Horror stories: Baby sitting and the opt-out revolution

Charlottesville Hook ^ | 1/4/07 | The Brazen Careerist

[qam1]

Here is my nightmare. I moved to Madison without knowing anyone here, so I found a babysitter through the University of Wisconsin graduate program in early education. The woman I found was great, but she said that she was really busy, and could her boyfriend babysit instead.

I squashed all my sexist stereotypes and asked for his qualifications. She said he has a law degree in Puerto Rico, where they are from, but he can't work here because he didn't pass the Wisconsin bar, and he doesn't want to study for it because they'll only be here two years. So he is looking for work. He has five younger siblings and he babysat them.

I said okay. I did the normal routine-- stayed with him and the baby one day. Went out for a little the next. The third day, I told him I'd be at the coffee shop. I told him if he wants to go there, go when the baby is asleep so the baby doesn't see me and start crying for me, so he shows up at the coffee shop at naptime.

I say, "Where's the baby?"

He says, "At home."

"AT HOME?!?!?"

So I sprint eight blocks home, imagining all the most terrible things a mom can imagine. I get home and the baby is asleep, on my bed, ten feet from an open stairway.

The guy says, "I'm sorry."

I say, "You can just go."

He says, "I think it was a language problem. I just misunderstood you. I thought you told me to go to the coffee shop and leave the baby at home."

This could happen to anyone, and it does. My friend paid a chic agency in the New York City area to find her a bonded, background-checked nanny. But she turned out to be anorexic and she fainted behind the wheel. My friend didn't know until the car was wrapped around a pole. (Everyone safe, thank goodness.)

The difficulty of leaving a baby to go to work cannot be understated. And babysitting situations like this make it even more difficult. So we've now gone months with no babysitter, and my husband is about to kill me because he's picking up a lot of the slack.

So here's where the advice comes in: how to find a perfect babysitter, right? Wrong. There are no perfect babysitter situations. It's the nature of motherhood to be unsure of leaving. One thing I can tell you, though, is that I am a part of the opt-out generation: I sprinted up corporate ladders and ran two startups of my own, and I don't want to do that now, when I have young kids.

A press release from Lifetime Television just announced, "Women in generation Y do not want to permanently drop out of the workforce." The assumption here, of course, is that the Generation X women-- me-- who are dropping out of corporate life today are going to abstain from all business for the next twenty years until all their kids are in college.

Newsflash: The current opt-out phenomenon is not permanent. Some moms can do it, some can't, most fall somewhere in between, like me. As the kids get older, the opt-out revolution is about opting out of the absurd and inflexible hours that corporate America is demanding right now. It is not opting out of all work that does not involve kids. In fact, the majority of small businesses are started by women for these very reasons.

So, finally, here's some advice. Babysitter problems are not unique to you. They are part of a massive trend, and one bad babysitter doesn't mean you should give up on corporate life, and the crazy demands of corporate life don't mean that you should give up on work outside the home. We are all trying to find a compromise, and some of us are trying to find a sitter.

[Popman]

Here is my nightmare

Let's take this from the babies perspective

Mommy cares more about her job than taking care of me

Flame suit on and sealed

[Popman]

Call me an ignorant, primitive caveman, but it's the MAN's job to see to it that the mother of his children be provided for during the children's formative years.

Oh' you are far worse than an "ignorant, primitive caveman" you are a male chauvinist pig, for keeping your wife down in a post paternatist's society where genetics are gender neutral and even woman can be speaker of the House.

[Mrs.Liberty]

I guess I am just a bad parent then! Though I will daresay that things were more affordable back in the days when your father was an E5.

My working has allowed our children (now in elementary and high school) to attend great private Christian schools (after the cat litter school!). I am in awe of those who have the patience and ability to homeschool.

As to your second post, re: Affirmative Action and promotions to E7-been there too!

[Jotmo]

We are long past the days of Ozzie and Harriet and Leave it to Beaver where Dad goes to work every day and Mom stays home and raises the kids.

I have to disagree with you on this.

If you look at the standard of living they had back then, it in no way equates to the expected standard of living today, and to equal that standard from days of yore, is considerably less expensive than what people expect as normal today.

An example. Your average car today bears little resemblance to the car of the 50's or 60's in way of luxuries. Power windows, AC, power steering, CD/Tape, etc.

Multiply that x1000 for your household items.

If one were to live with only the amenities that those "Ozzie and Harriet" families had then, in all aspects of your life, and eliminate all debt but for house and MAYBE car, you find the costs to be very reasonable and well within range an average single income earner.

For this reason, I've never felt comparisons to family incomes from that time period to be valid.

Our standard of living today is simple SO much higher than it was then, that they cannot be reasonably equated with regard to income.

Extremely expensive housing areas not withstanding, live like they did then, and nearly ANYONE can do it on one income.

[Joan Kerrey]

We are all trying to find a compromise, and some of us are trying to find a sitter.
-----
Compromise? Choices? They chose to have a child and then compromise the welfare of that child. To me it all seems pretty simple. They want it all.

[Joan Kerrey]

My kids are grown and out of the house, but there was a lot of sacrifice when they were growing up.
----
Right on the mark. The key word in your sentence is "sacrifice", the key word in her sentence was "compromise".
Two completely different words and two completely different mindsets. That thing she calls "the baby" is really a drain. I suggest she trade "it" in and get a declawed, defanged cat that hates people and just lays on the window ledge all day.

[Joan Kerrey]

compromise and get an adult cat that needs no care or attention.

[blu]

I had to read this about 10 times

[Please pardon the upcoming sexism]

Dude! You're a guy....but you're able to read. So, we can assume you can reason. Now, if you had a kid, or were watching a kid, would you really walk 8 blocks to the local coffee-torium and LEAVE THE BABY AT HOME ALONE? (Probably better think about that answer, your current or future wife may be reading this).

I don't think there's such a huge cultural difference between the US and Puerto Rico. I'm pretty sure Puerto Ricans don't leave their babies home alone. The guy's actions may explain why he couldn't pass the Wisconsin bar.

Also, I think the author tried very hard *not* to say staying home is better or worse than going to work. Seems she was trying to tell other moms "Whatever works for you". (I know, she's from Madison, and is therefore highly suspect, but I believe in giving the benefit of the doubt...until it comes to childcare, of course!)

[blu]

I don't know why people want to have kids in todays world....it's just so expensive, lots of worry and work. Why do you have kids? Honestly.

Raising a kid....$100,000.00

Family Therapy...$50,000.00

Grandkids...PRICELESS!

[caver]

"I suggest she trade "it" in and get a declawed, defanged cat that hates people and just lays on the window ledge all day."

You are right! I had to chuckle on your response.

[HANG THE EXPENSE]

Well, I can guess why he didnt pass the bar.