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Toy Soldiers - (Hilarious G.I. Joe Diary of his capture by Al Qaeda!)
Tech Central Station ^ | 2/2/05

Posted on 02/02/2005 7:22:35 AM PST by areafiftyone


19 January 2005: The Slinky betrayed us. I should have known. I never trusted him. He was an unstable character, always going back and forth, back and forth, never showing a shred of backbone. "Come, senor, I know the way to the insurgents' headquarters," he rasped. The fact that he was an Arab toy speaking with a stereotypical Spanish accent should have tipped me off. But hindsight is always 20/20. Literally. I can turn my head 360 degrees

I only knew my men by their code names, but even in that short space of time we shared a bond that only six-inch plastic combatants can truly understand. They were my family, my brothers in petroleum-based products. One night we all melted the tips of our fingers and became plastic brothers.

"My spider-sense is tingling," muttered "Peter Parker," as he flexed his fingers on his M16. We were all on edge, and our quirks were coming to the fore. "Prince Adam" kept waving his weapon in the air, hollering "By the power of Grayskull!" Damn Wiccans. "Hugh Jackman" had huddled deeply into his trenchcoat, whispering "Am I Wolverine or Van Helsing?" to anyone who made the mistake of standing next to him. And "Elmo" kept singing his goofy song. "Elmo loves his rifle/His bullets, too…"

The insurgents caught us by surprise in that deserted Iraqi backyard. BBs perforated the sullen quiet of the hot Iraqi afternoon. Firecrackers sizzled and roared around us in a symphony of extremity-disintegrating horror. Mean little kids stomped us with the hard soles of their brand-new Keds -- weapons of mass destruction. And the gentlest one of us all lost it completely. "Elmo is thinking about genocide!" he screamed, as he unleashed a hail of foam darts upon our adversaries. "Elmo is Death, destroyer of worlds!" War does awful things to toys.

I tried to remember my training. My old drill sergeant, G.I. Joe, had put me through worse than this. "Are you gonna MOR yet, maggot?" he would scream, as he tied me to the wheel of a 10-speed Schwinn. (MOR: Melted On Request.) 'Sir, no, sir!" I would scream, even as the gravel scraped the paint off my face. He pushed me and prodded me, but he made me the action figure I am today. Just before Water Survival training, he gave me a piece of advice I'll always remember: "Son, when you get right down to it, you have no nerve endings." Then he flushed me down the toilet.

A repulsive splatting sound above my head brought me back to the present. "Gas! GAS!" We scrambled in vain for our gas masks as a haze of vaporous death descended upon us. Mustard gas? Try beans and broccoli. The last thing I remember was the leering visage of our hated enemy, the puppet master of al Qaeda, peering down on us.

The CIA lied. The bombs in Bora Bora hadn't killed him after all.

24 January 2005: The interrogators were relentless. But I gave them only my name, rank, and UPC code.

They mocked my fear. "It better here than American prison, yes? We read all about atrocities performed on Iraqi action figure POWs."

"What happened at the Island of Misfit Toys," I hissed, "was not policy. That was just some crazy rogue reindeer, screwing around unsupervised. Santa Claus will still be confirmed by 75-80 votes in the Senate."

As I huddle in the shoebox that will soon define the four corners of my world, my thoughts turn to my wife, Barbie; my brother, Fireman Rescue Hero; and my son, Lego Luke Skywalker. I must be strong for them.

I've had to be strong all my life. It's hard to be a poor plastic kid in a video-game world, and even harder when you're an immigrant -- I was made in China. My mother was a Chinese novelty factory and my father was a petroleum by-products distributor who just played around with my mother and then disappeared. Nobody wanted a soldier toy in Clinton's nineties, so I made my way playing minimum-wage gigs like "Thug #3" in the Hudson Hawk action figure line. But after a shameful night of drinking nail polish remover and driving a Mattel remote-control car full of underage Jem sidekicks into a telephone pole, a judge gave me a choice: an Army enlistment, or a Goodwill box. I chose the former.

The elite Action Figure corps took me for my menacing glower, sculpted abs, and gift for languages. After taking several crash language courses at the Army facility in Monterrey, I could speak all the major tongues. Monchichi. Teddy Bear. Cabbage Patch. Smurf.

The rubber bands chafe my wrists, and I haven't had a decent meal from an Easy-Bake oven in days. My Eastern-European-looking guard is clear proof that the Russians are helping the insurgents. He's always shrieking "One! One captured American soldier! Ha ha ha!" Then he counts my grenades, over and over again.

