Turning first love into lasting love one of God's gifts

The Daily Press ^ | Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 09:22:16 AM | Dr. Darrel M. Robertson

[klossg]

“The Ten Worst Valentine’s Day Gifts” — I clicked on this MSN.com heading because Valentine’s Day is near and like most guys I'm ... well, the word is “clueless.” The article was, unfortunately, not encouraging. Roses (I assumed I had a perpetual winner here) and chocolate were deemed too predictable. OK. Next advice — “anything that looks like an appliance” should be avoided like the plague. Even a Norwegian knows that (to my personal dismay). Ditto for gift certificates — pragmatism, rationality, you see, are out.

What's a guy to do?

Here's the advice: be creative (right!), prove to her you really have “thought” about this (this writer obviously doesn't know many “real” guys), get something totally impractical that she doesn't "need" but desperately "wants." So what is this magical thing? A week in Tahiti? Silk lingerie? A year's subscription to the local massage therapist? The article ended with the only really helpful advice — "Call your honey's best pal and ask what to do."

Love is strange, mysterious, irrational, unpredictable. Why do you "fall in love" with someone? I, for one, have no clue. A rather fascinating article in a recent National Geographic suggested it all has to do with body chemistry. So, you look across a crowded room and your body chemistry ... what?... goes beserk (en espanol 'frenetico') at the sight of some female (I'm writing from the only perspective I know). And for who knows how long you can't work, you can't go to sleep, you think impossible thoughts, everything you see and do is comprehended only in relation to her. You are smitten!

It must be that God has a sense of humor. It is a wonderful agony ... this falling in love. But how does one go from there to marriage, to life-long partnership, to learning how to live with another human being who eventually, inevitably, thankfully, mercifully becomes a human being like you, but different from you? How does falling in love translate into a lifetime of love? That's an important question in a culture where only 50 percent of marriages last and of the half that last, not all remain “lovers” in any sense of the word.

I listened to Dr. Phil talk about this and he emphasized compromise and a surprisingly brutal honesty. I actually felt sorry for his wife. But if it works for them... ? I'm more persuaded by those who suggest taking the energy of "falling in love" and using it to create the building blocks for staying in love. Here's how it works: When you fall in love there is almost nothing you will not do to bless, encourage, flatter, bring joy to the one you love. And when the one who is loved in this way experiences these phenomena the result is a powerful motivation to return such love in much the same way. I mean, how can you not love someone who makes you feel so wonderful? It's easy, natural at the start, with powerful hormones aiding the cause. If two lovers take this early energy and determine to make it the pattern of their relationship, they begin to build still new realities that are expressed in words like indebtedness, loyalty, “all the stuff we've shared,” simply, lots of good will. These new realities become the sustainlng energy that keep people in love over the long haul. There is staying power in them. I believe it is this ingrained pattern of gracious living together, repeated and mutual behaviors and words that seek the blessing, the joy of the other, that keeps romance alive, that fosters joy in a vibrant sexual love where lovers are also friends, playmates, companions.

It is a most wonderful thing to grow old with the one you love, still in love. It begins with a strange magic followed by the wonderful work/privilege/joy of keeping the magic alive until a new kind of magic blended with the old becomes the foundation for one of God's very best ideas, very best gifts. Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr. Darrel M. Robertson is pastor of the Presbyterian-Congregational Church, Ashland.

[klossg]

Dr. Robertson leaves plenty of room for touchy-feely-non-commital love, but there are a few points that touch on the beauty of life long dedicated love.

[klossg]

Theology of the Body Ping!

If anyone wants on or off theTheology of the Body Ping List, notify me here or by freepmail.

[veronica]

I'm more persuaded by those who suggest taking the energy of "falling in love" and using it to create the building blocks for staying in love. Here's how it works: When you fall in love there is almost nothing you will not do to bless, encourage, flatter, bring joy to the one you love. And when the one who is loved in this way experiences these phenomena the result is a powerful motivation to return such love in much the same way. I mean, how can you not love someone who makes you feel so wonderful? It's easy, natural at the start, with powerful hormones aiding the cause. If two lovers take this early energy and determine to make it the pattern of their relationship, they begin to build still new realities that are expressed in words like indebtedness, loyalty, “all the stuff we've shared,” simply, lots of good will. These new realities become the sustainlng energy that keep people in love over the long haul. There is staying power in them. I believe it is this ingrained pattern of gracious living together, repeated and mutual behaviors and words that seek the blessing, the joy of the other, that keeps romance alive, that fosters joy in a vibrant sexual love where lovers are also friends, playmates, companions.

I like that POV.

