Posted on 10/15/2005 6:41:32 PM PDT by madprof98
I never said that most of the divorces are a result of the situation I described....I am sure that most divorces are not the result of such an extreme situation..my point was, that one cannot and should not make a blanket statement that staying together is always better than getting a divorce...in some cases, such I as describe, I think that people can agree, divorce was the better choice...
And why do divorce people always marry the same type of person. They say the problem was spousal abuse, drug addiction,or promiscuous infidelity and then they are still attracted to that sort. Sometimes the spouse who doesn't do anything wrong is a co-dependent.
I don't know if you can take a general statement, "most kids" , and make it specific to a particular kid. There are miserable kids from intact homes and wonderful kids from miserable non intact homes.
When I was divorced, my kids were 9 and 4. Their mother and I divided the children's time 50-50. Now the kids are grown and on their own. It is my observation that EVERYTHING mentioned in this article is 100% right on. It is amazing to see a study which actually gets it right.
By the way, I remarried, created a moral, Christian home, and had 2 more kids which were also 5 years apart, just like the first two. There was one boy and one girl each time. These two are now 8 and 13. Just like the article said, the results with these two are excellent and reflect consistent rearing by two parents who love and support each other. Once again, based on first hand knowledge, the findings in this article are exactly right.
"More likely" is not 100%, it is actually not even highly likely.
You are acting as if any child from a divorce is worse off. That is simply not true for a particular child.
It may or may not be a fiction. And guilt may or may not play a part in a parent believe his child is better off with a divorce.
Unless of course you just would like for any divorced person to carry perpetual guilt.
Maybe you are a better parent now. Maybe the problem with your children from the first marriage was less the divorce than the kind of parents you and your wife were.
Actually if you look at large sibships in intact families you can see a variety of adjustedness,,some seem better adjusted, happier, more functional than others,,,within the same intact family.
I suspect divorce is harmful for many children. But I also know intact hideous marriages that do not serve children or parents well. I wouldn't suggest divorce be lightly taken, it usually isnt when kids are involved. But I don't think two people are always doing the best thing when they stay "for the sake of the children".
I guess with 3 out of those 4, I don't feel too bad about my divorce. In all honesty, though, even WITH those going on, I still tried to make it work in case I might somehow screw up my kids for life by divorcing their dad. Am only sorry now that I didn't do it sooner.
I came from a solid, loving home but my marriage ended in bitter, quarreling divorce, in which I got out in order to put an end to the fighting in front of the kids.
I have heard only a little from my children of how my divorce was for them, but I imagine it must be, to a helpless and dependent child, like their house being torn apart, shingle-by-shingle and board-by-board.
In response to the person who said his parents had weekly battles in which they screamed so loud that their small children were terrorized, I said that such behavior was either insane or evil. The person responded that his parents were not evil, though what they did was "wrong." It's amazing to me that we cheer so loudly when our President finally gets up the nerve to call the hurtful behavior of foreign enemies by its right name, but we insist on using milder terms for hurtful behavior that is closer to home. I suppose that is because few of us would become suicide bombers, but many of us--sadly--have subjected our own children to the horrors of a broken family.
It appears that you feel comfortable with putting those you don't want to understand into either the insane or evil catagory. Your world is safer that way and you don't have to deal with human failings and then forgiveness for those who have failed you.
You are in fact the one sugar coating the situation when you clump all behavior into 2 catagories. There was/is no evil to exorcise and no insanity to fix or medicate therefore you've left no other options to deal with the situation.
They are people that both react to stress with anger. They needed to be taught a better way to work out issues in their marriage. It was fixable.
There is such a thing as showing too much love...smothering....holding them back.....ruining their lives.
So how did your kids 'turn out'? I know of one family who's constant affiars brought fights, instability but they are still married....the kids are in trouble alot and bitter --one didn't finish high school. But hey...the parents are still together...
The problem, as I see it, is that we so often excuse our wrongdoing by softening its effects, at least in our own minds. That is certainly true of parents who destroy the security of their children--first by fighting and carrying on, then by divorce.
Call it what you prefer, but it's certainly more than a mistake. And I think that in order for people to take the steps necessary to stop their destructive behavior, they need to first admit to themselves how very bad it really is.
I'm not looking for a fight but you obviously insist that my parents are evil for fighting. The article says divorced parents do more harm to children than non divorced. By these standards my parents couldn't win. Stay together and argue or get divorced and cause harm to the children.
I'm glad they got divorced. Everyone was suffering from that union. Now we are capable of having relationships with each other.
BTW I don't associate wrong choices with evil. A person who chooses the wrong partner to marry is different than say an islamic terrorists murdering children in their school. So I do take offense when my parents are lumped in with real evil.
I guess I would have to go along with SouthernFreebirds views that those who divorce are not necessarily those who exhibit behavior which is 'insane', or 'evil'...I think SouthernFreebird is right, often there are wrong choices made, when it comes to a marriage partner...I do think that we are allowed to correct our errors, even if that does mean a divorce...
I have known people to get divorced for what I would consider really flimsy reasons...some reasons which I would call 'selfish'(I want my freedom, I want a younger wife, etc.etc.)...now one may call that reasoning 'evil' or 'insane', I call it selfish...
Calling real evil, as 'evil', is one thing, as pointed out by SouthernFreebird(terrorists killing the innocent)...I cannot argue with that...but when parents divorce(sometimes for the good of their children), I cannot call that evil...
I guess we all just look at what is 'evil', differently...
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