I'll get you for this, Evil Bert.

31 January 2005: Today my captors took my picture outside, in front of a special banner that was deliberately repetitive and misspelled in order to honor the stuttering illiterates of Iraq.

"Is good," said Evil Bert, sounding like a cross between Andy Kaufman and Dr. Nick Riviera. "Now decadent American press will see picture on our website and report that live American soldier held captive. Momentum from election blunted. Boxer-Kennedy win in 2008!"

"No chance, you unibrowed monster," I growled. "There's no way that America's mainstream media would ever fall for such a ruse. The second you post that picture on the Internet, crack investigative teams from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and The New York Times and, above all, CBS News will be on hand to check facts, verify data, and offer uncompromising insights into the validity of your photograph, even if doing so will force them to lose a potential scoop while indirectly aiding the Bush administration."

"No, no," replied Evil Bert, "American soldier not use humor to build bond between himself and captors. You funny guy, soldier boy, but we still gonna blend you in Cuisinart."

"It doesn't matter what you do, because the validity of those elections still stands. You think all of those blue fingers are manufacturing defects? Iraq has embraced democracy, Mr. What's-Your-Thing-With-Ernie, and the fate of one action figure won't change anything."

Evil Bert grabbed his turban from his head and threw it to the ground. "Screw you, action figure! There was no real election… the TV footage is all fake! Blue ink is easy to distribute! And election invalid anyway because not enough Sunnis voted. And Supreme Court may call for recount. And New York Times still not convinced. And…and…Jews! All their fault! Everything their fault! Jews! And Ernie only Platonic friend! Backrubs and handholding not any big deal! Ooooh…stupid American!" He stormed off.

1 February 2005: I have bribed a guard to fax this document. (The guard seems to be a hairy Mediterranean fellow with big buggy eyes and a passion for cookies. Strange.) I am sending this fax to the only person I can trust: Lucy Ramirez, somewhere in Texas. If this document appears elsewhere, you'll know that the lying irresponsible blogosphere is to blame.

I've slipped a sharpened staple into my boot. Soon I'll break out of here. I'll get new, better accessories, the kind that aren't legal in the US. Maybe a plastic missile that shoots out of my butt. Yeah, that's the ticket.

I will put out the eyes of Iraqi insurgents with my unsafe features. I will carry on the fight for freedom, one poorly-balanced step at a time.

I am John "Cody" Adam. Soon-to-be-former hostage. American action figure. And damned proud of it.

The author is a frequent TCS contributor. He recently wrote about the Monster and the Nursery.



TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: actionfigure; anamericansoldier; banglist; cody; gijoe; hoax; iraq; johnadam; laughbreak; terrorwar; toy; toys; waronterror
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1 posted on 02/02/2005 7:22:35 AM PST by areafiftyone
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To: areafiftyone
Sounds like a great idea for a film, Toy Story: Toys at War!
2 posted on 02/02/2005 7:25:29 AM PST by GeronL (2-7-72 is my birthday, in lieu of gifts, just send me cash)
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To: areafiftyone

ROFLMAO BTTT!!!


3 posted on 02/02/2005 7:25:53 AM PST by NonValueAdded ("We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good" HRC 6/28/2004)
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To: areafiftyone
The Slinky betrayed us. I should have known. I never trusted him.

That would have to be the beginning of the film, with a flashback from before the capture.

4 posted on 02/02/2005 7:26:12 AM PST by GeronL (2-7-72 is my birthday, in lieu of gifts, just send me cash)
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To: GeronL

It would make a hilarious movie!


5 posted on 02/02/2005 7:28:18 AM PST by areafiftyone (The Democrat's Mind: The Hamster's dead but the wheel's still spinning!)
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To: areafiftyone

This is hilarious!!!!


6 posted on 02/02/2005 7:28:39 AM PST by AirForceMom (God Bless America!)
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To: areafiftyone
But I gave them only my name, rank, and UPC code.

LOL

7 posted on 02/02/2005 7:30:22 AM PST by cinives (On some planets what I do is considered normal.)
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To: areafiftyone
"What happened at the Island of Misfit Toys," I hissed, "was not policy."

(cleaning keyboard).... I think IowaHawk has some competition at last.

8 posted on 02/02/2005 7:30:55 AM PST by Uncle Fud
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To: All

Priceless!


9 posted on 02/02/2005 7:32:09 AM PST by jigsaw (God Bless Our Troops.)
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To: areafiftyone
I saved the thread for reading again and again =o)

I love the Ironhawk stuff too.