Dr. Phil makes my skin crawl, BTW. And not in a good way.

[klossg]

"Dr. Phil makes my skin crawl, BTW. And not in a good way.

He does make it crawl, doesn't he? He is like having an Enron CEO help you with personal issues.

[tfecw]

"Dr. Phil makes my skin crawl, BTW. And not in a good way."

i was watching his special last night during commercial breaks and i nearly fell off the treadmill laughing. They get this nice girl and he's asking her all these "deep" questions about this girl's relationship with this guy. She's talking about marriage and how much she loves him and why, and I thought, this isn't so bad. Then bam, he brings in 2 other girls and runs a video of her boyfriend talking about how he plays all these women. I was waiting for a studio audience to start chanting "Phil, Phil, Phil"

[veronica]

Mad TV did the most hilarious spoof of him in a skit about famous people on the reality show Survivor. Their Dr. Phil character was naked save for a g-string, and he wagged his member at every man and woman on the island in a lurid way. So funny, and somehow apt.

[Theophilus]

Dr. Phil makes my skin crawl, BTW. And not in a good way.

While Dr Phil probably has a good point about "compromise and a surprisingly brutal honesty", he also makes my skin crawl, such that Dr Robertson can't go far wrong by offering some contrast/contradiction.

[TomSmedley]

Well, the studies I've encountered suggest that "first love" is like ogling the sports car in the showroom window. "Married love" is like buying the van. I suspect we tend to "fall in love with" someone perceived to be like ourselves, then marry someone quite different.

I don't think very many guys actually end up marrying the first woman they "fell in love with." Many, however, have built decades-spanning romances by simply "doing the right thing." Making the happiness of the spouse a priority. Taking time to nurture intimacy (send kids off to bed at an early hour, and fanatically guard couple time from would-be efforts to "trespass" onto it).

[John O]

The secret to a long and happy marriage is for both partners to agree to make Christ the focus of it. With Christ in the marriage you can survive everything else. Without Christ everything else is a major struggle.

Secondly you have to agree on some basic ground rules:

• Marriage is forever. There is no such thing as divorce. You are stuck together until one of you dies. You had better make it work. (exception is for adultery, abuse or abandonment but we are assuming two people who want to make their marriage work)
• Modify your vocabulary accordingly. The words "divorce", "I hate You" etc should never be spoken in your house. Ever. Build each other up, don't tear each other down.
• The most heard phrase in the house should be "I Love You". Love that is constantly reinforced doesn't die.
• Be honest with each other but be gentle with each other. If she asks "does this make me look fat" and it does then tell her it does, but be gentle. Suggest another outfit that looks better, don't demand that she immediately diet. (If she really needs to diet then you need to diet also. Make it a joint effort)
• Make all major decisions together. You're a team. Act like it
• Recognize that your spouse is the single most important person or thing on the face of the earth (after your relationship with Jesus) and act like it.
• Have fun together.
• Have some time apart. A marriage should be like a good fire. You must be close enough to keep each other warm yet far enough apart to let each other breathe
• Treat her like a Queen and she'll treat you like a King

Of course the underlying assumption to all this is that you've found someone who wants to have a good marriage and is willing to work to keep it good. If you're not certain Don't Get Married.

[klossg]

This is fantastic. Your witness is fantastic. Keep my in your prayers and I will do the same. God bless you.

I recommend the Theology of the Body by Christopher West. It explains the goodness of married love based on Christ, the bible and normal heterosexual experience of the body. Thanks for blessing this thread!

[John O]

I recommend the Theology of the Body by Christopher West

I will add that to my list. I've got to read "Every man's battle" first. I lost my wife last September and a very good friend of hers is riding herd over me to keep me on the straight and narrow until I remarry. So I promised I'd read that one next.

I've added you to my freeper prayer list here on the monitor.

[klossg]

Thanks for adding me to the prayer list. God bless you.

Theology of the Body takes the battle and lifts it up on Christ's shoulders because he is the one who made the body and died for all of us. The Theology of the Body turns the "Battle" into a "desire for goodness." Through scripture and phenomenological analysis and a true look at the graces of the redemption, The Theology of the Body helps us realize that false sexual temptation is a twist on our ultimate goal of realizing the True, Good and Beautiful (God himself). It is a twist of what God created originally as a way of offering oneself completely for another. Rightly directed and alive marital sexuality points to Christ's love, his offering on the cross for us. It allows a husband to say, this is my body, given up for you. It allows a wife to say, do unto me according to your word. But, if not for this purpose in a marriage, it uses the body to lie and offer the anti-word.

Regardless, Godspeed with your journey and you are in my prayers.