Brothers of the unpopped question

St. Petersburg Times ^ | April 25, 2006 | LEONORA LAPETER with Matthew Waite and researcher Angie Drobnic Holan

[Cincinatus' Wife]

Twenty-five years ago, most men in the Tampa Bay area married by age 35. But since 1980, the number of never-married men 35 to 55 has jumped sevenfold.

ST. PETERSBURG - On the eve of his 50th birthday, Robert Mendenhall was trying to decide whether to spend the big day with someone new or with his ex-girlfriend. She had held his interest the longest: eight months.

Mendenhall, who works in regional sales for a roofing and window company, hangs out with half a dozen never-married men in their late 40s and early 50s. They are successful at their jobs, keep themselves in good shape and spend a lot of time traversing Tampa's social network. Mendenhall said he surmises they gravitate toward each other because none of them have kids and they like to go out on the town.

Most of them would like to find someone.

"I wanted to get married but the right one never came along," said Mendenhall, who decided to go out with his ex-girlfriend for his birthday. "It could be me, I guess if I analyzed it hard enough. But I think I've left the door open every night."

Twenty-five years ago in Tampa Bay, there were 8,500 never-married men age 35 to 54; now there are more than 57,000. There are 33 percent fewer never-married women in this age range.

"A large number of older people who have never been married are starting to appear on the scene," said Jodi DeLuca, a psychologist and relationship expert from Tampa. "It's not as much as the divorced, but they're in their late 30s and 40s and they've never been married. And if you question them why they think they never married, their answer almost clear across the board is, "I never met the right person."'

The numbers of women waiting to marry until they are older also has increased since 1980, but their numbers are not nearly as high as the bottleneck of men moving into their late 40s and early 50s, never having said their "I dos.' ' While the population of men has not even doubled here, this group has increased sevenfold.

Among 35- to 39-year-olds in Hillsborough, Pinellas, Pasco and Hernando counties, there are about 22,000 never-married men and 17,500 never-married women.

The difference between the sexes continues in 40- to 44-year-old never-marrieds: 17,500 men and 14,300 women. Twenty-five years ago the numbers were 1,900 men and 1,500 women.

"I think there's generally more acceptance for being a bachelor but I think it's harder for men to live single because they've not developed some of the same social skills to lead a good single life," said E. Kay Trimberger, author of The New Single Woman.

Karl Balducci, one of more than 10,000 never-married men ages 45 to 49 in Tampa Bay, says he's become good at living alone. He builds a life around the beach, triathlons and fixer-upper apartments. Though he'd like to marry, he said he's very selective, and he's not going to force it.

"I'm hoping I can see someone from across the room wherever I happen to be, and I have the nerve to walk up to her and we see each other and we click," he said. "I would never do computer ads. It seems forced and unnatural."

Balducci, 46, said he's noticed a number of men in their 40s who have never married. Many are struggling with modern American women, so much so that one moved to the Ukraine to date women and another brought a woman back from the Philippines.

Balducci has a theory about it. Women, he says, are more independent - yet more confused.

"They don't know what they want and it makes it tougher on guys," he said. "Women used to be dependent on men and it's not like that anymore. And it creates power struggles when they do get together."

One of the reasons he thinks he's still single is that his income from fixing up homes, selling art and occasionally driving a moving van isn't enough for women.

"I think if I was in a higher tax bracket, I'd be more likely to be married because of that," he said. "It seems to me if women are in the work force, they should be more willing to settle for a guy who doesn't make a million dollars a year."

Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist from the University of Washington and a relationship expert on PerfectMatch.com, says men who have never married in these older age ranges fall into two opposite groups.

"One group is the men nobody wants, the ones where two seconds later you know why they are not married," Schwartz said. "They don't earn money or they are obese. They are not good in the market. They are losers in the truest sense of the word.

"The other group is guys with a huge amount of possibilities. They are handsome, charming, successful. They have a series of girlfriends, a series of romantic liaisons and they ... have too many choices to settle on one person. And they get to a point where suddenly they are 45 and it's not looking so good anymore and then they start to look around for someone to have a quick family."

Devin Ridley-Marks puffed on a cigar at the back of Central Cigars in St. Petersburg, his quest to find 20 years of lost papers of the Tampa Daily Times foremost on his mind.

He produced a tiny digital clock that counted down the time until a festival he was organizing to commemorate the newspaper his great-great-grandfather founded in 1893: 70 days, 10 hours, 24 minutes, 10 seconds.

