Skip to comments.It's about time...
Posted on 05/20/2006 8:18:43 AM PDT by pickrell
Much has been made of the crucial problem of global warming, recently. But many scientists are now worried that the publicity may be obscuring a much more chronic problem, that of planetary rotational irregularities. A recent study, sponsored by the noted scientific group Moveon.org, began in July of 2005, and was concluded in December of that same year. Careful measurements of the length of the day, measured from the instant of dawn to the onset of dusk, have definitively proven that the period of daylight is shortening. "This is not the first evidence of this sort," scientists have pointed out. "In a similar study beginning in July of 2004 and ending in December of that year, virtually identical results were obtained."
Extrapolating from the data obtained, scientists are warning that within 30 years, the supply of sunlight may fall below the levels of domestic production. Senate Minority leader Harry Reid acknowledged, "While the Republicans are continuing with this senseless war that is draining our economy- they have done vitrually nothing about the gravest crisis of our time... that of diminishing time".
Several theories have been advanced to explain the problem to the American people. A noted Ohio State Professor of Revolutionary Studies, Irving Tenure, who submitted his doctoral thesis on revolving phenomenon, recently finished gathering measurements which prove conclusively that some regions of the earth's surface near the poles are actually moving slower than regions near the equator.
Tenure spent the first day of the study near the Arctic Circle, then jetted to Cancun for the remainder of the four month, $ 600,00.00 study, (not counting tips), in Aruba. "It was a nocturnal study, which, in the peculiar Mexican tradition we decided to do at night. And there was strong evidence, not only that we got stuck buying more rounds than the less-well-funded researchers, but also that the nights seemed to get longer as the days passed. We used the daytime hours hiking up to the Tibesti Mountains, looking high in the trees for the nesting sites of the endangered Red-Billed Egress. Though we never saw anything coming, we watched plenty of them leaving..."
Tenure concluded, "It is apparent that the heart of the problem is that certain areas of the Earth's surface have become overdeveloped. When we examine the effects of the NAFTA treaty, which has produced so much industrial overdevelopment in economic powerhouses like Mexico- concentrating industrial output, sending so many jobs south of the border, and producing such vast purchasing power among the Mexican people, it is no surprise that the population there have bought up such huge amounts of consumer goods. This concentration of mass has affected the center of gravity of the planet and has caused the vibrant industrial belt of Mexico to rotate faster than other parts of the earth's surface, such as Hoboken. It is no wonder, therefore, that many of the population have recently elected to vacation in more northerly climates, simply to escape the furious pace of business. "
When pressed on the issue, a startled House Vice-Speaker Nancy Pelosi noted, "What? Oh...well, it's all another example of the Republican 'culture of mens sana', leaving women completely out of the...uh...sauna, don'tchyaknow."
Shaking her head, she continued,"It's all of these pockets of time vortices, sort of spinning around like, you know, spiral thingys... and causing confusion and...dazed uncertaint-" Also in the lobby, we confronted- "Uhhh....what was I saying?" Yes, we got the point, Ms. Pelosi.
Also in the lobby, we confronted John Murtha about the time vortices. "It's way past time to pull our troops out of this- what did you call it?- vortices-infested land. The troops are under terrible pressure as pockets of deja-vue cause them to burn villages, rape women and children, and slander the reputations of fellow Marines in a manner reminiscent of Ghenghis Kerry. Er, uh, Khan, I mean, that is."
We heard stories that a certain Representative from the New England States was caught in just such a time paradox. While researching the liquor-licensing laws over several happy-hours, he suddenly found, a few minutes later, that he was nearly too late to vote on the 2 billion dollar Total Medicare Funding Act of 1965, and was swept up by nearby inconsiderate vortices. Capitol police political supervisors explained, after his crash into the security barrier, that symptoms of exposure to the vortices are, "...red eyes, slurred speech, and a tendency to vote against border-control legislation at 3 A.M." The unnamed congressman immediately decided to seek a prescription for pain medication that he, uh, already had been on for weeks, while "never having touched a drop."
And yet the problem may have origins much further in the past.
The Knights Temporal were a secretive organization which originated in the cuckoo-clock district of Switzerland. The order was nearly wiped out in the late 15th century. Historians generally agree that the reason that the 15th century was so late was that the Knights Temporal were eventually discovered to have been repeatedly adulterating women's cosmetics with secretly developed time-dilating substances, causing men of the era to be increasingly late for appointments... waiting interminably for, "...relax- just five more minutes, now, dear- I'm putting on my makeup right now."
