Cohabitation: a Recipe for Marital Ruin (Puts Partners and Kids at Risk)

Zenit News Agency ^ | October 1, 2005

[supercat]

People who think sex makes the marriage have no idea what marriage is. You better stick with your hand until you grow up.

A "test drive" to find out what someone is like in bed isn't going to provide much insight as to what marriage will be like, but being around someone during day-to-day life can be informative. I didn't have intercourse with my late wife until after we were married, but we did move into an apartment together shortly after we got engaged. During that time together, we found a few issues which we were able to resolve before we got married. Had I not discovered those issues until after we were married, we probably still could have worked through them but I personally was glad knowing that we worked through them because we wanted to, not because we had to.

[hopespringseternal]

but being around someone during day-to-day life can be informative

If you look at his response, you can see he was only concerned with how good a potential mate is in bed.

The problem with expecting cohabitation to uncover irreconcilable differences is that they tend to develop over time. Something that is a minor detail for six months can be the bane of your day after ten years.

What's more, the entire mindset of "find out if I can stand living with this person" is wrong for marriage. At some point you won't be able to stand living with them anymore. At some point you will have problems that seem impossible to overcome. At some point, you will hate the sight of your spouse.

What marriage requires is the maturity to move beyond those feelings and not let them dictate your life. No amount of living together can give you that.

The truth is that most divorce is a lie. People think they are freeing themselves from this great burden, but the truth is that I have seldom seen anyone's life improved by divorce. Most of the problems in marriage have nothing to do with spousal behavior and everything to do with our own attitudes.

[Zechariah_8_13]

worth a read -- you probably already know most of this but it's helpful to see actual numbers.

[Protagoras]

My thoughts exactly! But I suspect they (and their cohabiting partners and various kids) are out on the town tonight, celebrating the latest Supreme Court nomination.

Please cite any statistics which show that libertarians co-habitate or even approve of such arrangements in any greater numbers than whatever other ill defined group you are comparing them with.

Thank you

[Protagoras]

Is it better to marry a chaste person or a fornicator?

There is no correct answer to that. If the question is, is it better to be a chaste person or a fornicator, the answer is chaste.

The next question is, is it better to marry a sinless person or one who has sinned? Let me know when you find a spouse like that.

[Zechariah_8_13]

Had I not discovered those issues until after we were married, we probably still could have worked through them but I personally was glad knowing that we worked through them because we wanted to, not because we had to.

Really? I'm married, and when a problem arises, we work through it because we want to have the best marriage possible. Marriage is about CHOOSING to do the right thing because it is the loving thing. Not because we "hafta".

[Zechariah_8_13]

Additionally, do you what's even better than knowing your spouse worked through an issue because s/he wanted to?

Knowing that your spouse worked through an issue when s/he DIDN'T want to, but did it anyway because s/he is committed to you, and invested in you, and wants to do the right thing, no matter how s/he feels.

Now THAT'S love.

[supercat]

Knowing that your spouse worked through an issue when s/he DIDN'T want to, but did it anyway because s/he is committed to you, and invested in you, and wants to do the right thing, no matter how s/he feels.

At that point, how do you know she isn't just doing it because she feels societally obligated to do so, while secretly thinking she made a big mistake marrying you?

Obviously couples will have to resolve many issues that come up after marriage, but I think that having issues come up before marriage can help demonstrate that neither spouse entered the marriage expecting the other to be perfect.

[supercat]

If you look at his response, you can see he was only concerned with how good a potential mate is in bed.

Perhaps, but I don't understand what that has to do with cohabitation--many people get that sort of 'test drive' within 24 hours of meeting someone. The problem with expecting cohabitation to uncover irreconcilable differences is that they tend to develop over time. Something that is a minor detail for six months can be the bane of your day after ten years.

Obviously one isn't going to discover all possible points of contention in a few months or even a few years. Nor should one expect to. But that's not really the goal (at least it shouldn't be). The goal instead should be to discover how well the couple can resolve such contentions together without either person feeling like a doormat. What's more, the entire mindset of "find out if I can stand living with this person" is wrong for marriage. At some point you won't be able to stand living with them anymore. At some point you will have problems that seem impossible to overcome. At some point, you will hate the sight of your spouse.

True. The institution of marriage needs to exist to provide support for relationship in such times of extreme adversity where they would otherwise be dissolved (which is a big part of why I dislike the idea of people shacking up for decades and saying they don't 'need' a ring to show commitment to each other). On the other hand, I think it's useful for couples to know that there's more than a 'piece of paper' holding them together, and that IMHO is demonstrated somewhat by their ability to stick together through some adversity even when they're not compelled to do so.

What marriage requires is the maturity to move beyond those feelings and not let them dictate your life. No amount of living together can give you that.

True. And open-ended cohabitation can be dangerous if the participants deceive themselves into thinking that 'the ring' isn't really important. The truth is that most divorce is a lie. People think they are freeing themselves from this great burden, but the truth is that I have seldom seen anyone's life improved by divorce. Most of the problems in marriage have nothing to do with spousal behavior and everything to do with our own attitudes.

I agree. And a major part of the attitude problem I see is that many people who cohabitate before marriage enter into that relationship without any particular commitment and then, when they do get married, there's nothing different about their life to mark the new commitment.

By contrast, my fiancée and I didn't move into our apartment until after we had already decided to marry each other. Although either of us could have broken off the relationship (I could have afforded the apartment lease myself) we wouldn't have moved into the new apartment together if we weren't 99% sure we were going to get married. Out commitment was sealed when we consumated it on the honeymoon.

Also, if you don't mind me returning to a purchased-item analogy, in which case are you apt to be happer:

1. You buy a new item, and then after you're stuck with it you discover a blemish.
2. You decide to buy a new item, discover a blemish, and--even though you could walk away from it--you decide to purchase the item anyway.

Obviously different people may view things differently, but for myself I would tend to be much happier in the latter case. In the former case, my perception of the item will be forever tarnished by the blemish, and by every other little thing I find wrong with it. In the latter case, having encountered the blemish before purchase will make me consider everything good about the item in appraising whether it's still worth purchasing. Not only will this make the blemish bother me far less than it otherwise would have, but it will help me feel better about any other problems I find with the item.

[VoiceOfBruck]

Thanks Zech, nothing too surprising here. I think that cohabiting before marriage isn't so much a cause of divorce as an indicator of how seriously the couple takes marriage in the first place.