10 posted on 02/02/2005 7:32:12 AM PST by GeronL (2-7-72 is my birthday, in lieu of gifts, just send me cash)
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To: areafiftyone

Outstanding!


11 posted on 02/02/2005 7:32:13 AM PST by EggsAckley
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To: GeronL

The person who wrote this has a wonderful imagination!


12 posted on 02/02/2005 7:33:32 AM PST by areafiftyone (The Democrat's Mind: The Hamster's dead but the wheel's still spinning!)
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To: areafiftyone


The terrorists must have watched Team America. They thought they were being invaded by puppet figures. So, they captured GI Joe doll from the local toy store.




13 posted on 02/02/2005 7:37:22 AM PST by TomGuy (America: Best friend or worst enemy. Choose wisely.)
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Comment #14 Removed by Moderator

To: mhking

Michael, check this one out!


15 posted on 02/02/2005 7:50:19 AM PST by NonValueAdded ("We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good" HRC 6/28/2004)
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To: areafiftyone; MeekOneGOP; grellis

This is a classic!!

Thanks for finding this laugh, made my morning


16 posted on 02/02/2005 7:51:30 AM PST by backinthefold (My heart goes out to the poor family of John Adam (bless their (plastic) heart)
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To: areafiftyone

Hilarious! Thanks for posting this!


17 posted on 02/02/2005 7:52:02 AM PST by knittnmom
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To: areafiftyone

is Dan Rather all over this??


18 posted on 02/02/2005 7:52:35 AM PST by Mr. K
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To: areafiftyone

DAMN! I need a new keyboard.


19 posted on 02/02/2005 7:57:00 AM PST by P8riot (Stupid is forever. Ignorance can be fixed.)
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To: Howlin; Ed_NYC; MonroeDNA; widgysoft; Springman; Timesink; dubyaismypresident; Grani; coug97; ...

Just damn.

If you want on the list, FReepmail me. This IS a high-volume PING list...

20 posted on 02/02/2005 7:57:11 AM PST by mhking (Do not mess with dragons, for thou art crunchy & good with ketchup...)
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To: areafiftyone
See my thread here from ScrappleFace.

Captive U.S. Soldier Doll Rescued by Bush Doll

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1333888/posts

21 posted on 02/02/2005 7:58:22 AM PST by Kaslin
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To: areafiftyone

"Alright... They gone and done it now... They got skeletor... ITS ON!"
22 posted on 02/02/2005 8:04:52 AM PST by Sirc_Valence (I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those that threaten.. my brother)
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To: Mr. K
is Dan Rather all over this?

He sure is

23 posted on 02/02/2005 8:07:48 AM PST by areafiftyone (The Democrat's Mind: The Hamster's dead but the wheel's still spinning!)
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To: areafiftyone
The author is a frequent TCS contributor. He recently wrote about the Monster and the Nursery...

... and frequently moonlights as a producer for CBS News.

LOL! BTTT

24 posted on 02/02/2005 8:13:20 AM PST by LTCJ
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To: areafiftyone

ROFL


25 posted on 02/02/2005 8:17:45 AM PST by Constantine XIII
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To: Timeout; BigWaveBetty; Hillary's Lovely Legs
Just remember what you're fighting for, soldier:

26 posted on 02/02/2005 8:20:36 AM PST by mountaineer
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To: areafiftyone

BTTT of the Wal-Mart MSM Action Figure Toy Section!


27 posted on 02/02/2005 8:20:38 AM PST by The Spirit Of Allegiance (ATTN. MARXIST RED MSM: I RESENT your "RED STATE" switcheroo using our ELECTORAL MAP as PROPAGANDA!)
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To: ASA Vet

Good read. Even better photo!


28 posted on 02/02/2005 8:26:18 AM PST by gracex7 (The LORD is not slack concerning His promise....but is longsuffering to us-ward. 2 Peter 3:9)
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To: areafiftyone

Mikey Morroooon is already making "documentary" and is nominated for Durante award.


29 posted on 02/02/2005 8:28:44 AM PST by Leo Carpathian (Slava Ukraiini!)
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To: areafiftyone
Now THIS is funny.

L

30 posted on 02/02/2005 8:31:17 AM PST by Lurker ("We're all sinners, but jerks revel in their sins. " P.J. O'Rourke)
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To: areafiftyone

"I've slipped a sharpened staple into my boot. Soon I'll break out of here. I'll get new, better accessories, the kind that aren't legal in the US. Maybe a plastic missile that shoots out of my butt. Yeah, that's the ticket."

ROTFLMAO - So hard I'm crying!


