all.. a few tidbits from the DollyHumor archives...If you get DollyHumor via email, you might recognize a few (or you MAY have sent me the thing!). They will be fun with words, bad communication etc... WORD HUMOR!
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*Stuff You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support*
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
"Mommy, tell Johnny to stop hitting me"
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If You Love Something Variations
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.
THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat
THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.
THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.
THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
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I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to
make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her
that she must remain
there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look.
"I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."
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During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
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Excerpts from Real Science Papers Written by Kids
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you
came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never
mind.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them
stuffed with explosions.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from
the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change into a sun in the daytime.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others
preferred to become oil.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we
know they are there.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But
I have never been able to make out the numbers.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to
do it, and that is the important thing.
In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue
will kill the strongest man.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names
sound.
It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there
have to live in other places.
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*Interview Phrases*
Phrases for you to use in a job interview - or to interpret when
interviewing!
Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.
Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.
Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.
Phrase: I'm personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot.
Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I'm never at my desk.
Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.
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Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of
the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy
speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call
because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has
a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The
tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be
mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number
by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I
don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied, "I didn't think you'd be
this mad."
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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These
special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD
dissertation or Graduate-level academic paper.
The Real Meaning
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you
understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These
special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD
dissertation or Graduate-level academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
... This data is practically meaningless.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"
... Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"
... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"
... Thrice
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE
QUESTIONS"
... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
... The other results didn't make any sense.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE
FINDINGS"
... A wild guess.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
... Wrong.
"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
... Rumor has it.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass
of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A
COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"
... I don't understand it
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
... This is the prettiest graph.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND
TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it
meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN
THIS FIELD"
... I quit.
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Five things you won't hear a Redneck say
1) I'll take Quantum Physics for a thousand, Alex.
2) No way Duct Tape can fix that.
3) I'll have a Light Raspberry Lager and a pack of KOOL, please.
4) You can't feed that to a dog.
5) I just love the regular chitchat with my hair stylist, especially when the
new GQ comes out.
Cooking Words Accurately Defined
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly
the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered
by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a
dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.