutgers and co-director of the National Marriage Project.
"Child-rearing in modern times is expensive and can be onerous, especially after you've been living as a single person or a couple without children for a while."
The decision to choose children, however, ultimately is very rewarding, he said.
"Over the long term, it's people who have children who are the happiest," said Popenoe.
Childless couples are used to hearing that their choice is either selfish or motivated by a dislike of children.
"I think it's being honest about what your priorities are and how you use them," said Wenker. "It doesn't mean everything's about you all the time. People don't decide to be parents because they're being philanthropic; it's because they want kids."
Nita Eaton works with children as a school psychologist.
"I like kids a lot and work with them in school," she said. "I see kids out there who don't have parents. That really played into my decision. If I decided to have kids, I'd go adopt one."
Population issues drive some decisions about whether to bear children.
"Whether or not I want to have kids is not the only consideration," said Wenker. "I believe there's a problem with population, serious issues with the environment, and I believe I have to be part of the solution."
Would-be parents should carefully consider their choice, said Ken Eaton, 42.
"It's a big decision that needs to be well-thought-out. There are a lot of unwanted kids out there. People didn't take the time to think about whether they would take the time to raise them."
Couples without children say they have more time to spend with their spouses and for volunteering.
The Eatons have three greyhounds and are board members of Rocky Mountain Greyhound Adoption, which they doubt they could do if they had children.
"They take a lot of time, energy and motivation. One has various autoimmune issues, one had a leg amputated, the other had a viral infection and has pretty bad arthritis," said Ken Eaton.
Having siblings who have children, say childless couples, tends to turn down the heat on family expectations to produce grandchildren.
Nita Eaton has three brothers with children, and all three of Ken's siblings have children.
"If I were an only child, I think, the pressure would be pretty great," Nita said. "I've always been pretty outspoken. My mom's pretty much backed off."
In a culture where parenthood is the norm, those who choose to bypass the baby boom often have their decisions questioned.
"Nobody's deliberately nasty," said Wenker. "From men, I get an odd reaction. The reaction (Peter) gets is, they get this look in their eyes that he's lucky. They like to get me to admit it's possible I'll change my mind. What I have to say to that is 'It doesn't seem likely' and 'It's just not an option.'
"I like my life. My husband and I have a very close relationship. We value the time between the two of us and can't imagine that interrupted. I've never regretted it."
Nita Eaton said she felt like an outsider when they moved into a neighborhood filled with young children.
"The woman who sold us our house said the neighbors had been asking how many kids we have," she said.
There is no cultural celebratory template for women who decide not to have children.
"I've thrown baby showers for girlfriends, and it's kind of this rite of passage," said Wenker. "We're going to buy you presents to get you started and treat you like Queen for a Day. It doesn't occur to anybody to celebrate a child-free woman in that way."
Your's and many others expediency and survival exceptions are noted.
I do however know plenty of women...mostly non-Southern who need validating outside the home.
Another trend I've noticed are stay at home moms who do not raise their kids (and some are Southern). They play tennis, shop and join women's groups to talk about being women. I have a number of them on my street. Wives of doctors and lawyers and such.
Regards and good luck with the keyboard.
I am not a fem-bot. But I do not want to be told that as a woman, my only contribution to society is to breed.
Some women have brilliant minds, special skills, wonderful ideas. And it would be a shame if we returned to the days were women were relegated to the kitchen and nursery.
Certainly there is something to be said for a woman staying at home with young children, if it is possible and if she wants to. But that doesn't mean she can't have a rewarding career if she wants one.
This is the twenty-first century, is it not?
I'm still waiting for someone to explain how not having kids is selfish.
Obviously, I feel strongly about this topic because we have decided not to have kids. If women's only value to society is to breed, and I'm not breeding, then I guess my life is worthless. (sarcasm off)
Lump of labor fallacy.
I looked it up and you are right. In 1915 the death rate was 6% in childbirth. I think I was recalling a statistic I heard on a program about the time of Henry VIII, which was a few hundred years ago.
Well, it's probably just one of the many reasons some married folks don't want kids. I don't see anything wrong with it.
And tantrums I'm familiar with to a certain degree. My little niece, whom I love more than any other child in the world, has lately been attempting to get somewhat expert at them...
And please don't get me wrong. I understand that even the best parents sometimes can't control their kids' behavior. It seems a safe bet that all of us were brats in public at one time or another when we were kids. :-)
And then there are probably at least a few downright evil children out there who may never have the capacity to learn to control themselves. But that might be veering a bit off topic...
I never argued it is.
I bet a dollar, not a one of them had a stay at home mama; nor was one home schooled.
You're probably right about home-schooled kids being well-behaved. But substitute "stay at home mama" with "stay at home welfare mama" and the picture changes a bit...
So does being outgoing and liking people.
My father passed away at home in July. We had some wonderful help from the Hospice. You are doing a great service to the dying and their families. Thank you very much!
There have always been people who were unsuitable as parents, even fifty years ago. Children did get beat up or abused by bad parents. HOwever, the social pressure back then was far greater to have children. That the pressure has been ameliorated, that we acknowledge some people should not be parents, speaks to progress, not scandal.
Interesting comments. Thanks for the post.
I am glad you've made the best peace possible with your situation.
I think that might be covered on a thread or two around here, if I'm not mistaken. :)
Why? I won't give it another thought. But I guess there go your conservative credentials.
"At eighteen, I got to watch my daughter walk down the aisle."
WOW! You must have been a miracle baby to have had the ability to procreate!
I guess you missed the context! ;-)
I was responding to the poster who was talking about the joys associated with their sixteen year-old dog! LOL...
Good point. It's often simply assumed.
Thanks for your reply.
I saw a statistic that said that in 1900 there were 850 deaths of mothers in childbirth per 100,000 births. Apparently in those days some women, on discovering their pregnancy, would write heart wrenching letters (to be opened in case of death) of goodbye to their loved ones.
Actually, I happen to think that lots of people shouldn't even get married (at least to each other), much less have kids. OTOH, when it all comes together, it is precious beyond description.
My mother, who was quite religious, often said that our main reason for being on earth was perpetuation of the species. I personally don't argue with that.
Still, being a parent is not the right thing for many.
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