31 posted on 02/02/2005 8:40:56 AM PST by roaddog727 (The marginal propensity to save is 1 minus the marginal propensity to consume.)
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To: areafiftyone
It would make a hilarious movie!
Or even a video to the Martika song Eminem just sampled.

-Eric

32 posted on 02/02/2005 9:09:22 AM PST by E Rocc (Leftists look at liberty the way Christians look at sin.)
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To: AnnaZ; feinswinesuksass

ROTF bump


33 posted on 02/02/2005 9:12:35 AM PST by HangFire (Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations.)
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To: Baynative

AHHHHH thats even funnier man..He would do that if it served him..
Dan Rather has issued a statement saying, "Even if the pictures do prove to be fake, the message is essentially valid."


34 posted on 02/02/2005 9:14:54 AM PST by hineybona
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To: areafiftyone

bttt


35 posted on 02/02/2005 9:14:55 AM PST by pepperdog
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To: Junior

Ping!


36 posted on 02/02/2005 9:16:19 AM PST by cjshapi
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To: areafiftyone
The author has true comic genius with biting satire.:D

"No chance, you unibrowed monster," I growled. "There's no way that America's mainstream media would ever fall for such a ruse. The second you post that picture on the Internet, crack investigative teams from the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and The New York Times and, above all, CBS News will be on hand to check facts, verify data, and offer uncompromising insights into the validity of your photograph, even if doing so will force them to lose a potential scoop while indirectly aiding the Bush administration."

37 posted on 02/02/2005 9:16:37 AM PST by xJones
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To: Baynative

Hmm. How do we know we didn't set this up to make the terrorists look stupid?


38 posted on 02/02/2005 9:17:37 AM PST by A Ruckus of Dogs
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To: areafiftyone

This is so cute I can't stand it!
All I can say is .....only in America would we have this knid of attitude.

And yes, it would make a great movie. It should be shown in Iraq. They have loosen up a bit, I hope. Freedom has a way of making this possible.


39 posted on 02/02/2005 9:22:06 AM PST by LadyPilgrim (Sealed my pardon with His Blood, Hallelujah!!! What a Savior!!!)
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To: areafiftyone

We're sending in the Navy!


40 posted on 02/02/2005 9:24:54 AM PST by xJones
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To: hineybona
CBS News has proof that we have Osama but are sitting on the info:

-Eric

41 posted on 02/02/2005 9:31:09 AM PST by E Rocc (Leftists look at liberty the way Christians look at sin.)
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To: areafiftyone

 

I just KNEW something was a tad askew with this...


42 posted on 02/02/2005 9:31:30 AM PST by Fintan (A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. - Groucho Marx)
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To: N8VTXNinWV

Ping for laugh-out-loud fun!


43 posted on 02/02/2005 9:36:04 AM PST by shezza
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To: Pan_Yan

ping


44 posted on 02/02/2005 9:52:18 AM PST by Pan_Yans Wife (" It is not true that life is one damn thing after another-it's one damn thing over and over." ESV)
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To: BlueLancer; dighton; aculeus; Poohbah; Thinkin' Gal; hellinahandcart

Do not be drinking anything while you read this...


45 posted on 02/02/2005 9:59:55 AM PST by L,TOWM (Liberals, The Other White Meat)
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To: xJones
Buzz Lightyear they have captured Mr.Potato Head!!!!
(repeat)Buzz Lightyear they have captured Mr. Potato Head!!!

Star command.....come in Star command.

46 posted on 02/02/2005 10:01:35 AM PST by processing please hold (Islam and Christianity do not mix ----9-11 taught us that)
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To: All
Fox news picked the story up.Just heard it.
47 posted on 02/02/2005 10:02:01 AM PST by Nooseman (by Mrs nooseman)
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To: backinthefold
Thanks.

bttt for later.


48 posted on 02/02/2005 10:02:09 AM PST by MeekOneGOP (There is only one GOOD 'RAT: one that has been voted OUT of POWER !! Straight ticket GOP!)
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To: Nooseman

I know Fox lurks on Free Republic and DU. I hope they give Kudos to the writer of this, he's just wonderful!


49 posted on 02/02/2005 10:08:20 AM PST by areafiftyone (The Democrat's Mind: The Hamster's dead but the wheel's still spinning!)
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To: Fintan
oh man....
 
soda---nose---keyboard
 
thanks alot pal, thanks alot
 
bwahahahaha

50 posted on 02/02/2005 10:13:59 AM PST by backinthefold (My heart goes out to the poor family of John Adam (bless their (plastic) heart)
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