My Pregnant Wife: An Unexpected Target in the Culture Wars

Vanity ^ | 2 Apr 05 | gobucks

[gobucks]

"Don't you dare guilt your wife into having a natural childbirth!", I am told by a nice woman I know at church. I have known this lady for some time, and we have never talked politics. Suddenly, my wife is hot political topic #1. And though the politics are 'under the radar', my wife is clearly a target in the ongoing cultural war.

Until my wife started to dramatically enlarge during this last trimester, comments like these had been few. Now, it is a torrent. "What hospital? What OB? You are getting an epidural, right? What brand of formula do you plan to use (as if we will collapse immediately into the arms of the Enfamil salesman)? You are not going to breast feed too long, are you? Are you on a waiting list yet for infant day care?"

My wife and I, married over 10 years with all kinds of issues associated with getting pregnant are about to be parents of a boy in a few weeks. We are of course, thrilled and overjoyed.

But the political overtones of how we bring him into the world are just unreal. The unending stream of opinion and advice about it, with over 95 percent of it being something like this: "don't be stupid. Get the epidural." We have yet to have a single woman report to us that having her baby in a fully undrugged state was a good idea.

Why is labor today so terrifying for women? Why is it that husbands are being taught that encouraging a woman to experience a full unmedicated delivery is akin to treating her like a barbarian? Heck, I've told my wife I am not the one having the baby, and thus, I'm not about to dictate to her how it should be done; I simply said I like the idea of natural childbirth and that is it. Why is this so politically incorrect? Why are hordes of women pouring out of the woodwork yelling at us to make sure she gets the drugs, the epidural?

What the heck is going on such that bringing a child into the world has to be so .... upsetting?

And these are women at my church! I can just imagine what a hapless secular woman in some lonely cul-de-sac must endure.

I'm a typical Chistian man with a very pregnant wife. I have an atypical enthusiasm for most things associated with FreeRepublic. I'm looking for reports from any of you husbands (or their wives) out there have experienced the kind of unreal cultural pressure my wife and I have undergone as this last trimester winds down.

I have googled around, looking for articles about this - and it is just about nada. Mostly stuff on teen pregnancy and abortion. Zilch regarding ordinary married folks who are being pressured to have a 'modern' birth experience.

I'm I the only one who is seeing how a pregnant woman is somehow a political lightning rod these days?

[workerbee]

Hi gobucks -- congratulations on your baby! I haven't read many other replies yet, but here's my gut reactions on some these issues, based on my own experience with pregnancy, labor & delivery of my three girls:

Why is labor today so terrifying for women?

IMO part of it is the hype that surrounds pregnancy. Plus, women can't seem to help sharing their labor & delivery experiences with each other, often in a way that tries to one-up the other. "Oh, you only pushed for an hour? That's nothing! When my Ashley came I was in agony for 3 days!" Stuff like that. Another thing is how medicalized it all has become. OBs are generally look at pregnancy as a "medical problem" to be solved rather than a naturally occuring event for a woman's body.

Heck, I've told my wife I am not the one having the baby, and thus, I'm not about to dictate to her how it should be done; I simply said I like the idea of natural childbirth and that is it. Why is this so politically incorrect?

It depends on why you like the idea of "natural" childbirth. It's one thing to worry about the effects of any meds on the baby. But if you think going au-naturale makes the whole experience somehow more valid for the mother, that's the wrong reason IMO. I think it's disgraceful that many "natural" childbirth advocates push this philosophy on women as well. WHATEVER YOU DO, don't imply to your wife that using meds makes her an inferior baby deliverer! And be aware that she may decide halfway through the event that "natural" isn't what she wants after all. If so, make sure she understands you aren't "disappointed." After all, you're not the one experiencing the pain.

Why are hordes of women pouring out of the woodwork yelling at us to make sure she gets the drugs, the epidural?

LOL... yeah, I can tell this is your first baby. ;-) Sorry, couldn't resist. Seriously though -- delivering a baby HURTS! People encourage your wife to use pain meds because it's natural to want people you care about not to experience pain. The Bradley method likes to use the term "discomfort" alot, as I recall. Frankly, this is like using the term "breezy" to describe a hurricane. OTOH, every woman is different and reacts differently to the experience. For me, the labor itself wasn't completely unbearable until the very last moments before delivery, which for 1st and 3rd daughters is when I took the epidural -- 2nd daughter was too fast for me!

