AVENGE ME!
Posted on 02/28/2005 6:30:06 AM PST by aynrandy
Speeding south on Broadway recently, I spotted a compelling storefront sign.
It read "Don't be scared, be prepared!"
The slogan made so much sense that I decided to investigate Farris Survival in Englewood at some future time.
I am now a devout survivalist.
Years ago, profoundly influenced by the classic 1984 flick, "Red Dawn," which detailed the invasion of Colorado by, yep, the Nicaraguan and Cuban armies, I swore I'd be prepared for the worst.
My heroes, those defiant Wolverines, battling the commie tanks and helicopters on horses with BB guns. (Tagline: "The invading armies planned for everything - except for eight kids called the Wolverines.")
Was it Patrick Swayze's masterful Jed Eckert or the perplexing Matt, played by Charlie Sheen, that made "Red Dawn" so realistic and prophetic?
I simply don't know.
But just read the paper. Some of the international players may have changed, sure, but the peril is real.
North Korea has nukes. Russia has a yen for the good old days. That thug in Cuba is probably still planning a Colorado invasion.
Yet, it turns out, survival is tricky.
My homeowners association won't allow me to paint my own house, so I can only assume that a request to construct an underground high-protection shelter in my 200-square-foot "backyard" will be pending indefinitely.
What's more, the wife stubbornly maintains that recruiting my 3-year-old daughter for a well-digging project is idiotic, immoral and almost certainly illegal.
Would C. Thomas Howell be deterred? Of course not.
Somewhat disappointed, there is no peevish bearded fellow silhouetted by confederate flag. No cranky Vietnam vet flipping through an underlined copy of "The Turner Diaries" at Farris Survival.
There is, nonetheless, a gracious young woman named Shantel Farris.
"How ya doing? May I help you find something?" she asks.
Well, I'm going to need some food.
Shantel directs me toward the Chicken a la King No. 10 can, which weighs 2 pounds and has a 30-year shelf life. With a family of four and an obese cat, I'll probably need a few thousand cases.
They go for $32.10 a pop.
Maybe the "Just In Case Unit," which includes 28 packages of freeze-dried meals - pasta primavera, beef stroganoff with noodles, turkey tetrazzini - is more my speed. It's on sale.
(If the packaging on this stuff is any indication of the taste, it's going to be a long nuclear winter.)
"My father-in-law, Bob, started this place two years ago," Shantel explains as I examine a gas mask with a gas filter and a PVC hood. "He's a survivalist, but he's not paranoid or anything."
But what about reading material?
You have to get "Total Resistance: Swiss Army Guide to Guerrilla Warfare and Underground Operations," written by Major H. von Dach.
The book is full of tactical information that remains "invaluable even today." One Amazon.com reviewer writes that the book is "useful against oppresive (sic) tyrants everywhere."
I also should grab a copy of "The U.S. Armed Forces Nuclear, Biological and Chemical Survival Manual" and "Nuclear War Survival Skills" for some supplementary educational reading.
Before I head out, Shantel wonders if I might be interested in some potassium iodide pills, which are protection against radioactive water poisoning. No? High-powered binoculars? A knife?
Wait, is that a machete?
Wow. All of this surviving is a remarkably expensive. Is it worth it?
Well, remember this poignant moment in "Red Dawn," when Powers Boothe grunts to a Wolverine: "You think you're tough? You eat beans every day? There's a handful of scarecrows left in Denver give anything for a mouthful of what you got."
Think about that when you make fun of my Luggable Loo.
David Harsanyi's column appears Monday and Thursday. He can be reached at 303-820-1255 or dharsanyi@denverpost.com .
Are you really that scared?
I may be a girl but I love the Tremors flicks!
Cigaretts as a form of commerce would be my mode of survival.
I don't think they used BB guns.
Snarky article, but I saw Red Dawn. It was a pretty good movie. We now have enemies who play for keeps, and there is nothing wrong with having a stockpile of supplies.
Of course, I have nothing at the moment in the way of supplies, but that might change.
AVENGE ME!
awesome. great movie. though i think the cuban army would have some trouble holding colorado -- or any american city.
There's always the classic Tom Lehrer lyrics..
When you attend a funeral,
It is sad to think that sooner or
Later those you love will do the same for you.
And you may have thought it tragic,
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.
But don’t you worry.
No more ashes, no more sackcloth.
And an armband made of black cloth
Will some day never more adorn a sleeve.
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbors too,
There’ll be nobody left behind to grieve.
And we will all go together when we go.
What a comforting fact that is to know.
Universal bereavement,
An inspiring achievement,
Yes, we all will go together when we go.
We will all go together when we go.
All suffuse with an incandescent glow.
No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance,
Lloyd’s of london will be loaded when they go.
Oh we will all fry together when we fry.
We’ll be french fried potatoes by and by.
There will be no more misery
When the world is our rotisserie,
Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.
Down by the old maelstrom,
There’ll be a storm before the calm.
And we will all bake together when we bake.
There’ll be nobody present at the wake.
With complete participation
In that grand incineration,
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.
Oh we will all char together when we char.
And let there be no moaning of the bar.
Just sing out a te deum
When you see that i.c.b.m.,
And the party will be come as you are.
Oh we will all burn together when we burn.
There’ll be no need to stand and wait your turn.
When it’s time for the fallout
And saint peter calls us all out,
We’ll just drop our agendas and adjourn.
You will all go directly to your respective valhallas.
Go directly, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dolla’s.
And we will all go together when we go.
Ev’ry hottenhot and ev’ry eskimo.
When the air becomes uranious,
And we will all go simultaneous.
Yes we all will go together
When we all go together,
Yes we all will go together when we go.
(I think it might bother people that I can sing it entirely from memory)...
Be Prepared!
That's the Boy Scouts marching song
Be Prepared!
As you march along
If you're looking for an adventure of a new and different kind
And in the woods you find a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined
Don't be nervous!
Don't be frightened!
Don't be scared!
BE PREPARED!!!!
Avoid survivalist or military surplus stores, which take common, off the shelf items, and repackage 'em. Camping stores such as REI, have a lot better price on the majority of freeze dried food and other essential gear IMHO.
Then we got hit by a hurricane a couple of years ago which left us without power, water, air conditioning, etc. for two weeks.
She no longer rags on me about my stockpile. :-)
True, but to list what they really used would undercut this lib's elitist rant.
(I think it might bother people that I can sing it entirely from memory)...
How about this one?
The Merry Minuet
They're rioting in Africa
They're starving in Spain
There's hurricanes in Florida
And Texas needs rain
the Whole world is festering iwht unhappy souls
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles
Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch
And I don't like Anybody very much.
But we can be tranquil and thankful and proud
For man's been endowed with a mushroom-shaped cloud
And we know for certain that some lucky day
Someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away
They're rioting in Africa
There's strife in Iran
What nature doesn't do to us
Will be done by our fellow Man
-- Sheldon Harnick @1958
Don't be too sure. They would have the universities and many others fighting for them.
that's true. but i think those folks are a lot of talk and no action (thankfully)
You are probably right. They function best as cheerleaders and coat holders.
Having worked against them in Africa, I can attest that their small unit ops are excellent, they are brave almost to the point of stupidity, captured individuals endure excessive coercive physical interrogation, and they absolutely believe their cause is just.
In short, they are as efficient and as deadly as any well trained military unit in the world.
...holding colorado...
In purely military terms, a few hundred LEO's armed with pistols and a nasty prison outside Boulder City do a wonderful job of holding Colorado for the pleasure of the ruling class.
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