In response, the male population of Europe hunted the Temporals relentlessly, giving rise to the then-popular mob curse, "Yeah? Well wait for THIS, buddy..!"
Unnamed sources in the Reno Justice Department hinted a decade ago that the Vince Foster suicide may have been caused by this same mental anguish over an unspecified woman's last-minute facial adjustments.
Though the Temporal order was famed for it's immense wealth, the treasure was never discovered after the slaughter of their members.Rumors persist that the Halliburton Corporation, while dredging harbors in Tibet, discovered the repository of the wealth in an old bratislavia mine, abandoned after the collapse of the popularity of bratislavia as a breakfast condiment. Guided by clues recently decoded from the Gettysburg address, Halliburton has turned to a secret group of assassins to prevent the Tibetans from learning that Buddha was never actually killed, but instead married and later had several daughters, who guarded the secret of the Temporals' wealth, er,...religiously.
Though the risks of some portions of the globe rotating faster than others is manifest, and though the complications of the ongoing disappearance of daytime is well documented, little progress has been made while the GOP has controlled both houses of Congress.
"If we don't change direction soon- we'll end up where we're going," the noted angular momentum expert Professor Irwin Corey explained. "Irrefutable evidence abounds that the earth's surface, in the polar region, is continuing to move at a slower pace that at the earth's equator. If this continues, it will soon be last week in Iceland when it's Easter in Biloxi. Putting our heads in the sand will not solve this problem, and will get all this gunky stuff in our ears."
Recommendations from the European Commission Superfund Taskforce for the Adjustment of Chronological Years vary all the way from simply collecting more contributions from wealthier nations to affirmatively accessing the most capital intensive regions of the globe for their fair share. "We will spend whatever it takes to insure the survival of rotational stability on this planet," UN Secretary Kofi Annan announced. "My son, (fortunately for all of us), happens to manage a momentum factory in the Ivory Coast. They are already preparing quotations for the G-1 summit."
The CNN management team concluded by saying that carefully crafted scientific research like this will dispel our "drive-by" reputation, and contrast us to that "Drudge character".
For articles like this, the author agrees, "... it's about time."
Nice satire. The solution is obvious-- slow all clocks down 10%, add an extra day to each weekend, and an extra three hours of daylight savings time.
man those scientists at moveon.org are something else. first they manipulate global climate data to the left, then up, and down, but never to the right. lmao
You just leave the War to the Republicans Harry. You and Murtha should spend your free time addressing the crisis of this pig's expanding waistline. Do it for the starving children Harry. Before he eats everything. (:^*)
This kind of thing makes me so mad! Why doesn't the government DO SOMETHING? They ought to pass laws mandating that there be more daylight, all year long! This is clearly the kind of problem that will yield to enough government spending. I say if we have a problem like this, let's raise taxes and get it under control before the women, children, and minorities (who are always the first to be affected) are even more traumatized by this than they are now! Let's fund more studies, ASAP!
On a serious note, David Asman is hosting a FNC Global Warming special 10 p.m. eastern Sunday night - if the world doesn't end on Saturday, that is.
Bush has been ignoring this problem for six years! He's done NOTHING, let alone gone wobbly in it. If I knew he actually meant it when he announced his stand on this issue back then, well, I did...but I wish I REALLY believed him back then when he told us about how he felt about this issue! Michael Savage is right about Bush, he's all talk. "Timex" Bush is only in it for Big Clock, and we don't have TIME (ha ha ha) to wait anymore. Sure, this problem has been growing since the beginning of time --literally!-- and this is only the first time I've mentioned it, but I've been concerned with this issue ALL ALONG! Really! Stop giggling back there! If it wasn't for Bush's suicidal time politices we'd be in perfect shape, but he just doesn't care. What's that, he's just announced he is assigning the Coast Guard to guard the leakage of time? Too late! I'm certainly voting for the Libertarians in November, they're going to hand out watches to all the homeless people and make crack legal! Where am I and who are you people, and damnit what time is it? Time is running out, that's what time it is!
Nancy Pelosi is just short of the brains required to live at 36 N Lattitude. If she had to live the longer days at the equator she would die of exhaustion. She just wouldn't be able to keep up.
I was drinking a Diet Pepsi when I read this. Now I'll have to clean off the keyboard and monitor again!
See, he's got his own field of gravity that is disturbing the rotation of the Earth.