You had a cardboard box! Damn cake eaters.
You had a hallway? You must have been part of the bourgeoisie that escaped these environs.
Posted on 12/27/2006 5:03:04 AM PST by rhema
There was one fellow in particular at the family Christmas gathering who appeared to be in a bit of distress as he continually gazed out a window. His jaw was tight, and he kept clenching and unclenching his hands. Then again, he is known to drink as many as two beers in an entire year, and this was not one of those occasions.
"You have the look of a fellow who could stand getting knocked loose,'' I said. "It's that sour lemon look you're featuring.''
Both of us stepped back to make room for somebody's kid who just came into the house wearing jeans and a T-shirt and soggy socks. His socks were soggy because he hadn't been wearing any shoes outside.
"Aren't you worried?'' the sourpuss asked me.
"About that kid? I think that kid is from Australia or something. He never wears shoes. Can't stand them.''
"No, the weather. Aren't you the least bit worried?''
He turned again to the window to watch a pack of kids sliding down a hill on the grass. They were screeching and exclaiming and rolling off their little plastic sleds at the bottom of the hill just as they might if they were actually sliding on snow.
"As long as you put it that way,'' I said, "I can emphatically say that I am not in the least bit worried.''
"This isn't right,'' he said, waving a hand at the people gathered on a deck outside and to the pack of apparently easily deceived children.
It looked all right to me. The sky was blue, the air was crisp and a beautiful crescent moon was just starting to compete with the sunset. It looked better than all right to me. It looked heavenly.
"But it's not supposed to be like this,'' fuddy-duddy said.
I love when they say that. They always do. The global-warming fruitcakes, I mean. At some point in their lament, they demonstrate an amazing scientific capability for knowing what a specific day is "supposed'' to be like. If it's too hot in the summer, they long for summer days they remember as having 12.2 fewer percentage points of humidity. If the leaves don't turn color and fall exactly when they want them to in the autumn, they begin to fret and punish themselves for not buying enough energy-saving light bulbs. During a spring ice storm, they blame global warming for the ice.
That's their trick, you know. No matter what the weather, they can blame global warming.
"It is a wholly manufactured concern,'' I said, patting the fellow on the back. "My advice would be to lay off CNN for a week or two and you will feel shipshape.''
"But I want it be cold on Christmas,'' he said. "I want to shovel snow and have slow-going on the roads.''
"You could have been in Denver all last week,'' I said, referring to the stranded airline passengers who were done in by 2 feet of snow.
"No! We deserve that 2 feet of snow.''
He spoke for himself. We had one of the most unbelievable stories of the year in my beloved Pioneer Press just a few days ago. Men older than 50 are not supposed to shovel snow unless they have the resting pulse rate of a marathon runner. No snow is fine with me, though that no-shoveling story certainly demonstrates our expanding inventiveness for scaring ourselves to death about everything.
Given the way we are so easily manipulated by the industrial forces of the media, the kids outside the window sledding on grass will say "it's not supposed to be like this'' when they are in their 50s and spend a Christmas indoors because of a big snowstorm.
I felt that I needed to give the sour fellow something, so I pointed to the moon.
"I will officially become worried,'' I said, "if the moon suddenly starts jumping around or if some night we look up there and see reruns of 'The Beverly Hillbillies.' ''
"What would you do then?''
"Start smoking again. I'd figure we don't have much time.''
Why in my day we 23 feet of snow, and that was in July!
"Why in my day we 23 feet of snow, and that was in July!"
And you lived in Florida!
For Christmas, I received a geology textbook that my great-grandmother used in high school. Even as a professional scientist, I found it was a mildly challenging read in places. I realized that not a single public school high school student I know (I substitute taught locally when they needed help) could understand that book. It's no wonder we have such ridiculous views on science these days.
Lemme see. That must have been about June 24, 1974, when you'd just finished reading this apocalyptic story in Time magazine.
My elder liberal sister was sitting at the Christmas Eve dinner table spouting off aboot the weather,and even admitted they saw the Al Gore infomercial....I was laffin at her....then came the punchline,the people on her block in Chanhassen decided that this coming summer they would have 1 'community' lawnmower between 6-7 houses,this was to do their part in lowering 'greenhouse gases'....when confronted by the question 'what is the difference if it is 1 lawnmower mowing 7 lawns or 7 mowing 7?' well,the answer was 'they won't be getting mowed all at the same time' ...at that point I had to open another bottle of wine.
We had to 43 miles one way in raaaaaging blizzards just to get to school. In fact the only time we had schools was during raaaaaging blizzards. And for Christmas all we'd get is a stick, and let me tell you we were darn glad to get even that!
the 12 of us lived in a small cardboard box in the hallway!
You had a cardboard box! Damn cake eaters.
Totally off topic I know. But it gave me the thought. I would pitch in with a few neighbors to get a really really excellent lawn mower, rather than four of us spending more money per person on crappier models.
yup,it sounds good on paper but then consider the logistics involved with scheduling lawn mowin and snow blowin and then maintenance on a high mileage peice of equipment...and don't forget to factor in that you might not like yer neighbor 'Bob' all that well after all....and why are just the wives cooking all the time? ;-)
If I remember the story, all the wives are housewives. Dinner is ready just after the husbands get home from work. It's just practicality more than anything. My wife is on bed rest now. I can tell you I am tired of cooking. If I could take turns with the neighbors I would jump at the chance to only produce 1 dinner a week.
That is hilarious-
I asked my liberal inlaws why I should believe Al gore-
I said I would listen to their tripe if they could tell
me what post secondary schools Al went to, and what the
outcome was...- for good measure I wanted them to find
what Tommy Lee Jones (Gore's roomate at Harvard )had to
say about Al.
p.s. - Al went to 2 other post secondary scools-
Vanderbilt Divinity- and then Law school-
he flunked out of divinity- and supposedly
left law school ( his records are sealed )
Great story; you may want to send it to the Mayor himself.
You had a cardboard box! Damn cake eaters.
You had a hallway? You must have been part of the bourgeoisie that escaped these environs.
The problem with Socialism/Communism is that the right people haven't done it yet. < /sarcasm >
You should start a pool on when this little socialistic brainstorm will result in a resounding "Uff Da! Vhat vas we tinkin' Ole!?!"
I would have suggested a community goat.
I would have suggested a community goat.
:-)
Someone caught my hi-lited 'community' lawnmower! ;-)
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