The most important thing you can do, IMO, is to be 100% supportive of whichever route your wife decides, and don't lock yourselves into one mindset beforehand thinking you can't change, because for all our medical advances, labor & delivery are still unpredictable events. Let her know you don't "expect" her to forego pain meds if the labor becomes more intense than she thinks she can tolerate. No woman should ever feel guilty about opting for pain meds during childbirth. OTOH, watching her go through this experience may make YOU change your mind and not want to see her in such pain, in which case you need to be careful not to push them on her either. Believe me, she WILL KNOW which is the best route for her when the time comes.

Congrats again!

[RepoGirl]

What kind of complaints did you get? I'm just curious. I breast fed in public, but used a modesty cover that I bought from Babies R Us. For me it was just personal preference, as well as a concern for others -- no one needs to be subjected to the Repo Jugs.

[cyborg]

I appreciate the correction but answer my question. Are you a man or a woman? Why are you taking someone else's experience so personally?

[Bushforlife]

"Aahh! Now I get it.
Someone practicing medicine outside of the accepted establishment, such as a home birth and midwife, is a threat to you both financially and authoritatively.
You aren't a bore at all - just a dishonest debator with an agenda"

Gosh, it seems that when the facts of the argument go against you, you can always fall back on unfounded assumptions and wild claims with no basis in reality.

The bottom line is that you are free to have your baby in a private home, or in a hospital. Go for it! Just don't expect universal affirmation and acceptance that your choice is the best one.

And if you run into trouble with a home delivery, gosh where you gonna go? Gee, the hospital.

[tang-soo]

My $0.02 follows. My wife and I have a friend in our Bible study who is a Doulas (spelling?). I think it's Greek for servant. I never heard of this before we met Lorrie. She contracts with couples that are having a baby. She has several sessions where she explains what to expect from the delivery. Her goal is to coach, provide support, provide massages, squeeze hands ... etc anything that provides comfort during the birthing process. She meets the couple at the delivery room and stays with the client until the child is born.

She basically is a coach that provides guidance and support towards the goal of a natural experience. As far as I know, they typically have a good working relationship with the doctors.

I would suggest reading about this through google and try to find one - maybe within your own church. I think they end up charging a few hundred dollars for their service. I pray you have a wonderful experience.

[Bushforlife]

"I appreciate the correction but answer my question. Are you a man or a woman? Why are you taking someone else's experience so personally?"

The validity of my views does not depend on my sex.

What have I taken personally? I have assurred folks repeatedly that they have a right to hoe their own row. Just not a right to imply their hoe is better then mine.

[beaversmom]

but make sure your wife knows that if she changes her mind and decides she wants it, then it is there for her and that you will still support her decision.

I said and planned all kinds of things before I had my first. Most of those ideas flew straight out the window during labor and after. A woman is not less of a woman if she chooses to be medicated. The only thing I would recommend is too avoid induction if at all possible. If I could have a do over, that's the one part I would do differently.

[raybbr]

Congratulations and may God be with you and your wife. Enjoy the whole event. Do exactly what you and your wife choose to do.

Further advice would be to not film or take pictures of the actual birth. It's not something you will ever show anyone so why bother. I thought about but decided it would be pretty silly.

Do take pictures after the nurses have cleaned him up and let someone take a picture of you holding him. That seems to get lost in all the excitement of the mother being the focus of attention. Take a few discreet pictures of when the baby is presented to your wife. The expression on her face will be one to cherish forever.

Then, when everything is allright, chase everyone, I mean everyone out of the room so that you and your wife can have some time with your new son alone. We did that and the half-hour or so that we had getting to know our first and second sons was the best. After that it gets a little crazy.

Breast feeding is really God's way of continuing the pregnancy so to speak. The colostrum is very important to the baby and the continued nurturing and closeness that takes place between the mother and child will be gone soon enough. Let her have it as long as she can.

I will pray for a safe delivery and healthy baby for you. God blessed you and your wife with the miracle you about to experience. Do it your way.

[jincarolina]

LOL!

[cyborg]

You won't answer the question so I'll assume you're a man who has never given birth to any children. It does depend on your sex because you will never know how a woman feels while giving birth. You are bringing a decidedly hostile tone to this thread with your whining about telling someone how they should feel even after they apologized! Get a life.

[exnavychick]

Back in September we had our 5th. Then came the "are you just going to keep having them!!"comments. Or the ever so lovely "are all those yours!?!?!?" But, my favorite is "don't you know how that happens?"

