It Is Finally Time To Exit The Oldsmobile (Iowahawk Guest Commentary by Senator Edward M. Kennedy)

[hipaatwo]

Like all Americans, I had high hopes for the future of the Oldsmobile and its passengers, as we struggle against the onrushing water and its poorly-designed shoulder belts. But as claustrophobia sets in we must begin to sober up and face the truth: hope is no longer an option.

It is time for us to recognize that our continued presence in this volatile region is a hinderance to the Oldsmobile and its people. Rather than helping the situation we are further weighing down the Oldsmobile, causing it to sink faster and faster into the quagmire of Chappaquidick Bay, creating a dangerous situation for both ourselves as well as its passengers who are desperately seeking an air pocket in which to start a better life.

That is why I believe we have reached the point where we must take a deep breath and immediately depart the Oldsmobile. We must seek through the watery darkness and release the belt latch of madness that has kept us here, and reach out for a sane and honorable window crank.

Obviously there will be passengers in the Oldsmobile who do not want us to leave, and will likely try to grasp and grab at our feet as we depart. While we wish them success, it is critical that these passengers quickly learn independence and self-determination. The most effective way to teach them is through example, and with a vigorous kick-off. Let us hope they will cherish our shoes as a lasting legacy of our commitment to liberty.

And, after we return to the safety of the American shore and phone our lawyer, we must begin to ask the hard questions. How did we get here? The sad answer is that we were sold a lie by Gene Quinlan of Hyannisport Oldsmobile-Buick-GMC. We were told that this Oldsmobile had the Delta 88 Royale option package with 6-way electric seats. We were told that they were sold out of the new '69 Toronado. We were given a choice of a burgundy vinyl roof, but never given an exit strategy. We were told, repeatedly, that the Oldsmobile was waterproof and had an automatic pilot system. In short, Gene Quinlan sold us a lie.

There will be ample time for us to reflect on the mistakes and lies of the Oldsmobile misadventure, and hold those who were responsible to account. But that is for another day. Now we must focus our energy on getting out before it is too late.

Come home, America. Come home.

[hipaatwo]

oooops sorry, here's link


http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2005/01/it_is_finally_t.html

[Drammach]

This is a Classic... an absolute classic..
Here's hoping Teddy reads it and has an apoplectic fit..

Here's hoping every Liberal in America reads it and chokes on their own "bile"..

Here's hoping..

[i_dont_chat]

Ironic, isn't it, that Ted Swimmer Kennedy is talking about an EXIT strategy. Apparently, he always has one!

[A.A. Cunningham]

If Ted Kennedy drove a Volkswagen, he'd be President today

It floats.

The way our body is built, we'd be surprised if it didn't. The sheet of flat steel that goes underneath every Volkswagen keeps out water, as well as dirt and salt and other nasty things that can eat away at the underside of a car. So it's watertight at the bottom. And everybody knows it's easier to shut the door on a Volkswagen after you've rolled down the window a little.

That proves it's practically airtight on top. If it was a boat, we could call it the Water Bug. But it's not a boat, it's a car.

And, like Mary Jo Kopechne, it's only 99 and 44/100 percent pure. So it won't stay afloat forever. Just long enough. Poor Teddy. If he'd been smart enough to buy a Volkswagen, he never would have gotten into hot water.

http://www.bizbag.com/Cartoons/kennedy.htm

[Wally_Kalbacken]

Too bad they were sold out of the new '69 Toronado. Ted would have enjoyed the roomy front seat and maybe the FWD would have gotten them all the way to the other side of the bridge. But then Mary Jo would be looking back with guilt on an abortion in late '69 or, in the alternative, be the single mom of a chubby, alcoholic a**hole (Lil' Ted). So maybe it wasn't....

[JohnBovenmyer]

No way would Ted Kennedy ever have driven a Beetle. First, he'd have been laughed out of his cocktail parties for arriving in such unpretentious wheels. Second, how could he make out with the babes in a Beetle. Do in in the back seat? You could hardly wedge two adults upright into it. Do it in the front bucket seats? Marginally possible, but hardly comfortable. And he already had back problems from his earlier plane crash. I suppose you could pop the moon roof and do it standing up, but would both Teddy and his date de jour be sober enough to stand up at such times?