But another clock ticks in his head. The 36-year-old wants to get married and have kids in the next five years.

Herein lies Ridley-Marks' challenge. Not only must he find someone who shares his passion for finding old newspapers, he's also struggling with the Tampa Bay area's demographics: There are 43,101 more never-married men than women.

That's 100 never-married men for every 84 never-married women.

Ridley-Marks said he's looking for someone who shares his passion for history and a southern sense of family and heritage. Like many people, he wanted to wait until he had his career going before he married.

On average, men now marry at age 27, compared with 25 in 1980; for women, the average age to marry is 26 now, compared with 22 in 1980.

Men have always tended to wait longer because they don't have ticking biological clocks to worry about . Some, like Ridley-Marks, have waited until they got careers off the ground. Now other factors are coming into play.

With fewer never-married women to go around, many younger men are dating women 10 or 15 years older.

"You're seeing a lot of younger men with older women and it's because there are no defined rules of engagement," said DeLuca, the psychologist. "Anything goes socially ... women in their 30s and 40s are open to dating men in their 20s."

Ridley-Marks says he won't settle for anything but someone who makes his heart pound. When she comes along is anyone's guess.

"It's hard to find the right woman," he said. "I think what you have now is a population of Generation X-ers and Generation Y-ers who are not pressed by expectations to settle down at a traditional age - in your 20s. And so you have 30-somethings behaving like 20-somethings."

[Hatteras]

"...but I think it's harder for men to live single because they've not developed some of the same social skills to lead a good single life,"

But, I'm sure it's a whole lot cheaper!

[HamiltonJay]

I find that most the folks, both men and women, who lament their inability to find someone worth dating generally fall into 2 camps.

1) They are people who DO NOTHING... literally.. they go to work, and they go home, and if they do anything its with their family... This is not conducive to meeting new people, which is what is neccessary to find folks worth dating.

or

2) They have unrealistic expectations.. If you are 100lbs overweight, the likehood of you being able to get a date with the gal with the perfect figure, or the guy with the 6 pack abs is greatly reduced. A 8 has a chance with a 10... a 7 with a great personality might be able to get there... but a 5 is not going to bag a 10... most of the time. If you have absolutely ZERO personality, even if you are good looking you are going to have a hard time having any kind of long term relationship...

Basically it boils down the old axiom... Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

[HamiltonJay]

Well, that turtleneck isn't doing her any favors... From a looks perspective she's not going go have problems finding someone to date.. not georgeous, but not hideous... personality though.. that's another story.

[HitmanLV]

You're basically right, though I think you overstate the second point. Average (and below average) looking men often have attractive female companions (for a variety of reasons).

To be fair, I have to point out that most people are fairly average looking, and that average looking is pleasant looking.

I think negative people - and duds - (who often are in the camp you raise in point 1) are just not appealing mates. There is a good reason they have a hard time finding quality mates - they tend to just go unnoticed and rejected.

[HamiltonJay]

. Average (and below average) looking men often have attractive female companions (for a variety of reasons).

Well yes, they do... Wallet Size trumps looks for a guy often enough. It is truly amazing to see how a woman looks differently at you after she finds out your net worth.

As to what you refer to as "duds".... I don't classify them all as duds... I know several very attractive women, who fall into that category... they just don't go out.... and when they do its with their family or friends they have known since they were children.. they never ever go someplace where they are likely to actually meet someone new.....

In fact the one girl would up dating her sisters husbands cousin, because honestly, he was probably the first single guy that she had talked to outside of work in years.... A little too incestuous for me... but whatever works.

I think its a shyness/self esteem thing for some folks who are more than pleasant... they just don't get out. Now the real duds are a whole other story... don't even want to go there.

[freedumb2003]

I got into a cab the other day and asked him to take me where I could score. He took me to my house.

*badabing*

[HitmanLV]

It's not just about money, though that's one factor people often cite. It's a lot more complicated than that - I know a lot of average looking men with above-average looking romantic companions, and many of them aren't wealthy. That's a factor, but that's not it, in itself.

As for duds, I think a person who puts little effort into cultivating an interesting personality and lifestyle is a dud. Men and women. A dud is a dud. They get rejected. That's a good thing.

I see what you're saying, but a person who makes no sincere attempt at finding quality members of the opposite sex for courtship, and then laments that there are no good people out there for them, are just not doing their part. I feel sorry for them only in the respect that they can change easily, but for whatever reason just don't do it.

