The Beginning: A Seed is PlantedWhile driving through a neighborhood in Atlanta recently, I noticed that the homes of poor people often had small, weedy, unattractive lawns. The people on those lawns seemed tired and depressed. The only decorations were a few old vehicles on cinder blocks, void of hope and engines. Just one mile away in a wealthy area, I saw big, green, plush lawns, lawns that were being used for parties full of happy, carefree people with nice, functional cars. That's when it hit me: lawns are an extension of the home, an external projection of the quality of our inner life. The impact a lawn has on one's self-esteem can be enormous. People driving by your home won't notice and won't care about the stains on your carpet, the toys scattered across the hallway, or the dent in the wall where Uncle Henry threw the goldfish bowl. But they will see your lawn. They notice - and they judge. Boy, do they judge!
Imaginings: The Seed is Watered
Picture a home surrounded by dry, yellow weeds that haven't been mowed or watered ever since the era of hate and greed began under Reagan/Bush: such a lawn can only instill ill will, shrill on the nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard. Now imagine that same home surrounded by a lush carpet of bluegrass, trimmed to perfection, sparkling with fine drops of morning dew glistening in golden sunlight like a field of diamonds, calling you softly with cosmic harmonies, soft, reassuring, beckoning you to lay your tired body onto its countless tiny cushions of life, where you will be renewed, invigorated, and fulfilled (warning: do check for fire ants first).
There is a world of difference in our perceptions of the two homes because of the lawns around them. The inhabitants with the poor lawn are likely to shunned socially, or to be the victims of persecution by neighbors who allege that poor lawns lower property values of the neighborhood. Ultimately, they will be denied access to jobs, education, and even health care. And meanwhile, their ever-lowering self-esteem will negate all hope and possibly leave them with no choice but to turn to a life of crime or politics.
Awakening: The Seed Sprouts
As the significance of lawns sank into my thirsty soul like a Grand Epiphany, the stark truth almost mowed me over: rich people have better lawns because they can afford them, while poor people can't. In fact, not only do the poor have inadequate access to lawn care, but many don't even have lawns at all. The free market system has failed to provide a just and equitable distribution of lawns and lawn care, and with it we find an unjust, inequitable distribution of self-esteem, perhaps the most vital resource of all. And what was the cause of this problem? Greed! Especially the greed of the money-hungry Big Lawn Care Companies (BiLCC), which act like vacuums sucking up money like loose grass clippings on the lawns they pretend to care for.
Acting: The Seedling Grows!
I realized that only a grassroots campaign could resist the power of the Big Lawn Care Companies - one of the most effectively organized special interest groups ever, with representatives having infiltrated all levels of our government, all the way up to the White House Lawn itself (due, of course, to the moral laxness of the corrupt Reagan/Bush administration during the 12 Years of Hate and Greed). The Big Lawn Care Companies, which operate solely for profit, don't care about who has nice lawns as long as they get paid top dollar. The Big Lawn Care Companies will resist reform - unless our campaign is effective. So, on April 1, 1995, I and several other sincere citizens launched Nationalize Lawn Care Now!, with myself as Chairman and Treasurer.
Our agenda and our charter were carefully crafted by a nonpartisan committee representing a broad spectrum of American society and representing the nation's leading experts in lawn care policy. It was a truly diverse coalition - one that looked like America - consisting of lawyers, politicians, and agrarian reformers from nearly every state of the union. Multiple races (5), languages (7), and sexual orientations (at least 5 different kinds) were all represented. Some on the committee had lawns, some did not; some preferred fescue; others Bermuda grass; some mowed themselves, others used Congressional staffers. But in spite of all this diversity, our committee rapidly reached a unanimous conclusion: comprehensive national lawn care was needed, and needed now!
Naturally, this was not going to be your ordinary garden-variety revolution!
Our charter calls for nationalization of all lawn care industries into a single provider run by the US Dept. of Agriculture and funded through a revitalized House Bank, with generous donations from the pro-lawn Chinese Government to be warmly received as necessary. The savings in forms, advertising, and duplicate staff alone would more than fund a complete and equitable redistribution of lawns and would provide funds to guarantee that every American has access to adequate lawn care. This program may seem too utopian and visionary to have any hope, but it already has the backing of many of the most respected names in America, including Mikhail Gorbachev, three supermodels, several Hollywood celebrities, and even the performer formerly known as The King. Further, we have a list of over 100 economists and 36 TV weathermen who predict success for our efforts - if only we can get enough financial support from people like you.(And we expect Molly Yard to be joining our forces shortly.)
Inspiring: The Seedling Blossoms!
Though we have been ignored by the controlled national media (influenced heavily by the power of the Big Lawn Care Companies), our campaign has been effective. So far we have had 18 successful fund raisers to call attention to the problem. As we have grown, we have been able to stage important public awareness events in several cities around the country. Examples include:
- Constructing shanty towns of simulated sheds for lawn equipment on the campuses of several universities. The program was so successful - i.e., so threatening to the Big Lawn Care Companies - that university officials (with obvious connections to BiLCC) had the shanty towns torn down within hours of construction. It was gratifying to see the enemy so concerned about our efforts! The smell of victory was in the air, like the smell of fresh clippings after mowing a moist fescue lawn.
- Launching Operation Fescue where we gathered several pro-green protesters outside the gates of a herbicide outlet (a so-called "Lawn and Garden" department, part of the BiLCC network). Our pro-green forces did sidewalk counseling of potential customers and passed out NLCN! literature. We remained peaceful and respectful while successfully discouraging people from using herbicide and from supporting the BiLCC gang. I personally chained myself to a lawn mower tractor. Unfortunately, BiLCC forces had already bribed local police and media, none of whom showed up to pay us any attention. After eight hours of a hunger strike that received no attention, I had to unchain myself from the mower and go out for Thai food. But it was another moral victory for NLCN!
- Sprinkling grass clippings over the crowd during a nationally televised Green Bay Packers football game as Reb Xanadu, one of our activists, flew the NLCN! Cessna over the Green Bay stadium. My wife and I threw out over 40 bushels of clippings, having a dramatic pro-NLCN! impact on the crowd. Incredibly, right as the TV cameras picked us up, the network directors cut to a ChemLawn commercial.
- Pouring green paint on several city sidewalks in front of low income apartments to call attention to the lack of lawns that the poor have. This action was so effective that several of the residents - obviously gullible employees of Big Lawn Care Companies - physically threatened us and forced us to flee the site before the press showed up.
- Redistributing over 15 acres of lawn during several Midnight Justice Vigils in which we dug up sections of plush lawn from the lawn-rich and deposited them on the poor lawns of the lawn-poor. Unfortunately, the lawn-rich are using the legal system to harass us for these good-Samaritan activities. We need your donations to sustain our legal defense fund. Please help!
- Receiving an international show of support during the 1996 Olympics from over 100 track and field athletes representing 32 countries. These courageous athletes showed their support for NLCN! by each wearing a conspicuous green blade of grass on their sneakers as they participated in numerous events. Some even wore green clothes or waved flags containing green (special thanks to the Libyan delegation for adopting a flag of 100% pure green). In spite of such overt support for our cause, network commentators and most sports writers (all of whom benefit from BiLCC advertising dollars) REFUSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE the Olympic miracle that was taking place before their very eyes and cameras on the lawn at the Olympic Stadium. TV cameramen, we later learned, had been instructed before the Olympics even began to focus primarily on faces and to generally avoid close-up shots of shoes - a measure undoubtedly intended to thwart NLCN! But we won't be thwarted. With your financial support, we'll lawnch even bigger campaigns in the future.
;^D
kinda funny coming from a guy that doesn't have one...