I am going to have MY fifth baby in June, and my husband and I often get the same comments, as well. My favorite one-liner for folks who like to ask "Don't you know how that happens?" is to tell them, "Yeah, but we're going to keep trying until we make an ugly one!" That usually shuts them up pretty well, lol!

On the topic at hand...I guess the reason people feel the need to comment about choices in labor management (heh heh, love that phrase) is simply because they just don't understand how or why someone would WANT to feel pain. They misunderstand, imo. It's not so much wanting to feel pain (hey, I ain't nuts! lol), it's -for me, at least-hating the numbing effects of an epidural, or the whacked out feeling you get from other painkillers. It leaves you in a haze, and unable to focus, or in the case of an epidural, you can't feel well enough to push effectively sometimes. Pain can be instructive, imo. I'm skipping the epi this time. :)

Childrearing is a very personal thing, and it seems like sometimes if folks take a different approach than you, it's a commentary (and not a flattering one, oftentimes) on the way you choose to raise your children. It can be really hard on first-timers, since everyone assumes you are just ignorant and can't possibly know what you are doing. Well, it's true, lol, but we all stumble along as best we can. Heck, I still call my mom for advice from time to time! Gobucks, just try to ignore the busybodies...you'll be much happier, even though it's easier said than done, I know.:)

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

We're also reading up on the Bradley method of natural childbirth.

My FRiend...I cannot recommend the Bradley method HIGHLY ENOUGH.

My two children were nurtured and delivered using the Bradley method. The classes are fun and very informative. The diet for Mom is essential but easy. (Baked potatoes and broccoli, broccoli, broccoli! Lots of folic acid.)

Now, Bradley may have nothing to do with it but...my son is a straight "A" student in the National Honor Society and will be getting his Eagle Scout badge this year. My daughter is also staraight "A's" and is her class President. Coincidence? I report, you decide.

The use of an epidural will have an effect on the child. Take the Bradley courses. If you decide not to go that route all you've wasted is a little time and money but you will have gained some education.

[workerbee]

Oh yes, I meant to mention: I had a doula for my 1st & 2nd daughters' deliveries. Absolutely wonderful, can't say enough good things about these women. It was so nice to have a woman (NOT a family member w/ her own ideas of what I "should" do or not do) to help me through my labor, there with me the whole time unlike the nurses who, while supportive and caring, were too busy to simply sit and help me through contractions. My husband was wonderful and supportive -- she in NO WAY was there to take his place -- but I do believe there's something to be said for women helping other women thru this experience.

[mabelkitty]

No, I'd rather die at home than be subjected to the sactimonious tsk-tsking of the medical personnel because I dared to have my child without their input and services.
But that's just me.
I'm sure others would cow-tow and promise to never again stray from the AMA.

[Bushforlife]

" You won't answer the question so I'll assume you're a man who has never given birth to any children. It does depend on your sex because you will never know how a woman feels while giving birth. You are bringing a decidedly hostile tone to this thread with your whining about telling someone how they should feel even after they apologized! Get a life."

So your contention is that only women should discuss the issue. Then perhaps we should never discuss Senator Santorum's acts or views insofar as we are not Senators. And Airline pilot performance is no business of ours to discuss, since we are not pilots. Interesting position.

As for the "hostile tone" you speak of, perhaps what that amounts to is that I will not affirm that certain choices are better, or universally applicable. How dare I! And your"Get a life" comment was certainly reasoned and compelling.

[mabelkitty]

He understands midwives and natural childbirth is cutting into his revenue stream.

[mabelkitty]

He understands midwives and natural childbirth is cutting into his revenue stream.

[cyborg]

I give up. Have a nice weekend.

[Bushforlife]

"No, I'd rather die at home than be subjected to the sactimonious tsk-tsking of the medical personnel because I dared to have my child without their input and services.
But that's just me.
I'm sure others would cow-tow and promise to never again stray from the AMA."

Interesting position. You actually care so much about the opinions of others that you would choose death for yourself and/or baby. on the other hand, my position has been, in numerous posts, that folks have a right to make their choices, and to how their own row. In other words, I will decide how and where to bear children without concern for the opinions of others, and without allowing the opinions of others to override my own.

How different we are.

[Bushforlife]

"He understands midwives and natural childbirth is cutting into his revenue stream."

Interesting position. Assumption and wild claims however, will never substitute for reason and evidence.