[Quilla]

Far easier to find in more rural areas in my experience.

That may explain this:

I'm Jerry Miller, founder of FarmersOnly.com. There are basically two groups in America. Group one: their lives revolve around four dollar cups of coffee, taxi cabs, blue suits, high heels, conference rooms and getting ahead at all costs in the corporate world. If you fall into this group you're probably in the wrong place. Group two: they enjoy blue skies, wide open spaces, raising animals, appreciating nature and truly understand the meaning of Southern hospitality, even if they don't live in the South. This group makes up America's Heartland. This is not a geographic area, this is a slice of America with good old fashioned traditional values, values that were never lost by the farmer.

[HamiltonJay]

No money isn't the only factor... but its a big one. Like I said.. I'm not a bad looking guy and pretty outgoing guy, never had a problem meeting women... but even I have seen the difference in women around me when they found out my net worth/income.. a fact that I go out of my way to generally keep discreet.. its not Donald Trumpish huge, but its well above the median.

I will agree with the fact an attractive woman will date a man of a lesser attractive level than attractive man to date a lesser attractive women in the general case. And yes there are more complex issues that come to play for it, but there is absolutely no doubt that money is the biggest of them... Others might be, he was there for her when she needed him.. he was just truly a nice guy after her dating many self absorbed jerks.... etc etc.. but the most consistent when you see a guy thats with a woman WAY above his scale is the greenback.

Another old axiom... Women love you for one reason and one reason only, its in your pants and size matters... its called your wallet.

[HitmanLV]

Having a lot of money helps a lot, but not having a lot of money doesn't hurt a lot, either. Most men aren't wealthy, and most men have no problem finding a romamtic companion.

[HamiltonJay]

I didn't say they didn't find a romantic companion... I said a lesser looking guy with a georgeous woman tends to be $$$ behind it.

You don't need money to find a date, obviously... but when you see a guy with a woman vastly above his looks... more often than not greenback has something to do with it.

I have said from the beginning that most folks who gripe about not being able to find someone, aren't looking or are unrealistic in their expectations. Most people can find nice enough people to date if they just put out the effort... and yes that might mean you gotta deal with some jerks in the search for it.

[Little Ray]

I didn't get married until I was in my forties - I thought women just didn't like me - wasn't "bad" or "naughty" enough.
My wife says that my problem was that I didn't have a clue.
But now I'm happily married!

[HamiltonJay]

My wife says that my problem was that I didn't have a clue.

And as any married many knows... the wife is always right.

[HitmanLV]

Nah, there are many average (and below average) looking men with very goodlooking women well above their pay grade. These types of couples are not uncommon at all, and the men in most cases aren't very wealthy. I just don't see it as related to money as closely as you do.

You are 100% right when you say 'most folks who gripe about not being able to find someone, aren't looking or are unrealistic in their expectations.' That is exactly it.

Some people even find a strange satisfaction in consistently being unable to find someone good enough for them. It's strange out there.

[Serb5150]

You don't say?

Jorge enjoys some of the local cuisine with his girlfriend Malia.

[Semper Paratus]

These men looking for the 'right' woman are running into women looking for the 'right' man.

[HamiltonJay]

All I know is, in my experience, when the looks are grossly divergent, pay grade is involved a lot in what I have seen.

Every woman I have ever met, always says "money isn't important"... but every single one of them was told by their mother, and their mother before them, and has told their daughters if they have them....

"Its just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one."

I'm not suggesting all women are superficial, but in my personal experience, when you see a couple where looks are grossly mismatched and the wife is georgeous and the guy is much lower on the scale... $$$ is the most consistent reason... The #2 on the list behind money is women who for various reasons have lower self esteem... Now I am sure there are hundreds of other reasons, as human relationships are always complex, but in terms of the top 2 in my personal exposure and experience.. that's them.

[HamiltonJay]

hahah

[Riverman94610]

Go to San Francisco to find women?
Sheeeet!Half of the WOMEN there are muff divers!
Really,though,marriage in this day and age is a joke.Women looking for ATM machines to satisfy their shopping addictions.The Sex and the City girls who don't believe that you"can't turn a ho into a housewife".
Marriage was destroyed long ago by the feminists and do your own thing liberals.The Fifties will never return and Ward and June are forever gone from the scene.