Jazeera Bill

23-November-2005 | Ron Pickrell

[pickrell]

Welcome to the new Al Jazeera website, Drutha.com!

In the unresolved problems segment tonight, (which was shamefully stolen from us in the past by Bill O'Reilly, (click on may.he.rot.in.hell.com), we explore several issues from the recent past.

The Libyan government announced several years ago that it would no longer support the United States by doing secret research on nuclear weapons. The beloved Libyan leader, Muammar Khaddafy, declared then that the cause of world peace precluded them from performing any more secret work for the Americans. "No longer will we allow the yankees to compel us to develop such weapons of mass destruction. It's time we stood up for liberty." The entire Libyan homeland has been recently nominated for the Nobel Prize in Creative Marketing.

The boycott of Kuwait, which has been conducted by the Iraqi Army since 1991, remains in effect. A videotape smuggled into Baghdad, announces that nothing will change the insurgents' minds about continuing to bar the country from their "military exercises list". In the words of one Republican Guard T-61 pedestrian, "The Kuwaitis brought this on themselves by allowing the American military into the country and... severely impairing the ambience of the country. We won't go back until the Americans apologize."

In Afghanistan, several lawsuits lodged against the United States by the anguished and long-suffering peoples of the region, charging that food was intentionally "dumped" by aircraft into the region several years ago, to create an unfair trade disadvantage against local rice smugglers, is moving forwards with the help of former Attorney General American Ramsey Clark, and 2100 other unemployed lawyers, who recently left Iraq. "Since the case against Saddam is so weak," one of them divulged, "that he no longer needs our help, we have come to Kabul, instead, to redress these "trade issues" that caused indiscriminate weight gain in the native children."

While in the country, several also pledged to file "habeas corpses" motions to determine who stole the massive piles of civilian bodies that we of Al Jazeera reported were being killed by indiscriminate American "Congoleum bombing" during the start of the war. In the business report- area merchants continue to complain that Christmas sales have still not recovered from the post-Taliban slump, "You can't hardly give away a 'G.I. Osama' doll lately...and Santa suits- sheesh, don't talk to me about Santa suits..."

French television this morning announced that the initiative to remove gas-guzzling vehicles from the marketplace has met with better than predicted success. "We have shown the world, once again, how prompt and forceful French action can reduce the emissions from older automobiles. This is Kyoyo on steroids! Many thousands of polluting vehicles will no longer obscure our clear vision of the future." Outside the Paris police headquarters, behind several rows of sandbags, protesters chanted, "Oh...and also- we spit at you Americans! Wear uncomfortable socks and suffer at inconvenient moments, you slaves to prepackaged potato products...."

In the "back of the scroll" segment- we told you earlier that among Democratic legislators in the "Great Satan", support for the insurgents was growing. Al Jazeera can now announce that our hard hitting journalism has successfully manuevered the U.S. House of Representatives into a vote on conceeding the inevitability of the death of all infidels, and by a wide margin, has been proven to be even more successful than the recent Jordanian "hearts and minds" campaign so brilliantly conducted by our Welcome Wagon (of explosives and nails...)

Finally...viewer mail. We continue to urge viewers to be pithy. No bloviating- remember that's my job!

From a cave in Pakistan, one viewer writes, "Why do you not show more beheadings? Are you going soft? Signed... Simper Fi." Well, simper, we work with what material we can find.

From the deserts of Saudi arabia, another viewer writes, "Are there no more beheadings? Surely you haven't lost your edge? Signed, Bahk Ali Saddamite." Bahk, we only report 'all the news that's fit to print.'

And from a tent outside Crawford, Texas, one woman writes, "Why haven't you pitched my book more? After all I've done for you rugheads. Signed, Cindy." Well Cindy, come on over here and we'll show you how we deal with demanding bitches. Join us, loosen up, and get stoned.

Stay tuned for Hassan and Colmestan, who interview a pathetic Iragi captive and just take his head off.

[det dweller too]

Very Cute. Good satire.

[pickrell]

Thanks. I should watch my typos more carefully, though.